Not sure how to handle ghosting au pair

[Anonymous]

I have an au pair - my child's best friend does not and their family has leaned on us for childcare on occassion. My au pair does not particularly enjoy watching this other child though she is willing to do so because the kids are friends and she cares about my kids.

I am also friends with the mother of my child's friend. Everything goes through me, not my au pair. It is really hard for a young, foreign student to say "no" when someone asks a "favor."

OP, you definitely need to work this out with your friend, apologize to the au pair and make sure to leave her out of further childcare arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a crush on her?

What do you think will happen at the meeting?

[Anonymous]

I'd ghost you too OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think it got lost in my original post that she asked me to meet with her.

She then wrote last week that she “looks forward to talking”. Did she just feel she had to say that?

I don’t usually ask her to watch my kids (this one day was a favor and I’d hoped she knew was free to say no). The challenge I’m having (compared to past au pairs) is our kids (9) tend to walk to each other’s houses / have play dates. The last au pair liked having my DD over and thought it made it easier. This one I think does not and I hadn’t realized that. So she’d go over a lot and I didn’t know it was a problem.

I’ll back off / stay silent for now. I’m just very confused since she raised having a meeting and followed up initially and since has dropped it. It’s hard...we were both at school pickup yesterday and I got my kid and she got hers and my DD was wondering why we didn’t walk together / say hi etc.

You CAN walk together and say hi. Just say, hi, Alison, nice to see you. Sorry if I put you in a bad spot the other day. Does Franny want to come over this afternoon for ice cream?

[Anonymous]

Dude lady, why don't you talk to the other mom about your gaffe and apologize? Why are you harassing your friend's (the other mom) employee?

Boundaries, lady, boundaries....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think it got lost in my original post that she asked me to meet with her.

She then wrote last week that she “looks forward to talking”. Did she just feel she had to say that?

I don’t usually ask her to watch my kids (this one day was a favor and I’d hoped she knew was free to say no). The challenge I’m having (compared to past au pairs) is our kids (9) tend to walk to each other’s houses / have play dates. The last au pair liked having my DD over and thought it made it easier. This one I think does not and I hadn’t realized that. So she’d go over a lot and I didn’t know it was a problem.

I’ll back off / stay silent for now. I’m just very confused since she raised having a meeting and followed up initially and since has dropped it. It’s hard...we were both at school pickup yesterday and I got my kid and she got hers and my DD was wondering why we didn’t walk together / say hi etc.

You're wondering why she's not thrilled to continuously offer you free childcare? What the actual eff, OP? You absolutely should apologize for overstepping and leave the poor girl alone moving forward.

[Anonymous]

And stop letting your kid go over uninvited, for the love of all things! You sound completely clueless and like you're looking for free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think it got lost in my original post that she asked me to meet with her.

She then wrote last week that she “looks forward to talking”. Did she just feel she had to say that?

I don’t usually ask her to watch my kids (this one day was a favor and I’d hoped she knew was free to say no). The challenge I’m having (compared to past au pairs) is our kids (9) tend to walk to each other’s houses / have play dates. The last au pair liked having my DD over and thought it made it easier. This one I think does not and I hadn’t realized that. So she’d go over a lot and I didn’t know it was a problem.

I’ll back off / stay silent for now. I’m just very confused since she raised having a meeting and followed up initially and since has dropped it. It’s hard...we were both at school pickup yesterday and I got my kid and she got hers

and my DD was wondering why we didn’t walk together / say hi etc.

You can tell your DD that it is because her mom has lost her mind and all sense of boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Op again. I did meet with / apologize to my friend last weekend and asked her to layout anything I’d done that I might not be aware of. She said the au pair was pretty good at face to face communications and wanted to meet with me. So, yes, I think she seems to not want to meet but just feel confused. Like I said before, I’ll sit tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I did meet with / apologize to my friend last weekend and asked her to layout anything I’d done that I might not be aware of. She said the au pair was pretty good at face to face communications and wanted to meet with me. So, yes, I think she seems to not want to meet but just feel confused. Like I said before, I’ll sit tight.

Jesus, you are not in a marriage with these people. This level of drama is ridiculous for someone else's au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I did meet with / apologize to my friend last weekend and asked her to layout anything I’d done that I might not be aware of. She said the au pair was pretty good at face to face communications and wanted to meet with me. So, yes, I think she seems to not want to meet but just feel confused. Like I said before, I’ll sit tight.

It's even stranger that your friend would not intervene in some way. I'd just communicate through your friend. Walking with the au pair doesn't have to be awkward. If the kids want to have playdates for a while, just invite the other girl to your house.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, think about hiring a mediator to bring to the meeting. Also a translator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think it got lost in my original post that she asked me to meet with her.

She then wrote last week that she “looks forward to talking”. Did she just feel she had to say that?

I don’t usually ask her to watch my kids (this one day was a favor and I’d hoped she knew was free to say no). The challenge I’m having (compared to past au pairs) is our kids (9) tend to walk to each other’s houses / have play dates. The last au pair liked having my DD over and thought it made it easier. This one I think does not and I hadn’t realized that. So she’d go over a lot and I didn’t know it was a problem.

I’ll back off / stay silent for now. I’m just very confused since she raised having a meeting and followed up initially and since has dropped it. It’s hard...we were both at school pickup yesterday and I got my kid and she got hers

and my DD was wondering why we didn’t walk together / say hi etc.

You can tell your DD that it is because her mom has lost her mind and all sense of boundaries.

+1 This is a bit harsh but accurate OP. Why are you continuing to write someone who doesn't write you back? Go on care.com and get a sitter of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think it got lost in my original post that she asked me to meet with her.

She then wrote last week that she “looks forward to talking”. Did she just feel she had to say that?

I don’t usually ask her to watch my kids (this one day was a favor and I’d hoped she knew was free to say no). The challenge I’m having (compared to past au pairs) is our kids (9) tend to walk to each other’s houses / have play dates. The last au pair liked having my DD over and thought it made it easier. This one I think does not and I hadn’t realized that. So she’d go over a lot and I didn’t know it was a problem.

I’ll back off / stay silent for now. I’m just very confused since she raised having a meeting and followed up initially and since has dropped it. It’s hard...we were both at school pickup yesterday and I got my kid and she got hers and my DD was wondering why we didn’t walk together / say hi etc.

You're wondering why she's not thrilled to continuously offer you free childcare? What the actual eff, OP? You absolutely should apologize for overstepping and leave the poor girl alone moving forward.

+1 This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD’s best friend has an au pair. The mom in the family is a good friend of mine.

I made some missteps / did some things that annoyed the au pair. The au pair suggested we chat in person rather than via text and I think that’s a great idea.

The problem is I think maybe one of the things that upset her was when I asked for a favor and she didn’t respond I wrote a few days later and asked if she got my text. I then wrote a few days later and said “can you let me know if you see this? I’m trying to figure out our plans one way or another”. I gather the au pair was upset that I had pressured her to watch my DD that day (and my DH thinks I should have understood the lack of response to be a “no”). For me, if she’d just said “that won’t work” to begin with I would have figured something else out. Anyway, I made other missteps too so I see how they piled up. I don’t think any are terrible (similar to example I provided) but I understand why she’s grumpy with me.

The thing is, she proposed a time I had a meeting. I proposed a number of other times and she’s gone silent again. Most of the times I proposed would require me to move a meeting / have some heads-up. The one she said “maybe, we’ll see” is for today. So for now we’re just avoiding texting her, arranging play dates etc and that’s not really tenable. I really would like to see if we can clear the air at all. My husband thinks she tends to forget or not realize I have a job. She seems to not want to meet during free-time (understandable) or when she’s watching the kids, so I’m not sure what to do. Do I arrange for my husband to watch the kids so we can meet?

Pay your own $8,000 fee to an aupair agency and host your own au pair. Weirdo.
She's ghosting you because you are asking her to break her visa violations and she is too polite to call you on it.