Not sure how to handle ghosting au pair

[Anonymous]

OP, You need to get your own child care. It sounds like you’re working full time and taking care of three children. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a troll too and asked Jeff to check.

Uh huh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, You need to get your own child care. It sounds like you’re working full time and taking care of three children. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Op here. Probably true. Typically we’d have after care for the older child (and will again next fall) but it wasn’t offered this spring. And our daughter actually does fine reading or watching a show for the hour and a half from when we get her home to when I finish my work day. So, while it’s more fun for her to go to the park or play in her friend’s backyard or whatever, this week we’ve just had her home and that’s fine too. She has camps for the summer, but they all end at 3 (again no after care). I’d hoped she could have lots of afternoons with her friend like last summer, but obviously this au pair wants different things, and that’s fine too.

I’m not in DC so I think it’s okay to share that the other challenges were (1) our group didn’t allow anyone inside from the start of the pandemic to when all adults were fully vaccinated. Kids were all in zoom schools. Which means our apartment wasn’t option and (2) the children she watches are twins. My DD is friends with one and her brother usually has another friend at the same time. I thought to reciprocate she expected me to have both the twins. I have no idea while the girls play fairy garden or American dolls or whatever what he’d want to do and it’s easier to keep my DD away from her best friend during the week than to have to host both the twins. The au pair today said even just hosting the one would be helpful. All the other friends my DD plays with also have parents who work so typically a large neighborhood group goes to the park and we take turns watching them. I watched everyone (including twins) for 5 hours at the park this past weekend, but that’s not reciprocating doe the au pair.

[Anonymous]

Op again. That should say for the au pair.

And I have two kids (not three). One in middle elementary and one is now back in preschool (resumed about the same time school started back up for older DD).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You need to get your own child care. It sounds like you’re working full time and taking care of three children. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Op here. Probably true. Typically we’d have after care for the older child (and will again next fall) but it wasn’t offered this spring. And our daughter actually does fine reading or watching a show for the hour and a half from when we get her home to when I finish my work day. So, while it’s more fun for her to go to the park or play in her friend’s backyard or whatever, this week we’ve just had her home and that’s fine too. She has camps for the summer, but they all end at 3 (again no after care). I’d hoped she could have lots of afternoons with her friend like last summer, but obviously this au pair wants different things, and that’s fine too.

I’m not in DC so I think it’s okay to share that the other challenges were (1) our group didn’t allow anyone inside from the start of the pandemic to when all adults were fully vaccinated. Kids were all in zoom schools. Which means our apartment wasn’t option and (2) the children she watches are twins. My DD is friends with one and her brother usually has another friend at the same time. I thought to reciprocate she expected me to have both the twins. I have no idea while the girls play fairy garden or American dolls or whatever what he’d want to do and it’s easier to keep my DD away from her best friend during the week than to have to host both the twins. The au pair today said even just hosting the one would be helpful. All the other friends my DD plays with also have parents who work so typically a large neighborhood group goes to the park and we take turns watching them. I watched everyone (including twins) for 5 hours at the park this past weekend, but that’s not reciprocating doe the au pair.

Op, you remind me of the mother of a friend of my daughter who our nanny hates. Her daughter comes to our house a lot, and she never reciprocates to have my kid over because she's working from home (I've been working from home too due to COVID, but I have the nanny there, so the kids do play at our place). She lives very nearby and sends her kid over regularly uninvited, until I finally told her that she couldn't keep sending her kid over without checking with me or my nanny first. She has three kids and suboptimal childcare and is desperate to get them out of the house, and other moms in the neighborhoods are wary of her offers of play dates, because she will suggest one and once the mom says yes, she will suggest that her kids play at that mom's house. And furthermore, this kid is a bit of a brat (plays rough and makes a fuss about cleaning up after herself when asked), so it creates more work for my nanny having her there.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe all the people who are saying that au pairs should not be hosting play dates or can’t be asked to do so as part of their job. In what world is it okay to tell a 9 year old no play dates at their own house? At 9, they just run off to play and require almost no supervision if they have a friend over. I’ve had nannies for years and they all do this. A childcare provider that didn’t allow the child’s best friend to come over would be pretty worthless to me.
Yes, I agree OP should reciprocate, though, and it should be an even trade. People are so weird about stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You need to get your own child care. It sounds like you’re working full time and taking care of three children. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Op here. Probably true. Typically we’d have after care for the older child (and will again next fall) but it wasn’t offered this spring. And our daughter actually does fine reading or watching a show for the hour and a half from when we get her home to when I finish my work day. So, while it’s more fun for her to go to the park or play in her friend’s backyard or whatever, this week we’ve just had her home and that’s fine too. She has camps for the summer, but they all end at 3 (again no after care). I’d hoped she could have lots of afternoons with her friend like last summer, but obviously this au pair wants different things, and that’s fine too.

I’m not in DC so I think it’s okay to share that the other challenges were (1) our group didn’t allow anyone inside from the start of the pandemic to when all adults were fully vaccinated. Kids were all in zoom schools. Which means our apartment wasn’t option and (2) the children she watches are twins. My DD is friends with one and her brother usually has another friend at the same time. I thought to reciprocate she expected me to have both the twins. I have no idea while the girls play fairy garden or American dolls or whatever what he’d want to do and it’s easier to keep my DD away from her best friend during the week than to have to host both the twins. The au pair today said even just hosting the one would be helpful. All the other friends my DD plays with also have parents who work so typically a large neighborhood group goes to the park and we take turns watching them. I watched everyone (including twins) for 5 hours at the park this past weekend, but that’s not reciprocating doe the au pair.

I am just wondering but OP do you also have a nanny who was resentful because you asked them to help you move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

It's completely different with au pairs - the visa restricts them from taking care of other kids. Speak of what you know.

There's nothing in the visa or rules that prohibits drop off playdates. The au pair can't work for more pay or be asked to watch other kids. The au pair can certainly choose to have another kid over to play while she's on duty as long as it's her choice.

What is a drop off play date then? The AP is watching "other kids."

I highly doubt that the au pair program mandates that children in au pair-care never have playdates ever. If this is the policy, then the US Au Pair program should put this in their brochures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford it, think about hiring a mediator to bring to the meeting. Also a translator.

Wait... uh, wut? 🤔

You think the OP should pay for a mediator AND a translator to talk to the au pair?

It's clear that the OP doesn't want to spend the money to get her child her own au pair, but you want her to spend money on a mediator & translator?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

That's the difference -- you're a nanny & a helper, you are NOT an au pair.

There are very strict rules for au pairs and it's conditional on them being able to live and work in this country.

Watching other people's children's violates an au pairs J1 visa -- this is non-negotiable.
I imagine that OP doesn't really care if she gets this girl deported or not though...

So, you cannot compare this situation with yours as nanny.

[Anonymous]

Deport her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe all the people who are saying that au pairs should not be hosting play dates or can’t be asked to do so as part of their job. In what world is it okay to tell a 9 year old no play dates at their own house? At 9, they just run off to play and require almost no supervision if they have a friend over. I’ve had nannies for years and they all do this. A childcare provider that didn’t allow the child’s best friend to come over would be pretty worthless to me.
Yes, I agree OP should reciprocate, though, and it should be an even trade. People are so weird about stuff.

We have an au pair and host playdates all the time. When we, the parents, are on duty. You know, like every other parent.

[Anonymous]

Fortunately au pair is only for a year. Either pay her under the table or stop doing play dates. She’s not your employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford it, think about hiring a mediator to bring to the meeting. Also a translator.

Wait... uh, wut? 🤔

You think the OP should pay for a mediator AND a translator to talk to the au pair?

It's clear that the OP doesn't want to spend the money to get her child her own au pair, but you want her to spend money on a mediator & translator?

Look up the definition for sarcasm please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.

You're not here on a J1 visa.