Wife with Metastatic Breast Cancer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Assuming you are really a doctor, show me the evidence, what was the sample size, who did the survey, who was reporting the data?


The numbers are overall low, but 7x higher in women among those numbers. I do not have time to do your research for you, feel free to look it up.

Translation: I pulled up the 7x number out of my ear and cannot back it up.

OR you could just look for yourself and see that it is true.

[Anonymous]

OR you could just look for yourself and see that it is true.

When you state something as fact, you need to support it. The PP who asked you to back it up is correct.

Cite it or be quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OR you could just look for yourself and see that it is true.

When you state something as fact, you need to support it. The PP who asked you to back it up is correct.

Cite it or be quiet.

NP. Here's the first citation that came up. https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health/men-more-likely-than-women-to-leave-partner-with-cancer-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112.

Honestly, why are you dismissing this information? It's a significant difference regardless of the starting point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, but complaining your wife who has metastatic cancer won't have sex with you is not a legit complaint.

It would be one thing if OP has posted in the Health forum looking for advice on how he can improve his wife's health. But complaining that he's not getting laid and that she's not doing yoga and Pilates (because of course he knows better than he doctors!) when she's literally had to fight for her life is not legitimate, it's selfish and whiny.

You are horrible.

Who do you think is taking care of the kids and the house while helping her fight for her life? What you do not realize is that you are blinded by sexism.

NP. What sexism? This point would be valid even if a wife was on here asking a similar question and the husband had cancer.

[Anonymous]

NP here. there are a bunch of people who live on La-La land on this forum, and a few unnecessarily mean. the idea that a serious ilness does not have effect on marriages is a fairy tale. caring for a terminal patient is grusome, and when a diagnosis happens to a marriage that is already not going well, divorce is not uncommon. I had a family member with a terminal cancer who survived 7 years thanks to clinical trials instead of the 6 months she was given originally. she was not married or had a parner so no issue there but I got to know a little the community of people with the same ilness (they had an online support forum and met a medical congresses). being divorced was hardly uncommon unfortunatley for these patiences. I remember a young 28 woman who was about to get married and the fiance called off the wedding and left her after the woman's diagnosis.

for people who ask for proof,
https://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20010512/cancer-cause-divorce-women

https://medium.com/@CancerBTTB/50-percent-of-couples-break-up-during-a-cancer-diagnosis-29133893975f

and plenty of other sources.

OP, sorry for the situation, it is very hard to help a person in your wife's situation, just disregard the mean and clueless responses. in addition to her illness, the drugs she is taking, she is also having psychological problems. her therapy should be comprehensive and help her in that sense as well. I would start with talking to your doctor, and possibly her doctor if you are allowed, without her, to discuss how you can best support her. you also need support for yourself, you cannot help your wife if you are not in good mental and physical shape either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. there are a bunch of people who live on La-La land on this forum, and a few unnecessarily mean. the idea that a serious ilness does not have effect on marriages is a fairy tale. caring for a terminal patient is grusome, and when a diagnosis happens to a marriage that is already not going well, divorce is not uncommon. I had a family member with a terminal cancer who survived 7 years thanks to clinical trials instead of the 6 months she was given originally. she was not married or had a parner so no issue there but I got to know a little the community of people with the same ilness (they had an online support forum and met a medical congresses). being divorced was hardly uncommon unfortunatley for these patiences. I remember a young 28 woman who was about to get married and the fiance called off the wedding and left her after the woman's diagnosis.

for people who ask for proof,
https://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20010512/cancer-cause-divorce-women

https://medium.com/@CancerBTTB/50-percent-of-couples-break-up-during-a-cancer-diagnosis-29133893975f

and plenty of other sources.

OP, sorry for the situation, it is very hard to help a person in your wife's situation, just disregard the mean and clueless responses. in addition to her illness, the drugs she is taking, she is also having psychological problems. her therapy should be comprehensive and help her in that sense as well. I would start with talking to your doctor, and possibly her doctor if you are allowed, without her, to discuss how you can best support her. you also need support for yourself, you cannot help your wife if you are not in good mental and physical shape either.

I’m one of the PPs, I’m not in Lala land but simply looking to establish appropriate perspective. According to the first article you sent, “5 percent of women with breast cancer experienced severe marital disruption.” So, that’s the kind of perspective I’m talking about.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, quite a response. I get it that my post sounded really bad. I’m sorry. No one is talking about or even thinking about leaving the marriage. It is clear that even though my wife currently has no evidence of cancer the ongoing treatment continues to have a profound affect. I was simply asking if anyone has been through this, had similar treatments, and how can I do better. I admit I was frustrated last night about other issues and the way I described the situation really sounded like I was looking for a way out. I’m not. You are right, searching on line especially about medical issues can often lead to unreasonable expectations and trouble. Thanks for your responses, both those that point out my callousness and those that made suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. there are a bunch of people who live on La-La land on this forum, and a few unnecessarily mean. the idea that a serious ilness does not have effect on marriages is a fairy tale. caring for a terminal patient is grusome, and when a diagnosis happens to a marriage that is already not going well, divorce is not uncommon. I had a family member with a terminal cancer who survived 7 years thanks to clinical trials instead of the 6 months she was given originally. she was not married or had a parner so no issue there but I got to know a little the community of people with the same ilness (they had an online support forum and met a medical congresses). being divorced was hardly uncommon unfortunatley for these patiences. I remember a young 28 woman who was about to get married and the fiance called off the wedding and left her after the woman's diagnosis.

for people who ask for proof,
https://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20010512/cancer-cause-divorce-women

https://medium.com/@CancerBTTB/50-percent-of-couples-break-up-during-a-cancer-diagnosis-29133893975f

and plenty of other sources.

OP, sorry for the situation, it is very hard to help a person in your wife's situation, just disregard the mean and clueless responses. in addition to her illness, the drugs she is taking, she is also having psychological problems. her therapy should be comprehensive and help her in that sense as well. I would start with talking to your doctor, and possibly her doctor if you are allowed, without her, to discuss how you can best support her. you also need support for yourself, you cannot help your wife if you are not in good mental and physical shape either.

i would also add, based on my experience with my close relative and with friends who ended up in the same situation, that current progress in medicine have given people with a terminal diagnosis who years ago would have lived months or little more the possibity to live longer, often years. which is great obviously, but at the same time create other coallenges, especially mental challenges because these poeple are not cured, they are left for years with a terminal, hopeless diagnosist that is like a sword on their heads that can fall at any time. their lives still revolve around doctors and drugs and have constant physical problem. it is like living for years knowing that you are on the brink of death and physically unable to do back to the old life even if the cancer is termorarily in remission. this is why physicological support of these patients is so so important. the mind can face a crisis for a short time and then overcome it, but a crises that goes on for years and will end with certain death is hard to handle

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the PPs, I’m not in Lala land but simply looking to establish appropriate perspective. According to the first article you sent, “5 percent of women with breast cancer experienced severe marital disruption.” So, that’s the kind of perspective I’m talking about.

To everyone who cited an article, thank you. The information was interesting.

Based on my experience, I thought this percentage would be greater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, quite a response. I get it that my post sounded really bad. I’m sorry. No one is talking about or even thinking about leaving the marriage. It is clear that even though my wife currently has no evidence of cancer the ongoing treatment continues to have a profound affect. I was simply asking if anyone has been through this, had similar treatments, and how can I do better. I admit I was frustrated last night about other issues and the way I described the situation really sounded like I was looking for a way out. I’m not. You are right, searching on line especially about medical issues can often lead to unreasonable expectations and trouble. Thanks for your responses, both those that point out my callousness and those that made suggestions.

I didn't think your OP was bad at all but people on DCUM can be really nasty. Agree with the suggestion to go with her to her doctor and ask your questions, information online is often incorrect or does not contemplate the facts/circumstances of each individuals situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. there are a bunch of people who live on La-La land on this forum, and a few unnecessarily mean. the idea that a serious ilness does not have effect on marriages is a fairy tale. caring for a terminal patient is grusome, and when a diagnosis happens to a marriage that is already not going well, divorce is not uncommon. I had a family member with a terminal cancer who survived 7 years thanks to clinical trials instead of the 6 months she was given originally. she was not married or had a parner so no issue there but I got to know a little the community of people with the same ilness (they had an online support forum and met a medical congresses). being divorced was hardly uncommon unfortunatley for these patiences. I remember a young 28 woman who was about to get married and the fiance called off the wedding and left her after the woman's diagnosis.

for people who ask for proof,
https://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20010512/cancer-cause-divorce-women

https://medium.com/@CancerBTTB/50-percent-of-couples-break-up-during-a-cancer-diagnosis-29133893975f

and plenty of other sources.

OP, sorry for the situation, it is very hard to help a person in your wife's situation, just disregard the mean and clueless responses. in addition to her illness, the drugs she is taking, she is also having psychological problems. her therapy should be comprehensive and help her in that sense as well. I would start with talking to your doctor, and possibly her doctor if you are allowed, without her, to discuss how you can best support her. you also need support for yourself, you cannot help your wife if you are not in good mental and physical shape either.

i would also add, based on my experience with my close relative and with friends who ended up in the same situation, that current progress in medicine have given people with a terminal diagnosis who years ago would have lived months or little more the possibity to live longer, often years. which is great obviously, but at the same time create other coallenges, especially mental challenges because these poeple are not cured, they are left for years with a terminal, hopeless diagnosist that is like a sword on their heads that can fall at any time. their lives still revolve around doctors and drugs and have constant physical problem. it is like living for years knowing that you are on the brink of death and physically unable to do back to the old life even if the cancer is termorarily in remission. this is why physicological support of these patients is so so important. the mind can face a crisis for a short time and then overcome it, but a crises that goes on for years and will end with certain death is hard to handle

With respect the human condition itself isa a crisis the goes on for years and ends in certain death. A terminal diagnosis just makes that more top-of-mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. there are a bunch of people who live on La-La land on this forum, and a few unnecessarily mean. the idea that a serious ilness does not have effect on marriages is a fairy tale. caring for a terminal patient is grusome, and when a diagnosis happens to a marriage that is already not going well, divorce is not uncommon. I had a family member with a terminal cancer who survived 7 years thanks to clinical trials instead of the 6 months she was given originally. she was not married or had a parner so no issue there but I got to know a little the community of people with the same ilness (they had an online support forum and met a medical congresses). being divorced was hardly uncommon unfortunatley for these patiences. I remember a young 28 woman who was about to get married and the fiance called off the wedding and left her after the woman's diagnosis.

for people who ask for proof,
https://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20010512/cancer-cause-divorce-women

https://medium.com/@CancerBTTB/50-percent-of-couples-break-up-during-a-cancer-diagnosis-29133893975f

and plenty of other sources.

OP, sorry for the situation, it is very hard to help a person in your wife's situation, just disregard the mean and clueless responses. in addition to her illness, the drugs she is taking, she is also having psychological problems. her therapy should be comprehensive and help her in that sense as well. I would start with talking to your doctor, and possibly her doctor if you are allowed, without her, to discuss how you can best support her. you also need support for yourself, you cannot help your wife if you are not in good mental and physical shape either.

NP: this forum attacked the messenger (as they often do) but it looks to be true:

- the healthy spouse often divorces the cancer patient. This seems to happen more to women.

But it happens. A friend was diagnosed with metastatic testicular cancer; his fiancée dumped him within a few weeks of the diagnosis. She even moved out of their apartment while he was still in the hospital. They had been together for over 7 years.

My friend barely survived 2 year from diagnosis to his death. After the initial few weeks of hospitalization/ cancer surgery, he was released & back home; between chemo rounds, he even returned to his job for a while. But he was alone at the apartment; his fiancée wouldn’t even talk to him. I get that sex is important to the woman too but, come on!

His family had to step in a lot the last month or two when he was really sick. Even worse, the fiancée soon moved in with some guy and married him while my friend was still alive. She will always be a horrible person in my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No evidence of cancer after a metastatic breast cancer diagnosis is a freaking miracle.

I don’t believe this. Metastatic is death sentence.

The wine is the likely culprit btw.

Metastatic does not mean an immediately death sentence. Many Stage 4 BC patients survive for 10-20 years if they take care of their health, continue to have treatment, and let's be honest, don't have a super aggressive cancer.

I'm a cancer survivor, but I feel for OP. I don't understand the negative responses. Yes, she's terminal, but if she is currently NED, she has some life left in her and he wants her to share it with him and the kids, or at least make some effort to be a part of the living.

I 100% get her feelings and how hard this must be, but she's just giving up and she has family who love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wine literally causes cancer. It’s sugar and it feeds the cancer basically.

Funny...my oncologist told me that there's no actual proof that this is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, but complaining your wife who has metastatic cancer won't have sex with you is not a legit complaint.

It would be one thing if OP has posted in the Health forum looking for advice on how he can improve his wife's health. But complaining that he's not getting laid and that she's not doing yoga and Pilates (because of course he knows better than he doctors!) when she's literally had to fight for her life is not legitimate, it's selfish and whiny.

You are horrible.

Who do you think is taking care of the kids and the house while helping her fight for her life? What you do not realize is that you are blinded by sexism.

NP. What sexism? This point would be valid even if a wife was on here asking a similar question and the husband had cancer.

BS. The point is, she's in a position where if she's NED, she's probably not on active treatment and can at least engage with her husband and kids. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about some sort of engagement in life. I get "fighting for her life", I'm a recent BC cancer survivor. But she also has some responsibility to her family, including attempting to manage her health in some way.