Now that we know it wasn’t almost heaven :(

[Anonymous]

I hope fiancé reads this and runs. I CANNOT believe how intrusive and overbearing you are. It is none of your damn business. Especially as a Stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

OP, assuming all you have the facts right, which is on its own a huge assumption that I'm not sure you can make, what you know boils down to this: your future stepdaughter grew up with bad racism, so bad that it forced the family to move. She has internalized it less as racism and more as classism. Maybe she's right, maybe she's half-right (it was both race and class), maybe she's wrong. But that's how she interprets it now, years later. And you want her to view it differently....why?

And by the way, how do you know exactly what she "never mentioned" to her soon to be husband? How can you be confident that stepson is telling you every little detail here?

Can you imagine if this were about some kind of other trauma like a sexual assault? If she said that she had been physically assaulted, but you found out there was a sexual component that she is repressing in order to not relive the trauma, would you be "questioning her ability to be honest" and demanding that she tell you all the gory details?

I mean, seriously, this poor girl who lived a tough upbringing is about to be part of your family, how about you just support and love her before you go around policing whether or not she's given you enough details.

This is exactly why I’m concerned. I am a survivor of almost a decade of childhood sexual abuse by a family member. I know that secrets make you sick. I don’t love her any less, but I’m not sure that I can ever again take at face value her statements that everything is okay. By her profession, she had a rougher 2020 than most of us and has always said it wasn’t so bad, mostly complained about her commute.

So you’re projecting your issues on her.

Maybe everything is ok? Maybe she’s a strong, optimistic woman who has survived and thrived despite her misfortunes, and doesn’t want to over share with someone she doesn’t know that well?

FWIW, I have experienced tragedy in my life, and the last thing I would do is dump it all out so my prospective MIL can analyze whether I’m being appropriately “honest” about it. It’s none of her (or your) business. I have learned that there are people out there who get off on other people’s tragedy, and it’s really not my responsibility to feed their perversions.

[Anonymous]

Door A

OP is obviously a troll and having a fabulous time at our expense.

Door B

Premarital counseling will happen and the poor young woman in question will get a good look at the realities she's facing and run far, far away from her fiance and his awful mother.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just wow. This is SO none of your business. The only response you, your DH and everyone else should give him is that if he has any questions or doubts, he needs to speak to his fiancee or with a relationship counselor.

I'm a survivor of extreme childhood trauma (my ACE score is 8). It has had lifelong impacts but it's no one's business but mine, my DH and our counselor. Had my DH involved his family, sought out my family like your SS has done, I would have dropped him. Butt the f@ck out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepson is marrying a lovely young woman. We are AA/mixed AA. His fiancée is mixed AA raised by her White mom in various WV (mostly), Ohio, and Western PA small towns. Mom had a decent pink-collar profession and I’ve gotten the sense that while money was tight, there was not poverty despite the one income. And SDTB has often talked about the economic gulf between her family and that of classmates as the main source of mistreatment in the community growing up. However, stepson recently told DH and I that his fiancée’s BFF told him that there was almost constant very overt racism towards the family in HS and that’s why his fiancée was allowed to graduate a year early. We’ve always wondered about that as she graduated and then took a gap year without anything to show for it or a health issue. Stepson asked her mom and Mom confirmed that the atmosphere in HS was so bad that the counselors allowed her to double up on some classes so she could finish in three years. She also said that at least two of their moves were to escape threats of violence from racist neighbors or schoolmate’s parents. Mom feels her daughter wants to pretend everything was jealousy over the family’s slightly better economic status and she’s nervous to contradict that narrative. Stepson is unsure how to proceed and so are we. I think he should bring it up in their premarital counseling sessions, but DH thinks there’s likely a fragility there best untested.

[Anonymous]

(a) MYOB
(b) Racism exists anywhere, no need to dump on West Virginia just because your future step-daughter-in-law experienced it there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is NOT something you need to do anything about, so proceed by not talking about it with her (or others).

Sorry she isn't indulging your poverty porn wishes.

+1

[Anonymous]

What a step-MIL you will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this whole thread bizarre. In a world of everyone trying to be woke and sensitive to issues people face and have faced, this woman is trying to do the best she can to respond helpfully. And DCUM comes down on her way too harshly.

Agreed, it is none of her business, but DSS has asked and she's trying to be helpful. She's the one who wants them to get counseling. And they should.

I think the only weird part of this is that a BFF told fiancé that fiancee's life in HS was terrible and the mom talked about it too. THAT is overstepping. A SM trying to help, as long as she is not pushing some sort of agenda, is what most any mother would do.

smh

I agree. If the stepson asked for advice, it's reasonable for OP to want to be helpful. And there seem to be reasons to be concerned. That said, the only thing OP can do is give advice. It's between her stepson and his fiancee to figure this out.

It might be that the BFF didn't realize that Fiancee hadn't told Stepson the truth about her childhood. She might have just been reminiscing, or talking about it in some other context, and not realized that it was a secret. We really can't say based on the limited information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

OP, assuming all you have the facts right, which is on its own a huge assumption that I'm not sure you can make, what you know boils down to this: your future stepdaughter grew up with bad racism, so bad that it forced the family to move. She has internalized it less as racism and more as classism. Maybe she's right, maybe she's half-right (it was both race and class), maybe she's wrong. But that's how she interprets it now, years later. And you want her to view it differently....why?

And by the way, how do you know exactly what she "never mentioned" to her soon to be husband? How can you be confident that stepson is telling you every little detail here?

Can you imagine if this were about some kind of other trauma like a sexual assault? If she said that she had been physically assaulted, but you found out there was a sexual component that she is repressing in order to not relive the trauma, would you be "questioning her ability to be honest" and demanding that she tell you all the gory details?

I mean, seriously, this poor girl who lived a tough upbringing is about to be part of your family, how about you just support and love her before you go around policing whether or not she's given you enough details.

This is exactly why I’m concerned. I am a survivor of almost a decade of childhood sexual abuse by a family member. I know that secrets make you sick. I don’t love her any less, but I’m not sure that I can ever again take at face value her statements that everything is okay. By her profession, she had a rougher 2020 than most of us and has always said it wasn’t so bad, mostly complained about her commute.

So you’re projecting your issues on her.

Maybe everything is ok? Maybe she’s a strong, optimistic woman who has survived and thrived despite her misfortunes, and doesn’t want to over share with someone she doesn’t know that well?

FWIW, I have experienced tragedy in my life, and the last thing I would do is dump it all out so my prospective MIL can analyze whether I’m being appropriately “honest” about it. It’s none of her (or your) business. I have learned that there are people out there who get off on other people’s tragedy, and it’s really not my responsibility to feed their perversions.

Like her fiance?

That said, OP is really getting overinvolved -- she cant' take her statements that everything is okay at face value ever again? What does that even mean? So when Fiancee says everything is okay, OP is going to challenge her? There's nothing you can do unless she actually wants to talk to you or ask for help. If not, it doesn't matter what you think.

[Anonymous]

If she's really young (like early 20s), she may not realize how bad it really was. Sometimes that realization comes when you are older, have your own children, and (like a pp said) start making choices based on your experiences. Also, some people are not super expressive, OR they don't really internalize stuff. Stuff rolls off me like water off of a duck's back. That characteristic of mine REALLY bothers some people.

But, I say all that to say - butt out. Saying that now you can't take this girl at face value is crazy. YOU don't need to know how she feels about, say 99.99% of anything. If your DSS is concerned, he can communicate with her like an adult. If he cannot do that, he isn't ready to get married.

[Anonymous]

You should be worried about your unhealthy relationship with your stepson. Really worried.

Also you are stepping all over things you do not understand for attention seeking. Why do you need someone else’s drama to validate yourself? Get some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

Umm, hang on, not that it really matters because you're meddling either way, but maybe that's what her mom told her growing up? So that's why she believes it? I can easily imagine a parent who finds it easier to say, "they're just jealous because we have more than they do," than a parent who says, "yep, they hate us for no reason and think that we are less-than because of the color of our skin."

+100
That was honestly my first thought. Maybe, to protect her, the mother told her that the issues were due to jealousy, not racism.

[Anonymous]

OP, this will be a major boundary violation on your part if you are to proceed in any way whatsoever as it affect yours sons marriage and his fiancé’s handling of HER OWN past.

If you can no longer look at her the same that is your problem and not hers. She is not responsible for you emotions, and you are not for hers.

There is a reason why posters here are responding with such intensity. What you are suggesting causes a visceral “No!” reaction in people’s guts because it is so wrong. Such a violation of trust, boundaries and emotions on your part

You mention your own trauma, and I am so sorry you went through that! But it sounds like the way you are suddenly put off, suspect, anxious, and inclined to violate your son and future dil’s relationship might actually be a trauma response itself.

Please seek counseling or read some professional literature on boundaries. There is so much out there. Also, moving forward I would not seek out information about people from anyone aside from that person. It is gossiping and a background conversation, even if the intent is good.

[Anonymous]

Op, there’s really nothing you should be doing to interfere. And I’ll be honest as a parent if my child was marrying somebody with some deep unhealed, unaddressed trauma , I would encourage my child to figure out a way to sensitively bring it up in couples therapy or find a way to sensitively approach the discussion with his or her soon to be spouse. Because this is some deep-seated mess that is going to wreak havoc in their lives if it’s not dealt with but it is not your place to make her deal with it .