Not sure how to handle ghosting au pair

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure this is the troll who posts semi outrageous posts and then just argues with everyone that she's not in the wrong. Her MO is pretty easy to spot.

[Anonymous]

Please leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I did meet with / apologize to my friend last weekend and asked her to layout anything I’d done that I might not be aware of. She said the au pair was pretty good at face to face communications and wanted to meet with me. So, yes, I think she seems to not want to meet but just feel confused. Like I said before, I’ll sit tight.

No, it sounds like your friend pressured her into meeting with you, and then flaked bc you're out of line.

[Anonymous]

I hope you plan to show up to this meeting with a check for all the uncompensated hours you made her work.

-mom with au pair

[Anonymous]

Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

Okay everyone here sounds nuts. Stop using her for childcare, don't hang out with the aupair. This is all so so weird. If i was her I'd try to get a new placement to get away from this wacky situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She. Doesn't. Want. To. Meet. With. You.

You. Are. Harassing. Her.

Stop.

NP here. The au pair was the one to propose the meeting, and OP's friend has since confirmed to OP that she wants to meet. For people speaking in their second language, in person is often better. I agree that OP has made multiple mistakes. I just don't get the same read on the situation as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

NP - you have to stop using the AP for child care. Period. It's not allowed & you are taking advantage of her. Get your own au pair and send them out to take care of the kids together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

Okay everyone here sounds nuts. Stop using her for childcare, don't hang out with the aupair. This is all so so weird. If i was her I'd try to get a new placement to get away from this wacky situation

No kidding. Imagine if OP was male. That would be branded as full-on harrassment.

[Anonymous]

It’s not fair for your kid to walk over there if you don’t reciprocate. If you know your DD was there last you need to tell DD that the next time the friend comes to you. It’s abusing the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

NP - you have to stop using the AP for child care. Period. It's not allowed & you are taking advantage of her. Get your own au pair and send them out to take care of the kids together.

Op here - honest question. We’re in an apartment an au pair is out of the question. Younger child is in preschool and older child is doing a mix this summer of camps and unscheduled time. So, if the au pair were to say “can Larla come over from 1-4 today?” Then what? I only say yes if I can go to? (Under that circumstance the answer would often be no.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not fair for your kid to walk over there if you don’t reciprocate. If you know your DD was there last you need to tell DD that the next time the friend comes to you. It’s abusing the situation.

Yup-and your husband sounds just as bad. The kids would be walking to school and your husband would ask the au pair if she “needed him”? No, she doesn’t need him but it’s also not her job to walk your kid to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She. Doesn't. Want. To. Meet. With. You.

You. Are. Harassing. Her.

Stop.

This! What is wrong with you Op? Does your friend know this is going on? You are waaaaaay out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So she wrote that today worked for her and I think the meeting went well. It was brief (15 mins), cleared the air, and I hope set clearer lines for the summer.

Looking back there were only 2 unpaid hours (four hours total, but two after I realized my mistake) since she arrived this spring that I’d specifically asked for childcare. The challenge I think is figuring out what is paid childcare and what isn’t. Like if they say “we’re going to the park, Suzie wants to know if Larla can join us” I don’t think I’d typically offer to pay. If they were all walking to school and ran into each other I think there were times my husband asked the au pair of she needed him and didn’t walk with them. If I asked her to walk with Larla that would be different to me (and is one of the unpaid hours I’m thinking of) but am counting those encounters in our overstep. I think the play dates are harder for me to figure out because if Larla went to a friend’s house for a play date or vice versa I wouldn’t think to pay or be paid, but get that the au pair is an employee.

Anyway, I apologized for making her uncomfortable and putting her in a bad situation, asked what her hope is for interactions going forward, and proposed that we leave it up to her to let me know if they want play dates or not. Shy of inviting “her” kids over or asking “what time should I pick up Larla?” I will not contact her and we’ll see if that feels better. I told her I hadn’t quite figured out best schedules yet but I’d also try to adjust my work schedule to have more time when I can watch everyone and give her more breaks. She said she’d really like to have more outings where it’s me and my kids and her and her kids where she feels like we’re being families together and not just her with no adults / not being appreciated.

NP - you have to stop using the AP for child care. Period. It's not allowed & you are taking advantage of her. Get your own au pair and send them out to take care of the kids together.

Op here - honest question. We’re in an apartment an au pair is out of the question. Younger child is in preschool and older child is doing a mix this summer of camps and unscheduled time. So, if the au pair were to say “can Larla come over from 1-4 today?” Then what? I only say yes if I can go to? (Under that circumstance the answer would often be no.)

APs really are not supposed to take care of other children outside of the host family - it violates the terms of their J1 visa. If you don't have space to host an au pair, hire a high school or college kid to watch your kids and coordinate play dates with the other kids/caretakers.

https://www.aupairinamerica.com/options/j1-visa/

[Anonymous]

Okay some of these comments towards the OP are pretty ridiculous.

OP, I'm a part-time nanny/helper for one family that turns into full-time child care during the Summers. This is my fifth Summer. I'm the point of contact for play dates for the two school aged children who love to hang out with their friends. I'm friendly with sah moms as well as the Summer sitters. Communication is key and even with a few 'missteps' that shouldn't be ignored. Also, I personally don't see the issue with asking for help here and there. Over the years, I've definitely checked with other family parents/nannies about the kids stopping by if I had an appointment or needed to ever leave early from work, and have absolutely reciprocated as well. Depending on how close the kids are, ages, location, stuff like this can be mutually beneficial.