How much does religion matter with regard to your kids’ future spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my children are gay, so religion doesn't really matter to me. I imagine they won't be marrying (if they choose to do so) someone religious.

-raised Catholic, now agnostic

Odd assumption. I know a lot of religious gay people.

Some of the most religious people I know are gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lose some respect for any "believer" I know. More so, for fundamental types.

For my kids' spouses:
religion-lite - tolerable
religion strong - questionable
religious nutter - no fcking way

I feel sorry for people who have parents that think that they have any say about the person whom their child will be in a relationship with and marry. It’s selfish and entitled for parents to think that they have any say about whom their child loves, because they don’t have that right. As long as they love each other and care about each other, it’s none of the parents business.

It's usually the religious parents who have strong opinions and preferences about their kids partner's religion, not the other way around.

The extremely religious people and the anti-theist people are very much alike, apparently, when it comes to certain issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my children are gay, so religion doesn't really matter to me. I imagine they won't be marrying (if they choose to do so) someone religious.

-raised Catholic, now agnostic

Odd assumption. I know a lot of religious gay people.

Some of the most religious people I know are gay.

+1. At work and at church, I know some very religious gay men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. And we are regular churchgoers. What matters to me is kindness, generosity, honesty and that they're always in each other's corner.

So it won't bother you if they won't go to church with you? If they don't celebrate Christmas? If they ask that you NOT send christmas gifts?

Nope. BTW, Jesus preached love, not frenetic gift buying.

My kids would never ask someone not to send gifts
What religion is against that?

But can you imagine that your child's spouse might not celebrate Christmas? Surely, that's not beyond the pale.

Everything about Christmas except the nativity story is pagan - the tree, the gifts, the lights, the food, the music, the yule, ...... I'm a Christian so we celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I understand that all of the things surrounding the holiday have pagan roots. You certainly don't need to identify as a Christian to celebrate what is now called "Christmas".

Washington Irving and Charles Dickens are the fathers of our modern Christmas traditions.

Regardless
Even if spouse doesn't celebrate Christmas, there is no rule against receiving gifts from a grandparent
Remember the rule honor your mother and your father?
Are you insinuating that it is only proper to honor them if your spouse agrees!

Dude, if you think that applying "honor your mother and father" to purchasing Christmas presents is the hill you want to die on, be my guest. As for me, if my adult son or daughter tells me that they would prefer that we not give presents at Christmas, I'm totally ok with that because 1) there are many other potential gift-giving occasions; and 2) I want to actually enjoy and get to know my grandchildren and that depends on their parents' being on board.

Number 2 sounds like blackmail
Number 1 sounds like you are justifying yourself

All in all, situation sounds toxic. Rather you than me

Actually, toxic is when you insist on celebrating the birth of Jesus, who preached love and tolerance, by giving unwanted gifts and undermining your adult children's independence.

Changing your religion does not give you the right to impose on your parents like that. You do not have a right to dictate their lives just because you changed yours
Teach children to say thank you, be tolerant
There is something wrong with the dynamic you are describing

You seem to be under a misimpression here -- I'm not the parent of young children. Rather, I'm the parent of three adult children, one of whom is engaged and one in a serious relationship that will likely lead to marriage. I wouldn't dream of imposing my preferences or judgments about my grandchildren's religious upbringing. Nor would I choose to interpret my adult children's request that I respect their views on parenting as "dictating" my life. Frankly, that seems to be a bizarrely narcissistic way of interpreting the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lose some respect for any "believer" I know. More so, for fundamental types.

For my kids' spouses:
religion-lite - tolerable
religion strong - questionable
religious nutter - no fcking way

I feel sorry for people who have parents that think that they have any say about the person whom their child will be in a relationship with and marry. It’s selfish and entitled for parents to think that they have any say about whom their child loves, because they don’t have that right. As long as they love each other and care about each other, it’s none of the parents business.

I never said I “have a say”.

Just giving my opinion. Some people just don’t want to hang out with brainwashed folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lose some respect for any "believer" I know. More so, for fundamental types.

For my kids' spouses:
religion-lite - tolerable
religion strong - questionable
religious nutter - no fcking way

I feel sorry for people who have parents that think that they have any say about the person whom their child will be in a relationship with and marry. It’s selfish and entitled for parents to think that they have any say about whom their child loves, because they don’t have that right. As long as they love each other and care about each other, it’s none of the parents business.

I never said I “have a say”.

Just giving my opinion. Some people just don’t want to hang out with brainwashed folks.

Most people will suck it up for the sake of grandchildren when the brainwashed folks in question are their child and their child's spouse, and will do what they need to do to hang out and maintain the relationships. But if you don't want to, you certainly don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All faiths have a fundamentalist sect and have a spectrum from that to liberalism. I am not concerned with the specific religion, but I would be troubled by my child becoming a fundamentalist in any faith. I would think that would happen before they married anyone fundamentalist.

Not necessarily. I know a number of people who moved rightward religiously for the sake of the relationship with their eventual spouse or for whom the relationship was the initial catalyst for moving rightward, even if the move was ultimately sincere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lose some respect for any "believer" I know. More so, for fundamental types.

For my kids' spouses:
religion-lite - tolerable
religion strong - questionable
religious nutter - no fcking way

I feel sorry for people who have parents that think that they have any say about the person whom their child will be in a relationship with and marry. It’s selfish and entitled for parents to think that they have any say about whom their child loves, because they don’t have that right. As long as they love each other and care about each other, it’s none of the parents business.

I never said I “have a say”.

Just giving my opinion. Some people just don’t want to hang out with brainwashed folks.

Why so unnecessarily rude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lose some respect for any "believer" I know. More so, for fundamental types.

For my kids' spouses:
religion-lite - tolerable
religion strong - questionable
religious nutter - no fcking way

I feel sorry for people who have parents that think that they have any say about the person whom their child will be in a relationship with and marry. It’s selfish and entitled for parents to think that they have any say about whom their child loves, because they don’t have that right. As long as they love each other and care about each other, it’s none of the parents business.

I never said I “have a say”.

Just giving my opinion. Some people just don’t want to hang out with brainwashed folks.

Why so unnecessarily rude?

+1

Very unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. And we are regular churchgoers. What matters to me is kindness, generosity, honesty and that they're always in each other's corner.

So it won't bother you if they won't go to church with you? If they don't celebrate Christmas? If they ask that you NOT send christmas gifts?

Nope. BTW, Jesus preached love, not frenetic gift buying.

My kids would never ask someone not to send gifts
What religion is against that?

But can you imagine that your child's spouse might not celebrate Christmas? Surely, that's not beyond the pale.

Everything about Christmas except the nativity story is pagan - the tree, the gifts, the lights, the food, the music, the yule, ...... I'm a Christian so we celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I understand that all of the things surrounding the holiday have pagan roots. You certainly don't need to identify as a Christian to celebrate what is now called "Christmas".

Washington Irving and Charles Dickens are the fathers of our modern Christmas traditions.

Regardless
Even if spouse doesn't celebrate Christmas, there is no rule against receiving gifts from a grandparent
Remember the rule honor your mother and your father?
Are you insinuating that it is only proper to honor them if your spouse agrees!

Dude, if you think that applying "honor your mother and father" to purchasing Christmas presents is the hill you want to die on, be my guest. As for me, if my adult son or daughter tells me that they would prefer that we not give presents at Christmas, I'm totally ok with that because 1) there are many other potential gift-giving occasions; and 2) I want to actually enjoy and get to know my grandchildren and that depends on their parents' being on board.

Number 2 sounds like blackmail
Number 1 sounds like you are justifying yourself

All in all, situation sounds toxic. Rather you than me

Actually, toxic is when you insist on celebrating the birth of Jesus, who preached love and tolerance, by giving unwanted gifts and undermining your adult children's independence.

Changing your religion does not give you the right to impose on your parents like that. You do not have a right to dictate their lives just because you changed yours
Teach children to say thank you, be tolerant
There is something wrong with the dynamic you are describing

You seem to be under a misimpression here -- I'm not the parent of young children. Rather, I'm the parent of three adult children, one of whom is engaged and one in a serious relationship that will likely lead to marriage. I wouldn't dream of imposing my preferences or judgments about my grandchildren's religious upbringing. Nor would I choose to interpret my adult children's request that I respect their views on parenting as "dictating" my life. Frankly, that seems to be a bizarrely narcissistic way of interpreting the world.

In an ideal world, you wouldn't need to worry about whether or not your imaginary grandchild received a gift or not.
Perhaps people should rather stay engagement instead of marry, or even better; not have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lose some respect for any "believer" I know. More so, for fundamental types.

For my kids' spouses:
religion-lite - tolerable
religion strong - questionable
religious nutter - no fcking way

I feel sorry for people who have parents that think that they have any say about the person whom their child will be in a relationship with and marry. It’s selfish and entitled for parents to think that they have any say about whom their child loves, because they don’t have that right. As long as they love each other and care about each other, it’s none of the parents business.

I never said I “have a say”.

Just giving my opinion. Some people just don’t want to hang out with brainwashed folks.

So you would cut off contact with your adult child if they married the person they loved, because the person they loved didn’t think like you? That’s a terrible thing to do to your child. My aunt and uncle are extremely religious, fundamentalist. Southern Baptist from birth. Their son is gay. When he came out and brought his partner into their lives, they accepted it. My aunt did attend therapy, as she felt she did something “wrong” as a parent, but the therapist worked with her to make her understand things in a different light. It was immensely helpful. They are a loving family and continue to accept and love their son and his partners. I just can’t see not having a relationship with one of my kids because they fell in love with their life partner and were happy.

[Anonymous]

I don’t care whatsoever. As long as they are moderate.