Not sure how to handle ghosting au pair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

NP - you have to stop using the AP for child care. Period. It's not allowed & you are taking advantage of her. Get your own au pair and send them out to take care of the kids together.

Op here - honest question. We’re in an apartment an au pair is out of the question. Younger child is in preschool and older child is doing a mix this summer of camps and unscheduled time. So, if the au pair were to say “can Larla come over from 1-4 today?” Then what? I only say yes if I can go to? (Under that circumstance the answer would often be no.)

If she asks your DD, it’s fine to let her go. But stop using her for your childcare needs. Are you clueless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

It's completely different with au pairs - the visa restricts them from taking care of other kids. Speak of what you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

The problem is it's illegal.

[Anonymous]

Where is your friend in all of this? Why aren’t you communicating with her about play dates and activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not fair for your kid to walk over there if you don’t reciprocate. If you know your DD was there last you need to tell DD that the next time the friend comes to you. It’s abusing the situation.

Yup-and your husband sounds just as bad. The kids would be walking to school and your husband would ask the au pair if she “needed him”? No, she doesn’t need him but it’s also not her job to walk your kid to school.

Yes, your husband asked someone else’s au pair to walk his kid to school! You are both free loaders!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

NP - you have to stop using the AP for child care. Period. It's not allowed & you are taking advantage of her. Get your own au pair and send them out to take care of the kids together.

Op here - honest question. We’re in an apartment an au pair is out of the question. Younger child is in preschool and older child is doing a mix this summer of camps and unscheduled time. So, if the au pair were to say “can Larla come over from 1-4 today?” Then what? I only say yes if I can go to? (Under that circumstance the answer would often be no.)

Yes, you should say, "no because I understand it's prohibited by your program."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

NP - you have to stop using the AP for child care. Period. It's not allowed & you are taking advantage of her. Get your own au pair and send them out to take care of the kids together.

Op here - honest question. We’re in an apartment an au pair is out of the question. Younger child is in preschool and older child is doing a mix this summer of camps and unscheduled time. So, if the au pair were to say “can Larla come over from 1-4 today?” Then what? I only say yes if I can go to? (Under that circumstance the answer would often be no.)

If she asks your DD, it’s fine to let her go. But stop using her for your childcare needs. Are you clueless?

Yup. The issue seems to be that the OP is working from home full time yet doesn't seem to have adequate child care in place. If she did, she'd be able to reciprocate the au pair's generosity and take the other kid to her house sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

The problem is it's illegal.

Not only that, but it's the au pair that would get in trouble and be deported if caught. The OP would not get get in trouble.

[Anonymous]

If the su pair asks if your DD can come over, you respond with:

Larla can come but I wouldn’t be able to stay with her the whole time. Does that work? I would be available from 5-6 if that works better. Thank you so much for thinking of us!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

Okay everyone here sounds nuts. Stop using her for childcare, don't hang out with the aupair. This is all so so weird. If i was her I'd try to get a new placement to get away from this wacky situation

DOS here. I would *never* pay someone else's au pair for work. It's against the program rules, and could get their J1 visa revoked. Why would you put everyone in that situation? You need to start thinking differently about this au pair. She is *not* a free agent nanny/babysitter. You can't pay her (would you want to put her in a position to have her J1 visa revoked?) And you also can't put her in a position where she is working. You should have joint play dates (both adults present), or an equitable play date relationship (which is barter, essentially - as long as both sides are amenable), or nothing.

Au pairs are vulnerable to exploitation when the system doesn't work as it should. Do some research on the au pair program so that you can re-set your expectations.

DH dumping Larla on the au pair during the am school walk *is* childcare IMO, unless your DH paid the au pair back by taking the both kids a different day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

NP - you have to stop using the AP for child care. Period. It's not allowed & you are taking advantage of her. Get your own au pair and send them out to take care of the kids together.

Op here - honest question. We’re in an apartment an au pair is out of the question. Younger child is in preschool and older child is doing a mix this summer of camps and unscheduled time. So, if the au pair were to say “can Larla come over from 1-4 today?” Then what? I only say yes if I can go to? (Under that circumstance the answer would often be no.)

You make sure the au pair knows that Larla will be coming over solo and confirm that's okay. Then you reciprocate and have a playdate later with Larla and friend. Just like you would with another parent. Keep it even-ish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

It's completely different with au pairs - the visa restricts them from taking care of other kids. Speak of what you know.

There's nothing in the visa or rules that prohibits drop off playdates. The au pair can't work for more pay or be asked to watch other kids. The au pair can certainly choose to have another kid over to play while she's on duty as long as it's her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

It's completely different with au pairs - the visa restricts them from taking care of other kids. Speak of what you know.

There's nothing in the visa or rules that prohibits drop off playdates. The au pair can't work for more pay or be asked to watch other kids. The au pair can certainly choose to have another kid over to play while she's on duty as long as it's her choice.

If the child is legally too young to be in the home unsupervised, the au pair is doing childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure this is the troll who posts semi outrageous posts and then just argues with everyone that she's not in the wrong. Her MO is pretty easy to spot.

I'm starting to think troll too. There's some sockpuppeting going on between the OP and some of these responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

It's completely different with au pairs - the visa restricts them from taking care of other kids. Speak of what you know.

There's nothing in the visa or rules that prohibits drop off playdates. The au pair can't work for more pay or be asked to watch other kids. The au pair can certainly choose to have another kid over to play while she's on duty as long as it's her choice.

What is a drop off play date then? The AP is watching "other kids."