Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is dealing with similar issues because our country offers no help. My elderly father is 8 hours away, a millionaire, and refuses to have someone in to help clean or grocery shop, or to move closer or into assisted living. My siblings and I can’t be there all the time, and it’s challenging. This is end of life in America.

What? Your father is a millionaire and refusing help and it is the country’s fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my fil lives in california. both my husband and his sister live on the east coast. fil cared for mil before she passed. now fil health is declining and neither my dh or sil want to go help. both are busy with work. fil.does not want to move to be closer to us. even with siblings, when there is distance , it isnt so easy.
I offered to go help him get established in an assisted living home so he can have company and people to keep an eye on him but no one wants to pay for it. despite $$$ being available.
if it was me, I would have flown back and tried to force my father to move back with me. if he refused, I would have gone the assisted living route and try to visit 2-3 times a year. but I am not in your shoes.

OP here. It's hard, isn't it. And it's not as simple as some people think it is.

My Dad was a proud, independent man who could be stubborn and difficult at times. A relative on Mom's side of the family had hinted that I should move my Dad into assisted living. However at the time I saw this as 'betrayal' and 'dumping' my Dad, especially as he was only in his early 60s. Also my Dad would NEVER have moved into assisted living or a care home willingly.

Probably one of the reasons some family members stopped offering help was my Dad's mental health. He'd had a couple of mini strokes which affected his behaviour. For instance he would never write a shopping list and he found it hard to organize his thoughts. He'd call someone twice a day to get groceries or at awkward times.

As I said earlier, knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn't have moved abroad. I never even thought about the consequences of moving far away from parents and relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my fil lives in california. both my husband and his sister live on the east coast. fil cared for mil before she passed. now fil health is declining and neither my dh or sil want to go help. both are busy with work. fil.does not want to move to be closer to us. even with siblings, when there is distance , it isnt so easy.
I offered to go help him get established in an assisted living home so he can have company and people to keep an eye on him but no one wants to pay for it. despite $$$ being available.
if it was me, I would have flown back and tried to force my father to move back with me. if he refused, I would have gone the assisted living route and try to visit 2-3 times a year. but I am not in your shoes.

OP here. It's hard, isn't it. And it's not as simple as some people think it is.

My Dad was a proud, independent man who could be stubborn and difficult at times. A relative on Mom's side of the family had hinted that I should move my Dad into assisted living. However at the time I saw this as 'betrayal' and 'dumping' my Dad, especially as he was only in his early 60s. Also my Dad would NEVER have moved into assisted living or a care home willingly.

Probably one of the reasons some family members stopped offering help was my Dad's mental health. He'd had a couple of mini strokes which affected his behaviour. For instance he would never write a shopping list and he found it hard to organize his thoughts. He'd call someone twice a day to get groceries or at awkward times.

As I said earlier, knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn't have moved abroad. I never even thought about the consequences of moving far away from parents and relatives.

OP, I am a PP. No one is saying that it isn't hard. It is. The only thing anyone is saying definitively is that you have to stop blaming your relatives. That's it. It isn't their fault. Just as it isn't your fault that your dad got himself into that predicament and then made it hard to help him.

I have said you need to find a way to move on. I am in the middle of dealing with this now. It is difficult to deal with aging parents who need 24 hour care no matter where you live. It's also hard to watch what in some ways feels like a glimpse into a crystal ball for our own future. All any of us can do is do the best we can for our parents AND make plans for our own future to try to be more prepared. Be kind to yourself and move on from your thoughts about your relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

Yes, this is the answer.

OP, you were not obligated to help him by rearranging your life. That doesn't negate the fact that other, unrelated, people were also not obligated to help outside the boundaries they set, wherever those boundaries might be.

You were his child. They were not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.

[Anonymous]

Please forgive yourself, OP.

It seems as though you allowed your DH to convince you not to move back home. Your willingness to fly in every few weeks suggests you truly wanted to be there. I am sure your parents would understand that you did the best that you could as the you that you were at that time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have finished reading he thread.

Please understand that you are not alone. Many, many children struggle with this. The details may differ, but the picture is overall the same.

You don't have to accept responsibility for this. Life is just sometimes really crappy. But you don't have to -- or get to -- place that responsibility on other people, either.

[Anonymous]

Well it’s not their job either. This is why your dad should have saved more money- to hire the help his daughter was unable or unwilling to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my fil lives in california. both my husband and his sister live on the east coast. fil cared for mil before she passed. now fil health is declining and neither my dh or sil want to go help. both are busy with work. fil.does not want to move to be closer to us. even with siblings, when there is distance , it isnt so easy.
I offered to go help him get established in an assisted living home so he can have company and people to keep an eye on him but no one wants to pay for it. despite $$$ being available.
if it was me, I would have flown back and tried to force my father to move back with me. if he refused, I would have gone the assisted living route and try to visit 2-3 times a year. but I am not in your shoes.

Same. This is exactly what everyone in my circle has done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.

OP here. I talked to my Dad on the phone 2 or 3 times per week. I called him or he called me. We kept in touch and we talked for long periods of time.

The thing is, my Dad would only tell me what he wanted me to hear. This was not malicious or anything - he didn want upset or worry me. After he passed I found out certain things he hadn't told me. The fact that he'd had a seizure in the grocery store and in the bank, for instance.
The reason I was hoping that my relatives would check on him is that they would have been able to assess the real situation as opposed to the picture my Dad painted when he talked to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.

OP here. I talked to my Dad on the phone 2 or 3 times per week. I called him or he called me. We kept in touch and we talked for long periods of time.

The thing is, my Dad would only tell me what he wanted me to hear. This was not malicious or anything - he didn want upset or worry me. After he passed I found out certain things he hadn't told me. The fact that he'd had a seizure in the grocery store and in the bank, for instance.
The reason I was hoping that my relatives would check on him is that they would have been able to assess the real situation as opposed to the picture my Dad painted when he talked to me.

Then you should have called your relative, explained the situation and your concerns, ask them to check on him, then update you about what needed to be done. Then you send a gift in thanks to acknowledge they went out of their way for you and your dad and to make it easier for you to ask again in the future.

Why didn’t you do that? Simple enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone in your story did anything wrong (you’re entitled to your life!) but it’s obnoxious of you to wanted family to take over the job you wouldn’t do. And if it’s a competition you were clearly more selfish than more distant relatives who didn’t step up to play caregiver.

OP here. DH and I did whatever we could to help my Dad. Being a caregiver is hard when you're in a different country from the person who needs the care.

What was I meant to do? Leave my husband, my home and my job abroad and move back in with Dad? It's not that simple.
I made the decision to move abroad when I was 27. Little did I know that my parents would get sick and die so quickly.

Of course I didn't expect my family to take over the bulk of the care. But they wouldn't even go check on him, or pick up the phone to ask if he needed anything.

Yes, you could have moved home to care for him, or moved him to care for him. You set your own boundaries. So did they. They did nothing wrong. Likewise you made your choices.

Your relatives must think you are pretty nervy to expect help when you are unwilling to go out of your way to provide it to anyone else in the family.

Yes, this is the answer.

OP, you were not obligated to help him by rearranging your life. That doesn't negate the fact that other, unrelated, people were also not obligated to help outside the boundaries they set, wherever those boundaries might be.

You were his child. They were not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.

Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.

Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.

Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.

OP here. I talked to my Dad on the phone 2 or 3 times per week. I called him or he called me. We kept in touch and we talked for long periods of time.

The thing is, my Dad would only tell me what he wanted me to hear. This was not malicious or anything - he didn want upset or worry me. After he passed I found out certain things he hadn't told me. The fact that he'd had a seizure in the grocery store and in the bank, for instance.
The reason I was hoping that my relatives would check on him is that they would have been able to assess the real situation as opposed to the picture my Dad painted when he talked to me.

And you think he would have allowed relatives but not aides? And even if he did, he would not have hidden what he could from them, knowing it would get back to you? That's a pretty naive perspective, and it speaks more to offloading guilt than to reality.

This isn't other people's fault, OP. I think the thread is pretty clear judgment on that. And you deserve to be able to put this aside and move forward, not continue to be consumed by this process that had no good answers anyway. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it’s not their job either. This is why your dad should have saved more money- to hire the help his daughter was unable or unwilling to give.

You didn't read the whole thread. I organized the appropriate help for him. Aides every 2 days, a nurse twice a day and a cleaner once a week.

My Dad cancelled the aides behind my back. I reinstated the help but, sadly, my Dad kept cancelling the aides.

His cleaner left and he refused to hire a new one.

His nurse continued to look after him until he was taken to hospital and died there. He liked his nurse.