Wife with Metastatic Breast Cancer

[Anonymous]

Enlist a doctor she trusts to talk with her. Go with her to the doctor. Prime the doctor in advance that you are concerned about the prednisone, personality changes, whether she is possibly depressed too (she should be screened), whether she should be drinking at all. She needs to hear from someone who is NOT YOU. If your concerns are unfounded the doctor should say that too.

Your post reads as if you have been looking online for "what she should be doing at this point in recovery" and while that's not inherently bad at all, it also can give an unrealistic impression. If you think she should be exercising, are you going to exercise alongside her? If you want her to stop having wine every single day, are you going to give up or cut back on your own consumption to match her cutting back? If you think she needs a counselor, which actually sounds like a good idea, are you in therapy or counseling yourself, OP? Don't discount the idea. Family members of seriously ill people need outside help too.

I truly want to trash you for your post, based on what sounds whiny at best and callous at worst, but you've gotten plenty of trashing here already. I think you need a reality check: She really should be dead and she's not. Every day is an unearned miracle. Why did you marry her? Think about that and remember that the person you married is still there -- yes, it feels like she has changed, but you have no idea, or just a second-hand idea, what it is like to have your body and brain ravaged by disease first, and the treatment second. You can take proactive steps to help her but it sounds like your expectations may be out of whack and you feel she should be more "back to normal" by now. Not the case.

If you are focused on lack of sex, and fearing you will never have sex again, you really do need to (1) remember AGAIN that she should be dead and isn't, and get some gratitude and a spine, and (2) get yourself into therapy ASAP to get things into perspective.

Actually you might also benefit hugely from joining a support group for spouses of cancer patients. The people there will be people who have gone through what you are going through. They will be frank about things like lack of sex and a partner/patient who is collapsed on the couch every night, etc. Start here: https://www.cancercare.org/support_groups/77-caregiver_support_group_spouses_partners
This is an online group but if you eventually can find one in person, locally, that would help even more. You need perspective. Support groups can provide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to you but you couldn't have picked a worse Forum to post this question.

This. This forum is not the best place for a man to complain about his wife, even with super legitimate complaints. Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. You sound like my childhood best friend's dad. Her mom had cancer and eventually died from it, and it was so obvious to everyone that dad checked out and only cared about his needs. Soon after she died, he started dating and bringing women home to have sex with while his kids were there. Kids ended up severely psychologically damaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to you but you couldn't have picked a worse Forum to post this question.

This. This forum is not the best place for a man to complain about his wife, even with super legitimate complaints. Hugs, OP.

Sorry, but complaining your wife who has metastatic cancer won't have sex with you is not a legit complaint.

It would be one thing if OP has posted in the Health forum looking for advice on how he can improve his wife's health. But complaining that he's not getting laid and that she's not doing yoga and Pilates (because of course he knows better than he doctors!) when she's literally had to fight for her life is not legitimate, it's selfish and whiny.

[Anonymous]

This. This forum is not the best place for a man to complain about his wife, even with super legitimate complaints. Hugs, OP.

+1000. Please know someone is hoping you find help.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but complaining your wife who has metastatic cancer won't have sex with you is not a legit complaint.

It would be one thing if OP has posted in the Health forum looking for advice on how he can improve his wife's health. But complaining that he's not getting laid and that she's not doing yoga and Pilates (because of course he knows better than he doctors!) when she's literally had to fight for her life is not legitimate, it's selfish and whiny.

His idea that her drinking is an issue is legitimate.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would discretely look for ways to have your needs met, may require finding another cancer care taker who is in similar situation or regular trips to Nevada.

Once you deal with your own hormones, then you will be in a better place to help your DW.

And honestly, I think she is depressed because usually that diagnosis is a death sentence, so she is waiting for the sword to drop, which is misery. She likely will die within the decade; no evidence of cancer after metastasis? Really unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, but complaining your wife who has metastatic cancer won't have sex with you is not a legit complaint.

It would be one thing if OP has posted in the Health forum looking for advice on how he can improve his wife's health. But complaining that he's not getting laid and that she's not doing yoga and Pilates (because of course he knows better than he doctors!) when she's literally had to fight for her life is not legitimate, it's selfish and whiny.

His idea that her drinking is an issue is legitimate.

+ 1. Shut UP, Ms. Sorry. He’s looking for help, you dumb witch.

[Anonymous]

OP, highly recommend you read this essay

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2021/08/caitlin-flanagan-secret-of-surviving-cancer/619844/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, but complaining your wife who has metastatic cancer won't have sex with you is not a legit complaint.

It would be one thing if OP has posted in the Health forum looking for advice on how he can improve his wife's health. But complaining that he's not getting laid and that she's not doing yoga and Pilates (because of course he knows better than he doctors!) when she's literally had to fight for her life is not legitimate, it's selfish and whiny.

His idea that her drinking is an issue is legitimate.

He needs to consider that she has insomnia and is likely in pain, so that may be the only way she can sleep.

And no where did I hear “I’m concerned for my wife’s mental health, she’s been undergoing cancer treatment and I think she may be depressed. WhT can I do to help?” Instead it’s all about how it impacts HIM.

If he’s concerned about her drinking, he needs to speak with a doctor and learn about alcoholism, possibly attend Al-Anon meetings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcing a cancer patient... that's a good one, you are a catch.

Have you thought maybe YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS THERAPY.

Divorce a victim of cancer - oh that’s rich. OP is a horrible man.

Doctor here, and it happens all the time. Women are 7x more likely than men to be left after a cancer diagnosis.

That seems like a fear-mongering stat pulled out of nowhere. Who exactly is keeping track of that data? I would imagine that the number of people who leave their spouses after a cancer diagnosis is extraordinarily low, and so it may be a fact that men bail easier, but I am sure the numbers are very low overall, and I seriously question that figure thrown out there of “7 times.”

Assuming you are really a doctor, show me the evidence, what was the sample size, who did the survey, who was reporting the data?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but complaining your wife who has metastatic cancer won't have sex with you is not a legit complaint.

It would be one thing if OP has posted in the Health forum looking for advice on how he can improve his wife's health. But complaining that he's not getting laid and that she's not doing yoga and Pilates (because of course he knows better than he doctors!) when she's literally had to fight for her life is not legitimate, it's selfish and whiny.

You are horrible.

Who do you think is taking care of the kids and the house while helping her fight for her life? What you do not realize is that you are blinded by sexism.

[Anonymous]

He needs to consider that she has insomnia and is likely in pain, so that may be the only way she can sleep.

And no where did I hear “I’m concerned for my wife’s mental health, she’s been undergoing cancer treatment and I think she may be depressed. WhT can I do to help?” Instead it’s all about how it impacts HIM.

If he’s concerned about her drinking, he needs to speak with a doctor and learn about alcoholism, possibly attend Al-Anon meetings.

Your first point regarding insomnia is well taken. They should look into ways to help her sleep other than what she is doing now.

I read his message as asking for help with what is happening to him (and he is suffering as well.) It is not her fault she is sick, and it is not his fault he is looking for ways to make his life better while he takes care of his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcing a cancer patient... that's a good one, you are a catch.

Have you thought maybe YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS THERAPY.

Divorce a victim of cancer - oh that’s rich. OP is a horrible man.

Doctor here, and it happens all the time. Women are 7x more likely than men to be left after a cancer diagnosis.

That seems like a fear-mongering stat pulled out of nowhere. Who exactly is keeping track of that data? I would imagine that the number of people who leave their spouses after a cancer diagnosis is extraordinarily low, and so it may be a fact that men bail easier, but I am sure the numbers are very low overall, and I seriously question that figure thrown out there of “7 times.”

Assuming you are really a doctor, show me the evidence, what was the sample size, who did the survey, who was reporting the data?

The numbers are overall low, but 7x higher in women among those numbers. I do not have time to do your research for you, feel free to look it up.

[Anonymous]

Assuming you are really a doctor, show me the evidence, what was the sample size, who did the survey, who was reporting the data?


The numbers are overall low, but 7x higher in women among those numbers. I do not have time to do your research for you, feel free to look it up.

Translation: I pulled up the 7x number out of my ear and cannot back it up.