Husband said I’m selfish and terrible wife and he will divorce me

[Anonymous]

How often is this expected? Once a year? Every weekend?

How you deal with it depends on the expectation. You are part of that family so there needs to be give and take. Once a year you suck it up and plan in advance for the inevitable. Every weekend you set limits. Separate cars is a great idea. Just because your husband got married doesn’t mean that he has to leave his family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

This is probably the worst piece of advice ever given on DCUM. He's not a father. And even if he was that's not a reason to not leave his mother's house at a reasonable time after spending 6 hours with them because his mother might get upsets. It's not a reason for him to be verbally abusive to his wife. ANd most importantly wives do not just have to sit around and do whatever their husbands tell them because their husbands don't want to make mommy mad.

Yes they do. If they want to stay married. And husbands have to do the same. You do not get to do what you want once you are married, frankly even dating, when it comes to people's parents. You have to suck it up and deal secure in the knowledge that your inlaws will be dead soon enough.

Whatever planet you are from, I'm glad I don't live there.

Compromise? Yes. Being kind and respectful to inlaws even if you'd rather be elsewhere? Yes.
But doing whatever your spouse wants? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

This is probably the worst piece of advice ever given on DCUM. He's not a father. And even if he was that's not a reason to not leave his mother's house at a reasonable time after spending 6 hours with them because his mother might get upsets. It's not a reason for him to be verbally abusive to his wife. ANd most importantly wives do not just have to sit around and do whatever their husbands tell them because their husbands don't want to make mommy mad.

Yes they do. If they want to stay married. And husbands have to do the same. You do not get to do what you want once you are married, frankly even dating, when it comes to people's parents. You have to suck it up and deal secure in the knowledge that your inlaws will be dead soon enough.

Not sure if you're just trolling. But if you aren't you are dead wrong and have a very toxic view of relationships.

Not trolling. Maybe overstating to make a point. A relationship is a compromise. Husband should compromise and not make wife stay there all the time so late if it is an issue. Wife needs to stay sometimes too. There is a happy medium here. But when it comes to family time, spouses are stuck to some degree if you want to make a marriage work. That may involve being there to 11:00 pm sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often is this expected? Once a year? Every weekend?

How you deal with it depends on the expectation. You are part of that family so there needs to be give and take. Once a year you suck it up and plan in advance for the inevitable. Every weekend you set limits. Separate cars is a great idea. Just because your husband got married doesn’t mean that he has to leave his family of origin.

Nobody, not even OP has said her husband can't see his family. He does however have to prioritize the need his wife and treat her with respect. He was with his family for 6 hours today leaving at 8 pm is more than reasonable especially when you have work the next say. Speaking to his wife the way he did is completely unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

This is probably the worst piece of advice ever given on DCUM. He's not a father. And even if he was that's not a reason to not leave his mother's house at a reasonable time after spending 6 hours with them because his mother might get upsets. It's not a reason for him to be verbally abusive to his wife. ANd most importantly wives do not just have to sit around and do whatever their husbands tell them because their husbands don't want to make mommy mad.

Yes they do. If they want to stay married. And husbands have to do the same. You do not get to do what you want once you are married, frankly even dating, when it comes to people's parents. You have to suck it up and deal secure in the knowledge that your inlaws will be dead soon enough.

Marriage comes 1st. What God joins, let no one separate. Spouse comes before parents. Unless they are paying your bills

You marry the family too. Don't think otherwise. If you hate them before you will hate they worse later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

This is probably the worst piece of advice ever given on DCUM. He's not a father. And even if he was that's not a reason to not leave his mother's house at a reasonable time after spending 6 hours with them because his mother might get upsets. It's not a reason for him to be verbally abusive to his wife. ANd most importantly wives do not just have to sit around and do whatever their husbands tell them because their husbands don't want to make mommy mad.

Yes they do. If they want to stay married. And husbands have to do the same. You do not get to do what you want once you are married, frankly even dating, when it comes to people's parents. You have to suck it up and deal secure in the knowledge that your inlaws will be dead soon enough.

Not sure if you're just trolling. But if you aren't you are dead wrong and have a very toxic view of relationships.

Not trolling. Maybe overstating to make a point. A relationship is a compromise. Husband should compromise and not make wife stay there all the time so late if it is an issue. Wife needs to stay sometimes too. There is a happy medium here. But when it comes to family time, spouses are stuck to some degree if you want to make a marriage work. That may involve being there to 11:00 pm sometimes.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree on this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had a yelling match just now. We were over at the in laws for a Father’s Day celebration. We left around 2 pm and left their place around 8:20pm. The long-standing issue seems to be that my husband, whenever we go over there, doesn’t seem to want to leave until very late. His reasoning for that is that his mother’s feelings get hurt. Whenever we have gone over there, we stay over until 11 pm or so or end up spending the night. As I’ve gotten older, I’d much prefer to come home at at a more reasonable hour on a Sunday. I need to shower, do laundry or prepare for the week and would like to get home at a time when I have a few hours to get myself situated before my week begins.

I have been telling my husband when we go over there to leave for home at 7:30 pm or so but he doesn’t commit to anything. Today we were over there and we left at 8:20 pm. I was tired and kept trying to hint to him to leave. We get in the car and he tells me I embarrassed him by keep checking the time. Everyone knows I wanted to leave and their feelings get hurt.

I was angry and told him it’s actually he that keeps disrespecting me. I said mean things, he said mean things. It escalated to a screaming match where I told him I feel foolish as it’s obvious he doesn’t care about me. He called me names and told me f*ck you! He said he hates me and I’m a selfish and terrible wife and he wants to divorce me and he is leaving. He starts trying to pack and I start crying and told him to stop. He screamed that he didn’t want to see my face.

I’m shaking and crying in the bedroom.

Am I a terrible wife?

It concerns me that this is your question after your husband's behavior. Sure you could have taken another car. Agreed to him staying the night or ubering home, but that's irrelevant. him screaming at you calling names etc is so far over the line of appropriateness and is in abusive territory. Please take this as the warning sign it is and get out now.

Typical DCUM, take the wife's side and blame the husband. OP said that it escalated into a screaming match and the both said mean things. She mentioned what mean things he said, but not what mean things she said. And yet, you call his behavior abusive, but not hers. Some clear sexism going on here.

OP--you are not a terrible wife. You together are a bad couple. If there is any hope, you two need couples counseling and quickly. You were disrespectful by watching the clock. Based on your SIL's behavior, you were clearly doing so frequently enough that not only did your husband notice, but his whole family did, too. You clearly made it seem as if you did not want to stay there and that you were counting down the time until you could get your husband to leave. That's rude. To be fair, your husband was rude to you, as well, but you were rude to his entire family and you did embarass him.

You need to learn to communicate better. You were both rather passive aggressive. You clearly mentioned that you did not like the late night visits and wanted a commitment to leave earlier. He was passive aggressive by being non-commital and then acting offended when you dragged him away. You were being passive aggressive by being blatantly obvious in checking the time frequently enough that his in-laws noticed and your husband was embarrassed. You are both being poor at communicating with each other and respecting each other. I don't particularly think you are any worse than he is; but I don't think you are any better either. You both were wrong and you both did terrible things. If there is any hope, you, as I said you need counseling and need to learn to communicate better. And you need to find a way to compromise. Either you drive separately or one of you commits to compromising on when to leave. Or perhaps you both compromise one when to leave and pick sometime in the middle that you can both agree on, but you should agree to it before you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is this expected? Once a year? Every weekend?

How you deal with it depends on the expectation. You are part of that family so there needs to be give and take. Once a year you suck it up and plan in advance for the inevitable. Every weekend you set limits. Separate cars is a great idea. Just because your husband got married doesn’t mean that he has to leave his family of origin.

Nobody, not even OP has said her husband can't see his family. He does however have to prioritize the need his wife and treat her with respect. He was with his family for 6 hours today leaving at 8 pm is more than reasonable especially when you have work the next say. Speaking to his wife the way he did is completely unacceptable.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

This is probably the worst piece of advice ever given on DCUM. He's not a father. And even if he was that's not a reason to not leave his mother's house at a reasonable time after spending 6 hours with them because his mother might get upsets. It's not a reason for him to be verbally abusive to his wife. ANd most importantly wives do not just have to sit around and do whatever their husbands tell them because their husbands don't want to make mommy mad.

Yes they do. If they want to stay married. And husbands have to do the same. You do not get to do what you want once you are married, frankly even dating, when it comes to people's parents. You have to suck it up and deal secure in the knowledge that your inlaws will be dead soon enough.

Marriage comes 1st. What God joins, let no one separate. Spouse comes before parents. Unless they are paying your bills

You marry the family too. Don't think otherwise. If you hate them before you will hate they worse later.

You do marry the family, but each spouse is responsible for setting boundaries with their family so the marriage can flourish, not still catering to mom and dad like children above needs of spouse. Though in this case it sounds like there's toxic/dysfunctional family dynamic at play mixed in with alcoholism, which makes things harder. IT also seems like OP's husband does not acknowledge there's an issue, without that acknowledgment there's no hope.

[Anonymous]

Husband should work with wife as partnership, come to mutually agreeable time to leave. Not freaking pit the wife against SIL and MIL. Dude is nuts. He is jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is this expected? Once a year? Every weekend?

How you deal with it depends on the expectation. You are part of that family so there needs to be give and take. Once a year you suck it up and plan in advance for the inevitable. Every weekend you set limits. Separate cars is a great idea. Just because your husband got married doesn’t mean that he has to leave his family of origin.

Nobody, not even OP has said her husband can't see his family. He does however have to prioritize the need his wife and treat her with respect. He was with his family for 6 hours today leaving at 8 pm is more than reasonable especially when you have work the next say. Speaking to his wife the way he did is completely unacceptable.

If they are going to make their relationship work, both sides need to be considered. For so e families six hours isn’t enough. That’s why frequency matters.

[Anonymous]

DH and I huddle before EVERY move we make with family. We agree about all of it ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often is this expected? Once a year? Every weekend?

How you deal with it depends on the expectation. You are part of that family so there needs to be give and take. Once a year you suck it up and plan in advance for the inevitable. Every weekend you set limits. Separate cars is a great idea. Just because your husband got married doesn’t mean that he has to leave his family of origin.

To me this is the key. Is this every week -- then no way. Is this just once and a while and if so, some compromise by both is needed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

This is probably the worst piece of advice ever given on DCUM. He's not a father. And even if he was that's not a reason to not leave his mother's house at a reasonable time after spending 6 hours with them because his mother might get upsets. It's not a reason for him to be verbally abusive to his wife. ANd most importantly wives do not just have to sit around and do whatever their husbands tell them because their husbands don't want to make mommy mad.

Yes they do. If they want to stay married. And husbands have to do the same. You do not get to do what you want once you are married, frankly even dating, when it comes to people's parents. You have to suck it up and deal secure in the knowledge that your inlaws will be dead soon enough.

Marriage comes 1st. What God joins, let no one separate. Spouse comes before parents. Unless they are paying your bills

You marry the family too. Don't think otherwise. If you hate them before you will hate they worse later.

I didn't. It's called boundaries. I married DH. Sure, I regularly interact with in laws. I knew in laws before my DH. But, we need to protect our marriage first. When you have this attitude, that is when things work better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

This is probably the worst piece of advice ever given on DCUM. He's not a father. And even if he was that's not a reason to not leave his mother's house at a reasonable time after spending 6 hours with them because his mother might get upsets. It's not a reason for him to be verbally abusive to his wife. ANd most importantly wives do not just have to sit around and do whatever their husbands tell them because their husbands don't want to make mommy mad.

Yes they do. If they want to stay married. And husbands have to do the same. You do not get to do what you want once you are married, frankly even dating, when it comes to people's parents. You have to suck it up and deal secure in the knowledge that your inlaws will be dead soon enough.

Marriage comes 1st. What God joins, let no one separate. Spouse comes before parents. Unless they are paying your bills

You marry the family too. Don't think otherwise. If you hate them before you will hate they worse later.

I didn't. It's called boundaries. I married DH. Sure, I regularly interact with in laws. I knew in laws before my DH. But, we need to protect our marriage first. When you have this attitude, that is when things work better.

What does this mean?