DH working out every night for 2 hours

[Anonymous]

women: my husband is a fat slob that doesn't take care of his body, i'm not attracted to him
also women: halp (( my husband is working out too much and i'm embittered by his self-care, should i divorce him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really can't deal with your kids on your own for 2-4 hrs at a time?

It’s not that I can’t . The question is why should I have to?

I’m with the op. Her kids are gone all day. His workload is slow. Pregnant physician op is on her feet all day long and when she gets home she has to cook and clean and be on top of the 2 kids and he disappears when the kid haven’t been home all day anyway?

My suggestion is to sit down and outline all the things that need to get done. Talk about streamlining things so when baby comes nobody has to nag anyone else. Join Instacart so you don’t have to shop. Hire someone to clean if you can. Then split the rest up. Because 2 hours of alone time every day is GOLD and you each should get the same amount if possible. I have a physician spouse who is gone a lot and is exhausted when they get home.

New poster. OP, I hope you come back and re-read the post I put into bold above. This is the most practical, and least judgmental and angry, way to approach this.

I would add, OP, that I haven't seen you come back to answer one question someone asked early on: Have you told your DH you are frustrated by this? If so, what did you say (how did you phrase it) and what was his response? Are you actually both communicating about this? If not, you both need to step up the communication. Yes, of course he ought to know how hard you work, but frankly if you're assuming he should know by osmosis that he's upsetting and angering you -- please drop that assumption and actually talk to him. Do not do it when the kids are running around, when you're tired right after work, as he's heading out the door for another run. You will get angry and he will then get defensive and neither of you will actually hear the other one at a time like that.

Also: Things like working out are ways we all can avoid stuff for a time with a very legit excuse. I do it too, with certain errands which frankly I extend with some extra driving around, to get alone time because we are both working from home. I definitely know people who have admitted they work out extra-long times as a way to get alone time. So this is a pretty common thing to do--and he may not even view it as exercising just to get away from the kids but might genuinely think it's only about the exercise. That is NOT an excuse, OP, but it could be an explanation, and one worth keeping in your mind. If he's going to stick to his guns about two hours of workout, he's going to have to flex the timing of it.

You and he need to talk about this, and as the wise PP above says, implement some serious ways to deal. Schedules, charts, helpers. You have a third kid coming and that's only going to exacerbate things. Throw money and organization at the issue. Should you HAVE to? No. But if you don't want this to fester, do it. And yes, he needs to understand how his exercise schedule affects you and your feelings about him!

Oh, and OP, you know that DCUM always, always defaults in its hive mind to "Cheating!!" in every case like this, right? As soon as I read just your thread title, I knew the "he's cheating" posters would come out of the woodwork. Ignore. They project their own problems into every single post about every other marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to say it, but my impression is he’s cheating. Who sits at their computer to plan runs? And what is he doing all day? Then he’s stepping out at night?

He may be feeling overwhelmed that his work is down, you apparently are the breadwinner, and you have another baby on the way. He likely wants to escape the responsibilities and inadequacies of his life. An affair is a non productive, dead end way to do that. I don’t know what’s worse in these situations - the cheating, the persistent lying, or finally realizing your man isn’t a man at all (and that you are both the woman and the man in the relationship).

1) I use an online map to plan my run - easy to get the milage I want and visualize the route in my head so I don't flake out and not go the full distance I planned.
2) If he was going to have an affair, why not during the day so that nobody notices he's gone?? It doesn't make any sense to wait until his wife is HOME.

Lol, seriously. PPs focused on cheating are insane based on the information provided.

OP: "He works out for two hours at a time."
PPs: "Must be cheating!"
OP: "Well, actually, he's only gone for like 40 minutes, but he then has another hour and 20 minutes planning his run and stretching at home."
PPs: "Then he's even more cheating! Doing extra stuff consistent with running makes it obvious that he's not running."

[Anonymous]

1. Talk to him about this and your frustrations. Based on the way you've described it, it does not sound fair.

2. Either you or him work out early in the morning if it's that important to you. I work out religiously every day but I'm showered and cooking breakfast by the time the kids wake up.

[Anonymous]

I’d follow him once to verify this is actually a workout (w/out his knowledge of course).

I almost did that when the studio workouts seemed unusually long Friday afternoons. If I had, i would have found out a few years sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d follow him once to verify this is actually a workout (w/out his knowledge of course).

I almost did that when the studio workouts seemed unusually long Friday afternoons. If I had, i would have found out a few years sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This past year DH has been stuck at home with our eldest for remote school - she did have a tutor/sitter for about half the day. His work was slow and he was able to use the time to get back in shape. I’m happy for him and proud of him for doing that. But since DD has been in camp and the youngest has been in daycare, he’s been making it more of a point to run at nighttime, leaving me with all the childcare for an average of two hours almost every single night and up to 4+ hours on the weekend on a weekend day. I’m a physician pregnant with DC3, and do tend to work long hours and worked all through COVID, and I can appreciate how hard this year has been for him, but I was home this week on a staycation and noted that his work is still incredibly slow. He has plenty of time to work out in the day, but he is literally just sitting [b]around while I run around to the grocery store and clean the house. I am feeling furious and taken advantage of. Is it unreasonable for me to be mad at this? It’s not like it was a hot day, it was sunny and in the high 60s, perfect for a run.

Is he actually at work? Many business need the employee to actually be available during work hours not working or running errands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d follow him once to verify this is actually a workout (w/out his knowledge of course).

I almost did that when the studio workouts seemed unusually long Friday afternoons. If I had, i would have found out a few years sooner.

Exactly. You never think it could happen even when the signs are staring you in the face. Here, the husband is AVOIDING family time and responsibilities on a regular basis. That is exhibit 1 for a slippery slope to escapist behavior. Maybe the escapism is simply the workouts, but don’t be surprised if computer time is affair prep time, and the two hours at night are when AP is free for dinner/drinks and some action.

Add to that the other poster saying look out for what he does while you are gone during the day too lol. Goes to shows when there’s a will to cheat, the cheater will find a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d follow him once to verify this is actually a workout (w/out his knowledge of course).

I almost did that when the studio workouts seemed unusually long Friday afternoons. If I had, i would have found out a few years sooner.

Exactly. You never think it could happen even when the signs are staring you in the face. Here, the husband is AVOIDING family time and responsibilities on a regular basis. That is exhibit 1 for a slippery slope to escapist behavior. Maybe the escapism is simply the workouts, but don’t be surprised if computer time is affair prep time, and the two hours at night are when AP is free for dinner/drinks and some action.

Add to that the other poster saying look out for what he does while you are gone during the day too lol. Goes to shows when there’s a will to cheat, the cheater will find a way.

The biggest clue would be that after routinely exercises for 2 hours a day, if his physique doesn't change. either weight loss or more muscle. or improved 5k time, etc.

But it really doesnt sound like cheating. Didnt OP say he goes for a run for 40 minutes, then comes home and stretches, etc for another hour? I assume that extra time is spent at home. And I assume he comes home sweaty and dirty from his run?

And to get ahead of the PTSD crowd, sweaty and dirty from sex is a different type of sweaty and dirty from running

[Anonymous]

Men are babies!

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t he go when kids are asleep? I mean it’s not even dark until 9, so what time are your kids going down?

[Anonymous]

I commiserate. My husband decided to become a triathlete a few years ago. I was glad he was getting in shape, but very annoyed by how his 1.5-4 hours of exercise affected my ability to have any freedom or downtime.

We compromised that he exercises early in the morning, during the day when possible, on evenings where we've already determined easier meals, or later in the evenings. We discuss his workout schedule for a few days at a time, as well, to adjust timing if needed.

Have you considered getting a treadmill?

My DH does a lot of indoor biking, which helps as it doesn't prevent me from going on errands. Not sure how old your other children are, a PPs suggestion of a gym with a daycare is a great suggestion. Once the baby is old enough, a jogging stroller could also help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 hours a day is for idiots that don’t know what they’re doing. That or professional athletes with top tier coaching staff. Tell him to stop being an idiot.

I’m a CPT. And that’s just not true. Two hours is perfectly reasonable for someone serious about their fitness. People who think their little one hour workouts are enough don’t understand what it means to truly train. OP, I agree. He needs to be more sensitive to family responsibilities. Can he work out early in the morning? I’m in the gym by about 5am. I hate it. But I need the time snd early mornings are the easiest time for me.

Yeah, but when you have 2 kids, 1 on the way and your spouse is a doctor, you don’t get to be that serious about your fitness. One hour max and you do it during your slow workday. Or when the kids are asleep.

Yep. I have three kids and am a lawyer. I exercise 20-30 minutes a day. It’s plenty. I fit into my high school jeans.

And right about now those high waisted jeans are back in style. You kept them for 30 years???

High waisted? No. I kept my paper denim and cloth ones with a waist below my belly button. I was a HS senior in 2002. They finally fell apart last year.

[Anonymous]

He needs time away from you. He's establishing a pace which means he brings his best self to the times he is will you. You need more help? Hire out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commiserate. My husband decided to become a triathlete a few years ago. I was glad he was getting in shape, but very annoyed by how his 1.5-4 hours of exercise affected my ability to have any freedom or downtime.

We compromised that he exercises early in the morning, during the day when possible, on evenings where we've already determined easier meals, or later in the evenings. We discuss his workout schedule for a few days at a time, as well, to adjust timing if needed.

Have you considered getting a treadmill?

My DH does a lot of indoor biking, which helps as it doesn't prevent me from going on errands. Not sure how old your other children are, a PPs suggestion of a gym with a daycare is a great suggestion. Once the baby is old enough, a jogging stroller could also help.

Do you have kids? WTAH…

https://www.newwaveswimbuoy.com/blogs/news/five-pitfalls-to-ironman-distance-triathlon