Now that we know it wasn’t almost heaven :(

[Anonymous]

OP are you for real?

[Anonymous]

I think OP's title is a reference to:

Almost heaven, West Virginia...Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepson is marrying a lovely young woman. We are AA/mixed AA. His fiancée is mixed AA raised by her White mom in various WV (mostly), Ohio, and Western PA small towns. Mom had a decent pink-collar profession and I’ve gotten the sense that while money was tight, there was not poverty despite the one income. And SDTB has often talked about the economic gulf between her family and that of classmates as the main source of mistreatment in the community growing up. However, stepson recently told DH and I that his fiancée’s BFF told him that there was almost constant very overt racism towards the family in HS and that’s why his fiancée was allowed to graduate a year early. We’ve always wondered about that as she graduated and then took a gap year without anything to show for it or a health issue. Stepson asked her mom and Mom confirmed that the atmosphere in HS was so bad that the counselors allowed her to double up on some classes so she could finish in three years. She also said that at least two of their moves were to escape threats of violence from racist neighbors or schoolmate’s parents. Mom feels her daughter wants to pretend everything was jealousy over the family’s slightly better economic status and she’s nervous to contradict that narrative. Stepson is unsure how to proceed and so are we. I think he should bring it up in their premarital counseling sessions, but DH thinks there’s likely a fragility there best untested.

I highlighted the portions of your OP that show the complete lack of boundaries and overstepping and minding/meddling in someone else's life.

Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepson is marrying a lovely young woman. We are AA/mixed AA. His fiancée is mixed AA raised by her White mom in various WV (mostly), Ohio, and Western PA small towns. Mom had a decent pink-collar profession and I’ve gotten the sense that while money was tight, there was not poverty despite the one income. And SDTB has often talked about the economic gulf between her family and that of classmates as the main source of mistreatment in the community growing up. However, stepson recently told DH and I that his fiancée’s BFF told him that there was almost constant very overt racism towards the family in HS and that’s why his fiancée was allowed to graduate a year early. We’ve always wondered about that as she graduated and then took a gap year without anything to show for it or a health issue. Stepson asked her mom and Mom confirmed that the atmosphere in HS was so bad that the counselors allowed her to double up on some classes so she could finish in three years. She also said that at least two of their moves were to escape threats of violence from racist neighbors or schoolmate’s parents. Mom feels her daughter wants to pretend everything was jealousy over the family’s slightly better economic status and she’s nervous to contradict that narrative. Stepson is unsure how to proceed and so are we. I think he should bring it up in their premarital counseling sessions, but DH thinks there’s likely a fragility there best untested.

I highlighted the portions of your OP that show the complete lack of boundaries and overstepping and minding/meddling in someone else's life.

Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

Thank you, Simone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

So you're calling her a liar.

I don’t think she’s a liar. I think she might be the type of person who bottles things up and that’s bad for her and everyone else.

Did your stepson explicitly ask you (not just his father) for advice on how to handle these differing narratives from his fiancé and her mom and friend? If the answer is no, then MYOB. If the answer is yes, then you can give input, but the decision on how to proceed is his alone. If he is ready for marriage, he can navigate this on his own.

[Anonymous]

OP, how many times and in how many ways do you need to be told to BUTT THE F@KC OUT?

This is none of your business, and you sound like a horrible person. I feel so sorry for your stepson and his future wife. They are going to run screaming from you soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP's title is a reference to:

Almost heaven, West Virginia...Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River...

Yes, I think we all got that.

That was actually another problem I had with OP's post and wrote out a long post, but ended up deleting before hitting send. Find me one state that has zero race issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

OP, assuming all you have the facts right, which is on its own a huge assumption that I'm not sure you can make, what you know boils down to this: your future stepdaughter grew up with bad racism, so bad that it forced the family to move. She has internalized it less as racism and more as classism. Maybe she's right, maybe she's half-right (it was both race and class), maybe she's wrong. But that's how she interprets it now, years later. And you want her to view it differently....why?

And by the way, how do you know exactly what she "never mentioned" to her soon to be husband? How can you be confident that stepson is telling you every little detail here?

Can you imagine if this were about some kind of other trauma like a sexual assault? If she said that she had been physically assaulted, but you found out there was a sexual component that she is repressing in order to not relive the trauma, would you be "questioning her ability to be honest" and demanding that she tell you all the gory details?

I mean, seriously, this poor girl who lived a tough upbringing is about to be part of your family, how about you just support and love her before you go around policing whether or not she's given you enough details.

This is exactly why I’m concerned. I am a survivor of almost a decade of childhood sexual abuse by a family member. I know that secrets make you sick. I don’t love her any less, but I’m not sure that I can ever again take at face value her statements that everything is okay. By her profession, she had a rougher 2020 than most of us and has always said it wasn’t so bad, mostly complained about her commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

So you're calling her a liar.

I don’t think she’s a liar. I think she might be the type of person who bottles things up and that’s bad for her and everyone else.

Did your stepson explicitly ask you (not just his father) for advice on how to handle these differing narratives from his fiancé and her mom and friend? If the answer is no, then MYOB. If the answer is yes, then you can give input, but the decision on how to proceed is his alone. If he is ready for marriage, he can navigate this on his own.

He did. He also asked his mom. We’re all at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

So you're calling her a liar.

I don’t think she’s a liar. I think she might be the type of person who bottles things up and that’s bad for her and everyone else.

Did your stepson explicitly ask you (not just his father) for advice on how to handle these differing narratives from his fiancé and her mom and friend? If the answer is no, then MYOB. If the answer is yes, then you can give input, but the decision on how to proceed is his alone. If he is ready for marriage, he can navigate this on his own.

He did. He also asked his mom. We’re all at a loss.

Uh huh. Bye, crazy liar.

[Anonymous]

I find this whole thread bizarre. In a world of everyone trying to be woke and sensitive to issues people face and have faced, this woman is trying to do the best she can to respond helpfully. And DCUM comes down on her way too harshly.

Agreed, it is none of her business, but DSS has asked and she's trying to be helpful. She's the one who wants them to get counseling. And they should.

I think the only weird part of this is that a BFF told fiancé that fiancee's life in HS was terrible and the mom talked about it too. THAT is overstepping. A SM trying to help, as long as she is not pushing some sort of agenda, is what most any mother would do.

smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

So you're calling her a liar.

Is your stepson wondering too? Sounds like it might just be you.

[Anonymous]

Look, the thing is maybe you are really close with your step son. I'm super close with my step kids. So I get that he might come to you about problems. However, everyone deals with abuse differently. If your son doesn't have the maturity to know how to handle someone he loves having a history with abuse, then HE IS NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. And for him to talk about HER life with his parents instead of her shows that his loyalty is not with her.

This issue is not for the parents to solve. When my children started going off to college, I switched from "It sounds like you need to ..." to instead saying "Okay, what's your plan for handling that?" Because they're becoming adults. And if your stepson is adult enough to get married, he should be adult enough to have difficult and honest conversations directly with the woman he wants to marry. You don't need to know what she did during her gap year. Unless she killed someone or robbed a bank. She's obviously moved past it.

You need to step back. And encourage your stepson to handle things with his fiancée directly, without involving his parents. "It's not my place to be involved in this."

[Anonymous]

OP, I do understand your concern and the suggestion for pre-marital counseling is a good one. It really doesn't sound like DS is ready to get married. How old are they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

OP, assuming all you have the facts right, which is on its own a huge assumption that I'm not sure you can make, what you know boils down to this: your future stepdaughter grew up with bad racism, so bad that it forced the family to move. She has internalized it less as racism and more as classism. Maybe she's right, maybe she's half-right (it was both race and class), maybe she's wrong. But that's how she interprets it now, years later. And you want her to view it differently....why?

And by the way, how do you know exactly what she "never mentioned" to her soon to be husband? How can you be confident that stepson is telling you every little detail here?

Can you imagine if this were about some kind of other trauma like a sexual assault? If she said that she had been physically assaulted, but you found out there was a sexual component that she is repressing in order to not relive the trauma, would you be "questioning her ability to be honest" and demanding that she tell you all the gory details?

I mean, seriously, this poor girl who lived a tough upbringing is about to be part of your family, how about you just support and love her before you go around policing whether or not she's given you enough details.

This is exactly why I’m concerned. I am a survivor of almost a decade of childhood sexual abuse by a family member. I know that secrets make you sick. I don’t love her any less, but I’m not sure that I can ever again take at face value her statements that everything is okay. By her profession, she had a rougher 2020 than most of us and has always said it wasn’t so bad, mostly complained about her commute.

OP, you are a survivor of horrific childhood abuse and you do not understand why someone isn't exactly eager to open up about their own traumas!? Do you even hear yourself? You're concerned that you can't take her statements at face value because she doesn't complain as much as you would if you had her job?

Honestly, what do you want from this girl at this point? It sounds like you won't be happy until you have her break down in tears because you've pushed her beyond the breaking point demanding that she frame her OWN experience of trauma in the precise way that YOU want her to. Please leave the poor thing alone and find a way to be happy that she is able to move forward in her life despite the difficulties she's experienced both in her childhood and her job in 2020. Stop trying to make her life worse.