How much does religion matter with regard to your kids’ future spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are jewish and I would feel like my children are disowning me if they did not marry within the religion. My son dated a non-jewish girl in high school and it took a lot of self control to not say anything to him about it. Nobody in my or my husband's extended family has ever married outside the religion. No reason to start now.

It's not your business or your call.

Jew here. Your "children" have the right as adults to choose whoever they want as a partner. Stay out of their bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are jewish and I would feel like my children are disowning me if they did not marry within the religion. My son dated a non-jewish girl in high school and it took a lot of self control to not say anything to him about it. Nobody in my or my husband's extended family has ever married outside the religion. No reason to start now.

Well, I mean, presumably your child falling in love with someone outside of the faith would be a reason to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are jewish and I would feel like my children are disowning me if they did not marry within the religion. My son dated a non-jewish girl in high school and it took a lot of self control to not say anything to him about it. Nobody in my or my husband's extended family has ever married outside the religion. No reason to start now.

Time to start mulling that possibility. I can rattle off at least 10 marriages I know well where one side was Jewish and the other was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I care a lot about the spouse's and grandchildren's religion, but my kids will be the ones picking their spouses based on what matters to them and will also be the ones raising their children.

By the time someone is old enough to be selecting a spouse, they are their own person with their own priorities and hassling them won't be productive. I just hope that my kids' experience growing up in our religion and community will be sufficiently warm, positive, fulfilling, and meaningful to make them want to replicate it for their own children.

Jewish.

Same. My job is to raise them with my values and try to make them attractive. Their job is to figure out how they want to live their lives. The time for influencing them on this is while they are children, so we make Judaism a big and hopefully happy part of their lives.

So it is not so much whether or not your child married someone religious, but whether or not they have the same ethnicity

Absolutely not. If the spouse's maternal grandmother is Jewish and the spouse himself or herself is practicing, that's 100% Jewish in every way to me regardless of what their ethnicity is. Same with converts, although if she's going to be the mother, then there are issues in terms of how the conversion was done and therefore who will consider the grandchildren Jewish. But like I said, they're going to be adults at this point and my preferences are irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I care a lot about the spouse's and grandchildren's religion, but my kids will be the ones picking their spouses based on what matters to them and will also be the ones raising their children.

By the time someone is old enough to be selecting a spouse, they are their own person with their own priorities and hassling them won't be productive. I just hope that my kids' experience growing up in our religion and community will be sufficiently warm, positive, fulfilling, and meaningful to make them want to replicate it for their own children.

Jewish.

Same. My job is to raise them with my values and try to make them attractive. Their job is to figure out how they want to live their lives. The time for influencing them on this is while they are children, so we make Judaism a big and hopefully happy part of their lives.

So it is not so much whether or not your child married someone religious, but whether or not they have the same ethnicity

Absolutely not. If the spouse's maternal grandmother is Jewish and the spouse himself or herself is practicing, that's 100% Jewish in every way to me regardless of what their ethnicity is. Same with converts, although if she's going to be the mother, then there are issues in terms of how the conversion was done and therefore who will consider the grandchildren Jewish. But like I said, they're going to be adults at this point and my preferences are irrelevant.

Can you clarify
If mother converted then you would need to know how in order for you to consider your grandchildren Jewish
Or are you worried her family would not take that seriously
Or is it a worry about whether or not the kids would be seen as full members by the Jewish community?

My question was if the mother was from a non practicing Jewish background but not religious or interested in giving her kids a religious home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I care a lot about the spouse's and grandchildren's religion, but my kids will be the ones picking their spouses based on what matters to them and will also be the ones raising their children.

By the time someone is old enough to be selecting a spouse, they are their own person with their own priorities and hassling them won't be productive. I just hope that my kids' experience growing up in our religion and community will be sufficiently warm, positive, fulfilling, and meaningful to make them want to replicate it for their own children.

Jewish.

Same. My job is to raise them with my values and try to make them attractive. Their job is to figure out how they want to live their lives. The time for influencing them on this is while they are children, so we make Judaism a big and hopefully happy part of their lives.

So it is not so much whether or not your child married someone religious, but whether or not they have the same ethnicity

Absolutely not. If the spouse's maternal grandmother is Jewish and the spouse himself or herself is practicing, that's 100% Jewish in every way to me regardless of what their ethnicity is. Same with converts, although if she's going to be the mother, then there are issues in terms of how the conversion was done and therefore who will consider the grandchildren Jewish. But like I said, they're going to be adults at this point and my preferences are irrelevant.

Can you clarify
If mother converted then you would need to know how in order for you to consider your grandchildren Jewish
Or are you worried her family would not take that seriously
Or is it a worry about whether or not the kids would be seen as full members by the Jewish community?

My question was if the mother was from a non practicing Jewish background but not religious or interested in giving her kids a religious home

I mostly just don't think this is my business. But the things I'd be interested it would be both whether the community would see the kids as full members and whether they're raising the kids religiously. I would see the grandkids as Jewish enough for anything that might affect me regardless of whether their mother converted or how. We include kids whose father is Jewish but mother isn't in our holidays if the families are interested - I'm not policing anyone's Judaism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will only matter if they are extremely "religious" and associated with an organization/theology that does not support women or LGBTQ+. Otherwise, we believe all religions have the same purpose and are very open minded.

Pretty much this. Extremists of any stripe would be a disaster. Pragmatic down to earth future DIL (or SIL as the case may be) would be fantastic.

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids to stay away from people who want to change you.
That includes most cults, potential spouse with a religion and anyone who could be a domineering prick

[Anonymous]

I have been Catholic for around 1,700 years so be pissed if it ended

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been Catholic for around 1,700 years so be pissed if it ended

Perhaps your child will decide to not have children

[Anonymous]

At long as they don’t marry someone overly religious who tried to convert them, I wouldn’t care at all what religion their spouse was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At long as they don’t marry someone overly religious who tried to convert them, I wouldn’t care at all what religion their spouse was.

And what about the grandchildren?

Would you view it as them trying to force a different religion on your son/daughter’s children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At long as they don’t marry someone overly religious who tried to convert them, I wouldn’t care at all what religion their spouse was.

And what about the grandchildren?

Would you view it as them trying to force a different religion on your son/daughter’s children?

Can they not decide for themselves? Isn't that the outcome in the end anyway?

How could a grandparent be so controlling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I care because it's a cultural thing, mostly, but I won't say a word, and I'd treat any spouse they chose with the same love. Their life, their choice, and our relationship is the priority. (Jewish, fwiw.)

Same here. Especially since my ILs did not treat me with love and respect in the beginning due to religious issues. I've been there and will NEVER do that to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. And we are regular churchgoers. What matters to me is kindness, generosity, honesty and that they're always in each other's corner.

So it won't bother you if they won't go to church with you? If they don't celebrate Christmas? If they ask that you NOT send christmas gifts?

Nope. BTW, Jesus preached love, not frenetic gift buying.