Guy wants exclusivity before first date

[Anonymous]

Is his name Jon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

Your wording of quality time is confusing. What do you mean? I think another PP was confused too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

Your wording of quality time is confusing. What do you mean? I think another PP was confused too.

I think OP is saying maybe she should give this clingy guy a chance because she has felt overly clingy in past relationships so she is thinking they might suit each other.

OP, no. You like a lot of quality time with a partner once you have gotten close with them. This is in the range of normal desires. Asking for exclusivity pre first date is just weird. Move on and find a normal guy who also likes quality time together but isn’t desperate to have it with a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

Your wording of quality time is confusing. What do you mean? I think another PP was confused too.

I think OP is saying maybe she should give this clingy guy a chance because she has felt overly clingy in past relationships so she is thinking they might suit each other.

OP, no. You like a lot of quality time with a partner once you have gotten close with them. This is in the range of normal desires. Asking for exclusivity pre first date is just weird. Move on and find a normal guy who also likes quality time together but isn’t desperate to have it with a stranger.

OP enjoys physically spending time together; dates, fun hangouts etc. more than some. Some people like more independence, not spending all weekend with their significant other etc.

OP: run from this guy. Major red flags.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised people on here are uncomfortable with the idea of dating casually before committing to exclusivity.

When I was younger, I often went on dates just to feel a person out. This didn’t involve sex or even kissing. If we liked each other we would continue dating. For me, I did ask for exclusivity before sex but this was after a period of dating.

To me, exclusivity means we are entering into a relationship and I would not want to do that before a first date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

OP, I'm married (first marriage for both) with kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But, yes, you're doing a 180 after the relationship started and the guys aren't matching your reversal. The more serious relationships I've had went to daily contact pretty quickly if not immediately. The guys who want contact or dates 1-3 times per week typically don't grow to want more with time IME. You can have daily contact to see if you want a long-term commitment and sex. Just texting and dating a lot doesn't mean you owe anyone anything, and you haven't said anything that indicates that this guy expects it. He seems like he respects your desire for a different approach.

I would start dating him soon. Weeks of texting without dating does seem a little strange to me. Go out once and see how you feel. Unless you can tell that you don't like him, go out again until you know. You can offer exclusivity without agreeing to get into a long-term relationship or hop into bed. You can decide after date 1 or 3 or 8 that you don't want to see him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

OP, I'm married (first marriage for both) with kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But, yes, you're doing a 180 after the relationship started and the guys aren't matching your reversal. The more serious relationships I've had went to daily contact pretty quickly if not immediately. The guys who want contact or dates 1-3 times per week typically don't grow to want more with time IME. You can have daily contact to see if you want a long-term commitment and sex. Just texting and dating a lot doesn't mean you owe anyone anything, and you haven't said anything that indicates that this guy expects it. He seems like he respects your desire for a different approach.

I would start dating him soon. Weeks of texting without dating does seem a little strange to me. Go out once and see how you feel. Unless you can tell that you don't like him, go out again until you know. You can offer exclusivity without agreeing to get into a long-term relationship or hop into bed. You can decide after date 1 or 3 or 8 that you don't want to see him anymore.

She's not doing a 180. She's acting like a normal person.

[Anonymous]

Nopity nope nope nope.

[Anonymous]

I thought of this as a more awkward way to ask if you were actively dating other people or regularly dated multiple people at the same time. I didn't think stalker but more insecure. I think you handled it fine.

[Anonymous]

This is likely someone who is going to be controlling as well as possibly abusive.

Do not get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So I told the guy that I am looking to find someone to date seriously, but that becoming exclusive is something that happens organically over time after getting to know someone. He seemed to accept that. He has been texting a lot though.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I like to ease into a relationship. I take my time with giving someone attention. Once I’m into them I like a lot of quality time, and often end up with partners who want less quality time. Maybe do I need to warm up more to people like this guy to find men who like a lot of quality time down the road?

OP, I'm married (first marriage for both) with kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But, yes, you're doing a 180 after the relationship started and the guys aren't matching your reversal. The more serious relationships I've had went to daily contact pretty quickly if not immediately. The guys who want contact or dates 1-3 times per week typically don't grow to want more with time IME. You can have daily contact to see if you want a long-term commitment and sex. Just texting and dating a lot doesn't mean you owe anyone anything, and you haven't said anything that indicates that this guy expects it. He seems like he respects your desire for a different approach.

I would start dating him soon. Weeks of texting without dating does seem a little strange to me. Go out once and see how you feel. Unless you can tell that you don't like him, go out again until you know. You can offer exclusivity without agreeing to get into a long-term relationship or hop into bed. You can decide after date 1 or 3 or 8 that you don't want to see him anymore.

She's not doing a 180. She's acting like a normal person.

Agreed. I can’t get past how weird it is to ask for exclusivity before you’ve gone on a first date. I don’t think it’s crazy to move towards exclusivity quickly once you’ve met and if you are really into each other but this is strange.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine the kind of person who would think this is an ok ask. Either the controlling or manipulative love bombing type? Or maybe he just has no idea how dating works? Either way I’d be wary.

[Anonymous]

Exclusive couples typically have sex; just wondering, is that planned for the first date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exclusive couples typically have sex; just wondering, is that planned for the first date?

Yeah, this is what I’d be nervous about. If he is trying to build intimacy online and over text and jump right into sex the first time we meet that’s a hard no go for me.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks every one for weighing in. I have a bad gut feeling that this guy is going to smother me, so I’m going to back out of the date.