Guy wants exclusivity before first date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop dating online you weirdos. Throw your smartphone in the ocean and meet people in real life.

Trust me, this would be great! But where does a 54 yo meet single men? I HAtE online dating with the passion, but it seems it’s the on,y option to meet people. The k my kther option is pure chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I disagree with most of PPs. This is a completely legitimate request. If we’re going to try dating, then I don’t want to feel like you just got done blowing someone else earlier that day.

It’s not a “commitment” or controlling. We have a date, or a couple dates, and it’s not clicking then cool. We go our separate ways. But I don’t think it’s odd to just date one person at a time, even if it’s only briefly.

I agree with this. I'm female and would have no interest in dating a player, nor would I want to be one.

It's hard to tell the situation with OP's guy without more context. Is he trying to avoid women who want to play the field and doesn't want to waste even one date if he knows in advance this would be a deal breaker? You might not work out after even the first date, but maybe he's just trying to filter as much as he can before then. This seems reasonable to me.

If he's professing his desire for a serious, long-term commitment to OP without even meeting her, then she needs to run.

[Anonymous]

Trust me, this would be great! But where does a 54 yo meet single men? I HAtE online dating with the passion, but it seems it’s the on,y option to meet people. The k my kther option is pure chance.

Not many of us in our age range (mid-50s) love OLD. However, it is the best option. Sadly, you have work it like it is your LinkedIn account; however, trying to meet people other places ("Hi. Do you shop at Whole Foods often?") is much worse.

People used to tell me to meet people at church (where the only women I know are either young moms or women materially older than I am) or join meet-up groups (which are normally as much fun as going to NuSkin sales calls.)

[Anonymous]

I would respond honestly that I'm unwilling to limit myself for someone I haven't met, but that I would be fine with revisiting the exclusivity discussion after a few dates if we were clicking well. And I would say if that's a dealbreaker for him, I understand, we can cancel the date and I wish him well.

Then see how he reacts.

If he says "okay, that makes sense, see you Tuesday" then great. Go on the date, and just keep an eye out for any controlling tendencies.

If he makes any level of fuss or pouting, run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would respond honestly that I'm unwilling to limit myself for someone I haven't met, but that I would be fine with revisiting the exclusivity discussion after a few dates if we were clicking well. And I would say if that's a dealbreaker for him, I understand, we can cancel the date and I wish him well.

Then see how he reacts.

If he says "okay, that makes sense, see you Tuesday" then great. Go on the date, and just keep an eye out for any controlling tendencies.

If he makes any level of fuss or pouting, run.

🥇

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I disagree with most of PPs. This is a completely legitimate request. If we’re going to try dating, then I don’t want to feel like you just got done blowing someone else earlier that day.

It’s not a “commitment” or controlling. We have a date, or a couple dates, and it’s not clicking then cool. We go our separate ways. But I don’t think it’s odd to just date one person at a time, even if it’s only briefly.

I agree with this. I'm female and would have no interest in dating a player, nor would I want to be one.

It's hard to tell the situation with OP's guy without more context. Is he trying to avoid women who want to play the field and doesn't want to waste even one date if he knows in advance this would be a deal breaker? You might not work out after even the first date, but maybe he's just trying to filter as much as he can before then. This seems reasonable to me.

If he's professing his desire for a serious, long-term commitment to OP without even meeting her, then she needs to run.

Dating multiple people until you decide on one to be exclusive with does not make you are player.
A player. Is someone who leads someone on and is dishonest about intentions. Bye you can be exclusive with a player

Also you are agreeing with a man who believes he has a right to control your sexuality. Is disgusted by you being intimate with another man, and who would likely shame you for having more partners than he seems appropriate. Finally he thinks going on a date entitled him to sex. Don't be do quick to cosign and be the cool chick.

[Anonymous]

How about being upfront. “Hey Adam, I’ve enjoyed talking to you and appreciate that you are seeking an exclusive long term relationship. I am as well. Since we have not even meet in person yet, it is too soon for me to discuss exclusivity. If your game, I’m happy to continue getting to know you and look forward to a first date.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I disagree with most of PPs. This is a completely legitimate request. If we’re going to try dating, then I don’t want to feel like you just got done blowing someone else earlier that day.

It’s not a “commitment” or controlling. We have a date, or a couple dates, and it’s not clicking then cool. We go our separate ways. But I don’t think it’s odd to just date one person at a time, even if it’s only briefly.

I agree with this. I'm female and would have no interest in dating a player, nor would I want to be one.

It's hard to tell the situation with OP's guy without more context. Is he trying to avoid women who want to play the field and doesn't want to waste even one date if he knows in advance this would be a deal breaker? You might not work out after even the first date, but maybe he's just trying to filter as much as he can before then. This seems reasonable to me.

If he's professing his desire for a serious, long-term commitment to OP without even meeting her, then she needs to run.

Dating multiple people until you decide on one to be exclusive with does not make you are player.
A player. Is someone who leads someone on and is dishonest about intentions. Bye you can be exclusive with a player

Also you are agreeing with a man who believes he has a right to control your sexuality. Is disgusted by you being intimate with another man, and who would likely shame you for having more partners than he seems appropriate. Finally he thinks going on a date entitled him to sex. Don't be do quick to cosign and be the cool chick.

What?

[Anonymous]

Stalker

[Anonymous]

The answers here show how some people approach every situation thinking of the worst possible outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answers here show how some people approach every situation thinking of the worst possible outcome.

I dated for a decade and a half before getting married and never encountered someone asking for exclusivity before a first date, either in my own experiences or in any friends' tellings. It's a strange request. Unless OP has somehow misunderstood the request (along the lines of upthread PPs saying he might have been telling her upfront that he's not looking for anything casual), I think it's a red flag.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

I'm glad he seems to be accepting your boundaries.

As for your second paragraph, I don't know what you mean? I don't believe in playing games or following "rules" for example I don't believe in the wait X amount of days to tell him you enjoyed the date or whatever. However, there is something to be said for a little mystery especially early on, leave something to talk about on the dates.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don’t play games. It’s more so that in the beginning of getting to know someone I don’t feel compelled to give them daily attention for instance. Once I’ve gotten to know them and enjoy them I move to stuff like that. Since I frequently end up with guys who down the line have lower preferences for quality time, I was wondering if perhaps I should be dating men like this guy. He is open about the fact that quality time is important to him. Though currently I feel like he is moving much faster than I’d like. But perhaps we will eventually end up on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t play games. It’s more so that in the beginning of getting to know someone I don’t feel compelled to give them daily attention for instance. Once I’ve gotten to know them and enjoy them I move to stuff like that. Since I frequently end up with guys who down the line have lower preferences for quality time, I was wondering if perhaps I should be dating men like this guy. He is open about the fact that quality time is important to him. Though currently I feel like he is moving much faster than I’d like. But perhaps we will eventually end up on the same page.

Hmm I'm not sure/ I generally think communication style is something that can be worked on if both parties are inclined. I'm also not clear what you mean by daily attention? To me, that's something that happens organically as well you will naturally want to talk to each other more if you are into each other. But early on I don't feel like I need to text or call every day either.