Wife with Metastatic Breast Cancer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Assuming you are really a doctor, show me the evidence, what was the sample size, who did the survey, who was reporting the data?


The numbers are overall low, but 7x higher in women among those numbers. I do not have time to do your research for you, feel free to look it up.

Translation: I pulled up the 7x number out of my ear and cannot back it up.

Here you go:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient
A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact

Interesting. What they don’t say is who initiated the divorce. It’s possible that some significant portion of those divorces were initiated by the women, since women initiate the majority of divorces.

Furthermore, people shouldn’t put that much stock in one study. There is a lot of research that reveals plenty of errors when you do some digging. The results don’t surprise me, but I think they give a misleading impression. I personally know many couples in this situation and they remained together.

You are ridiculous. The study does not say anything about wives leaving husbands. It says a lot about husbands leaving wives, including that the left wives were more likely to have bad health outcomes, be more depressed, not complete their treatment, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a cancer he will live with for the rest of his life. He is immunocompromised and there are other side effects from

Oops.. side effects from the meds. It is not easy for us to have a romantic relationship (it is at times non-existent) but I stay because he is a good man and a good father. I love him, maybe differently than before, but this is what we sign up for when we get married.

A good example of how women react vs. men react. This DW isn't complaining and instead talking about how her DH is a good man/father vs. OP's original post (I know he recanted a bit in later post).

DP and not the PP to whom you are responding. Give the OP a break. He said he posted hastily and recognizes how it came across, and regrets that. Caregiving is phenomenally difficult. Caregivers sometimes have feelings that are not ideally kind and loving, even if they love their spouses deeply. The caregivers who reach out and ask for help, which OP is doing, and who admit to their own conflicted feelings and talk about them instead of letting feelings fester--those are the caregivers who will stay stronger, for longer.

Until you've been in the shoes of a caregiver for years, you have zero legitimacy to bash the OP.

It is also simply nonsense to lump entire genders together, as in "how women react vs. men react." Unless you have surveyed all women and all men on this exact topic, you're just blowing hot air, or projecting your own anger about something else onto this individual situation. Yes, I know a doctor upthread said women are 7x more likely to get left after a diagnosis, but that does not magically translate into "all women good and true, all men bad and disloyal." You have lost sight of individuals. And FYI, in case you decide to try to snark that I'm a DH defending the OP -- nope, I'm a DW.

Yes!!! 100% from a cancer survivor whose spouse was a rock but went through hell

[Anonymous]

Men leaving their wives when they get sick is well-documented. It's not sexist to point out that reality.

[Anonymous]

Why is she still on prednisone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a cancer he will live with for the rest of his life. He is immunocompromised and there are other side effects from

Oops.. side effects from the meds. It is not easy for us to have a romantic relationship (it is at times non-existent) but I stay because he is a good man and a good father. I love him, maybe differently than before, but this is what we sign up for when we get married.

A good example of how women react vs. men react. This DW isn't complaining and instead talking about how her DH is a good man/father vs. OP's original post (I know he recanted a bit in later post).

DP and not the PP to whom you are responding. Give the OP a break. He said he posted hastily and recognizes how it came across, and regrets that. Caregiving is phenomenally difficult. Caregivers sometimes have feelings that are not ideally kind and loving, even if they love their spouses deeply. The caregivers who reach out and ask for help, which OP is doing, and who admit to their own conflicted feelings and talk about them instead of letting feelings fester--those are the caregivers who will stay stronger, for longer.

Until you've been in the shoes of a caregiver for years, you have zero legitimacy to bash the OP.

It is also simply nonsense to lump entire genders together, as in "how women react vs. men react." Unless you have surveyed all women and all men on this exact topic, you're just blowing hot air, or projecting your own anger about something else onto this individual situation. Yes, I know a doctor upthread said women are 7x more likely to get left after a diagnosis, but that does not magically translate into "all women good and true, all men bad and disloyal." You have lost sight of individuals. And FYI, in case you decide to try to snark that I'm a DH defending the OP -- nope, I'm a DW.

So what I said is that is a good example of women's reaction vs. men's. I didn't say all men or all women react that way. Point is that 7X figure is significant and this is a good example of it. OP's initial post was very different from his revised one and his tone was very different as well. If you didn't see it that way, that's your opinion. You and I had a different reading of his first post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the things she is experiencing is very likely due to the prednisone. Echoing a previous PP, is it possible to urge her to find out if she still needs to be on it? Weaning off of that could cause some pretty dramatic changes in itself and your wife could start being the person you used to be married to, and this will resolve itself. My mother-in-law was on prednisone for awhile and it did awful things to her personality, similar to what your DW is experiencing. The weight/swelling went down, the short temper went away, etc when she stopped the prednisone.

Prednisone is by rx only. If her doctor, who she trusts and has been with through her treatment, is still prescribing it, then she still needs it.

[Anonymous]

Here you go:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient

It is now clear where you found the information you quoted. Thank you. It made for sobering reading.

Your posted link is not a link to the actual study. Instead, it links to a summary of the study. The study itself is here: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/.

The actual study addresses a total of 515 patients who were prospectively identified as having either a malignant primary brain tumor (N = 214), a solid tumor with no nervous system involvement (N = 193), or multiple sclerosis (N = 108) who were married at the time of diagnosis. It found that people in the study got divorced at a rate similar to that of the general population. However, among the members of the group that got a divorce, it was 6X more likely that the woman was the affected spouse.

The study did not address related health care issues such as which spouse was the primary household provider (i.e., how often did the couple divorce when the primary provider was affected spouse.) This difference would impact the study since a woman might not be able to divorce her husband in this situation when he is the primary provider (or vice versa.)

[Anonymous]

My mom was on long term prednisone and it gave her diabetes and led to a stroke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is she still on prednisone?

It’s an important anti inflammatory that helps other cancer treatments work better. Trust me that ai hate it, but it is buying me time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Assuming you are really a doctor, show me the evidence, what was the sample size, who did the survey, who was reporting the data?


The numbers are overall low, but 7x higher in women among those numbers. I do not have time to do your research for you, feel free to look it up.

Translation: I pulled up the 7x number out of my ear and cannot back it up.

Here you go:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

Men Leave: Separation And Divorce Far More Common When The Wife Is The Patient
A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact

Interesting. What they don’t say is who initiated the divorce. It’s possible that some significant portion of those divorces were initiated by the women, since women initiate the majority of divorces.

Furthermore, people shouldn’t put that much stock in one study. There is a lot of research that reveals plenty of errors when you do some digging. The results don’t surprise me, but I think they give a misleading impression. I personally know many couples in this situation and they remained together.

Oh, well, if you personally don’t know any couples who broke up, it’s settled. Totally not a thing. Cancel all the studies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was on long term prednisone and it gave her diabetes and led to a stroke.

Was she on it first cancer? Those of us with cancer are aware of the risks of prednisone.

[Anonymous]

So what I said is that is a good example of women's reaction vs. men's. I didn't say all men or all women react that way. Point is that 7X figure is significant and this is a good example of it.

What you are addressing is your interpretation of a (singular) woman's reaction vs. a man's reaction.

The study indicated that regardless of which spouse was affected, the couples did not divorce at a rate higher than normal. In other words, men in the study did not leave their wives (or vice versa) at a greater rate than in the general population. However, if they did divorce, it was more 6X more likely that the wife was the affected spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife of 19 years was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in 2017. Through a course of radiation and immunology treatment she now has no evidence of cancer. The problem is she continues to take prednisone and other hormone therapy. She has insomnia, has all the side effects of prednisone (weight gain, swelling), is very lethargic, is very short with me and the kids. She really stays up all night, sleeps until noon, then does her job from home. She is usually on the couch with wine by 7:00. Of course, sex and intimacy has been non-existent for the last two years, she generally falls asleep on the couch. I feel like she isn’t doing the types of things she needs to to actually go on living. If you research on line, she should be trying light exercise like yoga or Pilates, she should be going to a counselor, and I question whether someone can stay on prednisone for years. I don’t know why I am writing. It’s just hard. I’ve previously had doubts about our relationship, and this has really been a challenge for what seems like a long time. Is there hope? How do I suggest she talk more to the doctor about the medication? Or ask her to do things like go on walks with me, etc.? She doesn’t want to talk when I bring these things up.

I think you should divorce and let her find a real man who is sensitive to her health issues and needs. Instead of being grateful she is alive you only care about your needs.

I tried to warn you. This is the WORST board to post this question or expect any kind of valuable advice. It's full of man-hating, self-hating harpies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcing a cancer patient... that's a good one, you are a catch.

Have you thought maybe YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS THERAPY.

Try abandoning/leaving/divorcing a breast cancer survivor that cheats on you. How's that gonna look to anyone? And I mean ANYONE! You're stuck, unless you wanna leave the life you had completely behind, and leave the world you've known all your life?

You can always be like Erik Blackwater Prince and get your kids’ nanny pregnant while all this is going on.

[Anonymous]

I think you should divorce and let her find a real man who is sensitive to her health issues and needs. Instead of being grateful she is alive you only care about your needs.

I tried to warn you. This is the WORST board to post this question or expect any kind of valuable advice. It's full of man-hating, self-hating harpies.

+1000

The first PP has a great idea. Her advice: This poor woman, with a potentially fatal disease, should divorce her husband and try to care for herself on her own.

A PP talked about sexism blinding people in this thread. I think the poster was talking about this type of sexism - where a female poster will say anything, no matter how stupid, to try to hurt a male poster.