Now that we know it wasn’t almost heaven :(

[Anonymous]

She sounds resilient. I’m not seeing the issue here, or what you are trying to accomplish.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. You do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepson is marrying a lovely young woman. We are AA/mixed AA. His fiancée is mixed AA raised by her White mom in various WV (mostly), Ohio, and Western PA small towns. Mom had a decent pink-collar profession and I’ve gotten the sense that while money was tight, there was not poverty despite the one income. And SDTB has often talked about the economic gulf between her family and that of classmates as the main source of mistreatment in the community growing up. However, stepson recently told DH and I that his fiancée’s BFF told him that there was almost constant very overt racism towards the family in HS and that’s why his fiancée was allowed to graduate a year early. We’ve always wondered about that as she graduated and then took a gap year without anything to show for it or a health issue. Stepson asked her mom and Mom confirmed that the atmosphere in HS was so bad that the counselors allowed her to double up on some classes so she could finish in three years. She also said that at least two of their moves were to escape threats of violence from racist neighbors or schoolmate’s parents. Mom feels her daughter wants to pretend everything was jealousy over the family’s slightly better economic status and she’s nervous to contradict that narrative. Stepson is unsure how to proceed and so are we. I think he should bring it up in their premarital counseling sessions, but DH thinks there’s likely a fragility there best untested.

Biracial black woman here. Regardless of whether this were race issues or other issues, there is no need for you to figure out how to "proceed." Your stepson's fiance's family/racial history is not your business--better to stay in your lane. If this is something you're worried about now, God help your stepson as you sound like you'll overstep other boundaries too.

[Anonymous]

Am I reading correctly that this entire Bizzarre preoccupation was precipitated by the following:

“We’ve always wondered about that as she graduated and then took a gap year without anything to show for it or a health issue.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepson is marrying a lovely young woman. We are AA/mixed AA. His fiancée is mixed AA raised by her White mom in various WV (mostly), Ohio, and Western PA small towns. Mom had a decent pink-collar profession and I’ve gotten the sense that while money was tight, there was not poverty despite the one income. And SDTB has often talked about the economic gulf between her family and that of classmates as the main source of mistreatment in the community growing up. However, stepson recently told DH and I that his fiancée’s BFF told him that there was almost constant very overt racism towards the family in HS and that’s why his fiancée was allowed to graduate a year early. We’ve always wondered about that as she graduated and then took a gap year without anything to show for it or a health issue. Stepson asked her mom and Mom confirmed that the atmosphere in HS was so bad that the counselors allowed her to double up on some classes so she could finish in three years. She also said that at least two of their moves were to escape threats of violence from racist neighbors or schoolmate’s parents. Mom feels her daughter wants to pretend everything was jealousy over the family’s slightly better economic status and she’s nervous to contradict that narrative. Stepson is unsure how to proceed and so are we. I think he should bring it up in their premarital counseling sessions, but DH thinks there’s likely a fragility there best untested.

Biracial black woman here. Regardless of whether this were race issues or other issues, there is no need for you to figure out how to "proceed." Your stepson's fiance's family/racial history is not your business--better to stay in your lane. If this is something you're worried about now, God help your stepson as you sound like you'll overstep other boundaries too.

+100, signed another biracial black woman. You sound like you are going to be a very overbearing MIL.

[Anonymous]

I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

OP, assuming all you have the facts right, which is on its own a huge assumption that I'm not sure you can make, what you know boils down to this: your future stepdaughter grew up with bad racism, so bad that it forced the family to move. She has internalized it less as racism and more as classism. Maybe she's right, maybe she's half-right (it was both race and class), maybe she's wrong. But that's how she interprets it now, years later. And you want her to view it differently....why?

And by the way, how do you know exactly what she "never mentioned" to her soon to be husband? How can you be confident that stepson is telling you every little detail here?

Can you imagine if this were about some kind of other trauma like a sexual assault? If she said that she had been physically assaulted, but you found out there was a sexual component that she is repressing in order to not relive the trauma, would you be "questioning her ability to be honest" and demanding that she tell you all the gory details?

I mean, seriously, this poor girl who lived a tough upbringing is about to be part of your family, how about you just support and love her before you go around policing whether or not she's given you enough details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

So you're calling her a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

Umm, hang on, not that it really matters because you're meddling either way, but maybe that's what her mom told her growing up? So that's why she believes it? I can easily imagine a parent who finds it easier to say, "they're just jealous because we have more than they do," than a parent who says, "yep, they hate us for no reason and think that we are less-than because of the color of our skin."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

This is not for you to figure out. Let your stepson work it out with her. If he asks for your advice tell him to talk to her, other than that stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

So you're calling her a liar.

I don’t think she’s a liar. I think she might be the type of person who bottles things up and that’s bad for her and everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God...you are an overstepping, overbearing, gossipy, intrusive, projecting, fault-finding nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

Seek help. Get a life. Get a hobby.

She owes you nothing. No explanations. She doesn't have to "make sense" to you.

GOD, I would put so much distance between you and myself/my fiancee. You are batshit crazy.

[Anonymous]

No good can come from you meddling in this situation. None.

You and your spouse need to sit back and think about why you should be involved, how any of this pertains to you.

Did you encourage your son to speak to his MIL-to-be about this topic? If you did, shame on you. Shame On You.

If his fiance finds out about all of this chattering behind her back, it could break them up. If she's smart she would RUN far and fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be overbearing, but now there’s the elephant in the room of knowing that they had she horrific experiences for 17 years and she pretends that it was this idyll except a couple people who were jealous that her mom was a nurse and their mom was on welfare or worked in a grocery store. Knowing that isn’t at all what her childhood is really like, we’re all questioning her ability to be honest about things that bother her. Is this her regular coping mechanism or a one-off? She’s told Stepson so many stories about the moves and being a new kid, and never mentioned that they moved for their safety! That is huge.

So you're calling her a liar.

I don’t think she’s a liar. I think she might be the type of person who bottles things up and that’s bad for her and everyone else.

Hmm, maybe. Maybe that's a personal challenge that she has to contend with.

Lucky for you, you have many, many issues, too, OP!

You're a boundary-stomper, a projector/fantasist, a nosy busybody gossip, you have way too much time on your hands, you have no life or no hobbies, you're obsessed with race and class. Oh, you would be such a gold mine for a therapist. Best of luck with your multitude of mental health issues and personality disorders.