Is it culture thing that parents do not talk about kids (not in front of them)?

[Anonymous]

I am Asian, but I am definitely not a tiger mom. I am not from here, but I notice that no one (coworkers, neighbors or friends) talk about anything negative about their own kids at all. I have been here in America for 20 years. My kids are in elementary school. It seems like I am the only one sometimes nagging about my kids are naughty, and wish they are more behaved, willing to participate in sports, and etc.. I don’t talk about my kids at all until they bring this topic up, and I would start with some positive things and then then mention something that I wish and I hope for improvements etc when they ask me how’s my kids doing? Then, I would ask them how their kids are doing, all they mention are all good and positive things, e.g., they mention that they does so well in what sports and academic, get some awards, make some good friendship etc.... no single bad or negative or things that need to work on at all. I have met a parent before that they are offended if anyone says anything “bad” or “ negative” about their only child. They defend their child right away verbally. One time, I mention that her child is shy, she gives me a list of reasons her child is not shy at all in my face with some attitude.....and since then, I shut my mouth up.

I am confused if I am the only odd parent or all other parents have perfect kids? Or just parents are supposed to talk about good and positive things of their kids for pride, protection, or to build up kid confidence? Positive parenting approach? I do mixed parenting approach to my kids, sometimes positive encouragement to build up their confidence, and sometimes tell them which area are their weakness which we need to work on etc..

I know that this forum have many parents express their concerns & worries because it is anonymous. But in real life, do you also talk about your kids among friends, coworkers, neighbors etc at all?

[Anonymous]

In real life, most people would only talk about negative things with family members — including kids — with very close friends or with professionals, such as sharing a concern with a doctor or a teacher. So having such conversations with coworkers or neighbors or even casual friends would be unusual, unless it was directly related to an immediate concern. (So, a neighbor witnessing misbehavior, for example.) It would be very unusual for even a close friend to initiate a conversation focused on the negative behavior of someone else’s child, although if the parent initiated the conversation, it’s fine. The issue here isn’t so much “perfect” kids or their self esteem, but what kinds of personal, “ family business” gets discussed with people outside of the family.

This is my experience, although my experiences my be far from universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In real life, most people would only talk about negative things with family members — including kids — with very close friends or with professionals, such as sharing a concern with a doctor or a teacher. So having such conversations with coworkers or neighbors or even casual friends would be unusual, unless it was directly related to an immediate concern. (So, a neighbor witnessing misbehavior, for example.) It would be very unusual for even a close friend to initiate a conversation focused on the negative behavior of someone else’s child, although if the parent initiated the conversation, it’s fine. The issue here isn’t so much “perfect” kids or their self esteem, but what kinds of personal, “ family business” gets discussed with people outside of the family.

This is my experience, although my experiences my be far from universal.

Re-reading this, my first sentence might be unclear. I mean that the issue is not just about kids but about all family members. I would not expect a casual friend or neighbor to initiate negative remarks about my parents, spouse, or siblings, for example.

[Anonymous]

It's an American thing. They all think their kids are well behaved and belong in college, even when half of them aren't, and don't.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm that doesn’t sound right. I am Chinese and generally people were praising each others kids and talking crap about their own. It would have been really impolite to just accept compliments about your kid

[Anonymous]

Probably these people don’t feel close to you. It would not be standard to bring up “real” things about kids, such as concerns of parenting issues, with colleagues and casual acquaintances. You need to get to be close friends before you will hear that kind of thing and then only with honest open people. They need to trust you with their vulnerabilities.

Re: negative things, I wouldn’t comment on other kids anything but positive. Most parents are sensitive to criticism about their children and worry about how others perceive them.

In general Americans keep it positive because that is considered to be a sign of strength. Showing vulnerability or real struggles would be done to indicate to the other person you want to let them in a little closer.

Hope that helps — I am Asian but raised here.

[Anonymous]

I don't want people with big mouths in our small school community to use DC as one of their conversation starters because they are bored rich housewives and have nothing to do but pilates and gossip.

[Anonymous]

People in the DMV area are very insecure so they don’t want to show their weaknesses, lest someone use those against them. That includes their kids.

[Anonymous]

It is absolutely a cultural American thing. Bragging about how advanced their kid is, gushing about every positive comment they’ve ever received (“Our pediatrician says she is SO advanced for her age!”) etc etc etc. I’ve actually started doubting myself for this reason - as much as I love my child I absolutely see his weaknesses and room for improvement and I’m pretty open about it. Is this bad? Am I not being supportive enough? Is my kid going to grow up a neurotic self doubting mess like me? Where I’m from openly talking about these things is pretty normal, but here I never encounter it.

[Anonymous]

It’s a cultural thing.

I’m second gen, but am still like you in that definitely have no qualms talking about my kid’s weaknesses even just in casual conversation. I guess it’s ingrained. I’m really open with them about their weaknesses and their strengths too.

From what I understand, at least from my country of origin’s history, is that this was a means of survival. You don’t want others or your own kids to think they are too good because it could make them a target.

I try to remind myself that and change the topic when I hear myself.

[Anonymous]

It is not just an American thing. My Eastern European country has a saying similar to the American saying "don't air your dirty laundry in public."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want people with big mouths in our small school community to use DC as one of their conversation starters because they are bored rich housewives and have nothing to do but pilates and gossip.

Sounds like a lovely environment for your child.

[Anonymous]

I only share with my closest friends or family. No one needs to talk about their child to acquaintances or coworkers.

[Anonymous]

I’m south Asian born here but part tiger mom (ha!). I praise my kids only to my kids and air complaints to others — like the bad grades she’s gotten during the pandemic. I notice others are more reticent about criticism of their own kids. I have higher expectations and Paris’s my kids plenty when they are doing well.

[Anonymous]

DH is Filipino and we have lots of Filipino family and friends, and it's pretty common to speak somewhat negatively of your kids TO them or about them when they are in earshot-- yet praise them a lot when they (the kids) are not around.

We've assumed it's just the sort of... you know, parents understand the child's strengths and weaknesses and are genuinely proud of their kids-- but culturally don't want them getting a "big head." Which is why they will brag on them, but only if they aren't around to hear it.