Is it culture thing that parents do not talk about kids (not in front of them)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

DP... I would say your self-worth in an Asian culture is just built on something different. It’s a culture that values grit and having the confidence and resilience to push past superficial ego issues to see what you’re really made of. It’s also a culture that values the contributions you make to service, family, and community. It’s each individual’s responsibility to bring the best in themselves for everyone else. Old-fashioned, conservative, survival oriented... whatever you want to call it, I think it’s just a different way of being. And certainly we see during this pandemic that there is some value to understanding you’re not better or different than others and you need to pull your weight to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

I mean the same kinda thing as the poster saying Asian parents general openness about strengths and weaknesses are detrimental to their children.

The flip side is too much overprotection of your kids feelings and thinking they are incapable of handling anything negative also leads to detrimental outcomes.

They end up as adults with excessive fragility and weak resiliency that is at odds with an over inflated sense of self which is difficult to reconcile.

Objectively, both sides can strike a balance and both sides can also go too far. Saying that Asian parenting is detrimental while not acknowledging detrimental outcomes from one’s own side kinda makes might point.

When you haven’t been raised to critique yourself, you gravitate to thinking you or your ways are superior. Easily critiquing others while becoming sensitive or easily offended when similarly critiqued.

[Anonymous]

White Americans have unreasonably high expectations for their (ie banish them to another room from infancy, let them cry themselves to sleep) and low expectations for their older kids (poor behavior, not paying attention at school, drugs sex and alcohol is all kosher). Look at how they disrespect teachers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:White Americans have unreasonably high expectations for their (ie banish them to another room from infancy, let them cry themselves to sleep) and low expectations for their older kids (poor behavior, not paying attention at school, drugs sex and alcohol is all kosher). Look at how they disrespect teachers!

*High expectations for their young babies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Omg yes, white women are sooooo whiny! Is that because of how they were raised, or because white men infantilize them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian, but I am definitely not a tiger mom. I am not from here, but I notice that no one (coworkers, neighbors or friends) talk about anything negative about their own kids at all. I have been here in America for 20 years. My kids are in elementary school. It seems like I am the only one sometimes nagging about my kids are naughty, and wish they are more behaved, willing to participate in sports, and etc.. I don’t talk about my kids at all until they bring this topic up, and I would start with some positive things and then then mention something that I wish and I hope for improvements etc when they ask me how’s my kids doing? Then, I would ask them how their kids are doing, all they mention are all good and positive things, e.g., they mention that they does so well in what sports and academic, get some awards, make some good friendship etc.... no single bad or negative or things that need to work on at all. I have met a parent before that they are offended if anyone says anything “bad” or “ negative” about their only child. They defend their child right away verbally. One time, I mention that her child is shy, she gives me a list of reasons her child is not shy at all in my face with some attitude.....and since then, I shut my mouth up.

I am confused if I am the only odd parent or all other parents have perfect kids? Or just parents are supposed to talk about good and positive things of their kids for pride, protection, or to build up kid confidence? Positive parenting approach? I do mixed parenting approach to my kids, sometimes positive encouragement to build up their confidence, and sometimes tell them which area are their weakness which we need to work on etc..

I know that this forum have many parents express their concerns & worries because it is anonymous. But in real life, do you also talk about your kids among friends, coworkers, neighbors etc at all?

It's an American thing. I'm Russian and have also been here 20+ years. Our kids are all doing great but all we do is bitch about them. I mean we brag too but bitching prevails. Some cultures penalize the expression of any negativity. Ours treasures it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

You've clearly led a very sheltered life because most urchins are anything but magical.

In your quest to be writerly, you come across as contrived and trying too hard to use interesting words. "Hope not sporadically!" - yep, that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

I mean the same kinda thing as the poster saying Asian parents general openness about strengths and weaknesses are detrimental to their children.

The flip side is too much overprotection of your kids feelings and thinking they are incapable of handling anything negative also leads to detrimental outcomes.

They end up as adults with excessive fragility and weak resiliency that is at odds with an over inflated sense of self which is difficult to reconcile.

Objectively, both sides can strike a balance and both sides can also go too far. Saying that Asian parenting is detrimental while not acknowledging detrimental outcomes from one’s own side kinda makes might point.

When you haven’t been raised to critique yourself, you gravitate to thinking you or your ways are superior. Easily critiquing others while becoming sensitive or easily offended when similarly critiqued.

There is a high rate for American kids & adults need to see psychologists for anxieties or suicide attempt or depression, and I wonder if it is because they couldn’t handle stress, weakness or criticism because of culture values. In Asia, I rarely hear or know of any kids or adults need to see psychologists for these reasons. It has been a part of being an Asian life to handle all the stress & expectations from families, school & work. The other day, my kid whines for doing a sheet of homework. I tell him that as a student, I needed to go see tutor every Saturday, I had quiz, homework & tests almost every day, and I need to stay at library to study till 10pm on almost weekdays after school.....it is not an uncommon lifestyle for being an Asian kids in an Asian country. I never complained because it became part of my life and many kids did the same things as I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Why is your child so fragile that it would kill her self esteem and confidence? Why would you shield your child from the knowledge that she needs to lose weight, if she does?

Btw, your child doesn't go to the grocery store on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There is a high rate for American kids & adults need to see psychologists for anxieties or suicide attempt or depression, and I wonder if it is because they couldn’t handle stress, weakness or criticism because of culture values. In Asia, I rarely hear or know of any kids or adults need to see psychologists for these reasons. It has been a part of being an Asian life to handle all the stress & expectations from families, school & work. The other day, my kid whines for doing a sheet of homework. I tell him that as a student, I needed to go see tutor every Saturday, I had quiz, homework & tests almost every day, and I need to stay at library to study till 10pm on almost weekdays after school.....it is not an uncommon lifestyle for being an Asian kids in an Asian country. I never complained because it became part of my life and many kids did the same things as I did.

A thing cut from the same cloth is the American insistence on getting therapy for as much as a hangnail. It's like people lost any ability to reflect on their life and find commonsense solutions. Like therapy is a magic button!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

I mean the same kinda thing as the poster saying Asian parents general openness about strengths and weaknesses are detrimental to their children.

The flip side is too much overprotection of your kids feelings and thinking they are incapable of handling anything negative also leads to detrimental outcomes.

They end up as adults with excessive fragility and weak resiliency that is at odds with an over inflated sense of self which is difficult to reconcile.

Objectively, both sides can strike a balance and both sides can also go too far. Saying that Asian parenting is detrimental while not acknowledging detrimental outcomes from one’s own side kinda makes might point.

When you haven’t been raised to critique yourself, you gravitate to thinking you or your ways are superior. Easily critiquing others while becoming sensitive or easily offended when similarly critiqued.

Except my friends who were over-critiqued as children all have massive mental health issues. They are constantly self-derogatory, worried about not being enough and none of them are self-starters. Squarely unexceptional which is fine but just pointing this out - none of them seem to have the self-confidence to be go-getters let alone leaders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

I mean the same kinda thing as the poster saying Asian parents general openness about strengths and weaknesses are detrimental to their children.

The flip side is too much overprotection of your kids feelings and thinking they are incapable of handling anything negative also leads to detrimental outcomes.

They end up as adults with excessive fragility and weak resiliency that is at odds with an over inflated sense of self which is difficult to reconcile.

Objectively, both sides can strike a balance and both sides can also go too far. Saying that Asian parenting is detrimental while not acknowledging detrimental outcomes from one’s own side kinda makes might point.

When you haven’t been raised to critique yourself, you gravitate to thinking you or your ways are superior. Easily critiquing others while becoming sensitive or easily offended when similarly critiqued.

There is a high rate for American kids & adults need to see psychologists for anxieties or suicide attempt or depression, and I wonder if it is because they couldn’t handle stress, weakness or criticism because of culture values. In Asia, I rarely hear or know of any kids or adults need to see psychologists for these reasons. It has been a part of being an Asian life to handle all the stress & expectations from families, school & work. The other day, my kid whines for doing a sheet of homework. I tell him that as a student, I needed to go see tutor every Saturday, I had quiz, homework & tests almost every day, and I need to stay at library to study till 10pm on almost weekdays after school.....it is not an uncommon lifestyle for being an Asian kids in an Asian country. I never complained because it became part of my life and many kids did the same things as I did.

East Asian countries also have the highest suicide rates in the world per capita.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

I mean the same kinda thing as the poster saying Asian parents general openness about strengths and weaknesses are detrimental to their children.

The flip side is too much overprotection of your kids feelings and thinking they are incapable of handling anything negative also leads to detrimental outcomes.

They end up as adults with excessive fragility and weak resiliency that is at odds with an over inflated sense of self which is difficult to reconcile.

Objectively, both sides can strike a balance and both sides can also go too far. Saying that Asian parenting is detrimental while not acknowledging detrimental outcomes from one’s own side kinda makes might point.

When you haven’t been raised to critique yourself, you gravitate to thinking you or your ways are superior. Easily critiquing others while becoming sensitive or easily offended when similarly critiqued.

Except my friends who were over-critiqued as children all have massive mental health issues. They are constantly self-derogatory, worried about not being enough and none of them are self-starters. Squarely unexceptional which is fine but just pointing this out - none of them seem to have the self-confidence to be go-getters let alone leaders.

You missed the paragraph above that said both sides can go too far and both sides can strike a balance.

Again, showing how you are overly sensitive and overly defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

I mean the same kinda thing as the poster saying Asian parents general openness about strengths and weaknesses are detrimental to their children.

The flip side is too much overprotection of your kids feelings and thinking they are incapable of handling anything negative also leads to detrimental outcomes.

They end up as adults with excessive fragility and weak resiliency that is at odds with an over inflated sense of self which is difficult to reconcile.

Objectively, both sides can strike a balance and both sides can also go too far. Saying that Asian parenting is detrimental while not acknowledging detrimental outcomes from one’s own side kinda makes might point.

When you haven’t been raised to critique yourself, you gravitate to thinking you or your ways are superior. Easily critiquing others while becoming sensitive or easily offended when similarly critiqued.

There is a high rate for American kids & adults need to see psychologists for anxieties or suicide attempt or depression, and I wonder if it is because they couldn’t handle stress, weakness or criticism because of culture values. In Asia, I rarely hear or know of any kids or adults need to see psychologists for these reasons. It has been a part of being an Asian life to handle all the stress & expectations from families, school & work. The other day, my kid whines for doing a sheet of homework. I tell him that as a student, I needed to go see tutor every Saturday, I had quiz, homework & tests almost every day, and I need to stay at library to study till 10pm on almost weekdays after school.....it is not an uncommon lifestyle for being an Asian kids in an Asian country. I never complained because it became part of my life and many kids did the same things as I did.

East Asian countries also have the highest suicide rates in the world per capita.

+1. Some therapy might help. Just guessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

I mean the same kinda thing as the poster saying Asian parents general openness about strengths and weaknesses are detrimental to their children.

The flip side is too much overprotection of your kids feelings and thinking they are incapable of handling anything negative also leads to detrimental outcomes.

They end up as adults with excessive fragility and weak resiliency that is at odds with an over inflated sense of self which is difficult to reconcile.

Objectively, both sides can strike a balance and both sides can also go too far. Saying that Asian parenting is detrimental while not acknowledging detrimental outcomes from one’s own side kinda makes might point.

When you haven’t been raised to critique yourself, you gravitate to thinking you or your ways are superior. Easily critiquing others while becoming sensitive or easily offended when similarly critiqued.

There is a high rate for American kids & adults need to see psychologists for anxieties or suicide attempt or depression, and I wonder if it is because they couldn’t handle stress, weakness or criticism because of culture values. In Asia, I rarely hear or know of any kids or adults need to see psychologists for these reasons. It has been a part of being an Asian life to handle all the stress & expectations from families, school & work. The other day, my kid whines for doing a sheet of homework. I tell him that as a student, I needed to go see tutor every Saturday, I had quiz, homework & tests almost every day, and I need to stay at library to study till 10pm on almost weekdays after school.....it is not an uncommon lifestyle for being an Asian kids in an Asian country. I never complained because it became part of my life and many kids did the same things as I did.

East Asian countries also have the highest suicide rates in the world per capita.

But aren't they committing suicide because they have lower rates of anxieties or depression, and they are better at handling stress, weakness, and criticism? They just handle it a different way. [/s]