Is it culture thing that parents do not talk about kids (not in front of them)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

Wonder if you know how exhausting you come off to people?
I suspect it doesn’t matter to you.
But I also doubt anyone has ever said it aloud to you or ever attempted to disabuse you of you smug self-satisfaction. You might consider that your open disdain for all the “boring” people isn’t as charming as you seem to think it is. Nor are you as interesting to others as you have fashioned yourself to be in your own mind.

I bet you're thriving in your full life that you were blessed with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

Wonder if you know how exhausting you come off to people?
I suspect it doesn’t matter to you.
But I also doubt anyone has ever said it aloud to you or ever attempted to disabuse you of you smug self-satisfaction. You might consider that your open disdain for all the “boring” people isn’t as charming as you seem to think it is. Nor are you as interesting to others as you have fashioned yourself to be in your own mind.

I see the PP struck a nerve. I bet you have "live laugh love" and crap like that in your house. Post inspirational drivel, use "blessed", and write how much your kids "thrive" on here, how rich and full your life is. Now come back and tell me how wrong I am, what Ivy league school you attended, how high your HHI is, and all the usual DCUM BS that people spew. Go ahead, we'll believe you. Oh, and don't forget to tell me I must be bitter and lonely. Or similar.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is completely cultural. I'm American but my parents immigrated from Asia. Culturally Chinese parents believe they should tell their kids what they are doing wrong--believe, my parents are still do this all the time even though I am in my 40s with kids of my own, LOL! It would be the height of rudeness to praise one's own children in front of other people. I hated this as a kid because my mom would criticize me in front of my white American friends--who thought it was really strange. On the flip side, people from other countries can find Americans weirdly pollyannaish (having an ex whose mom was German I laughed at that observation, she was very blunt about people's shortcomings!) and find Americans falsely--they believe--positive about things, including kids.

Just realize it's a cultural difference, both approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. In a white American suburban setting you are better off saying complimentary things about other people's kids. It's different with true friends, but in polite conversation it is just not done to say anything else. Things can sometimes be different in African-American communities and Latino communities if you are part of that community and there is a relationship among families understanding you are all looking out for each other's kids and sometimes that means being strict with children, even not your own, in a different way, but I leave it to folks from those communities to speak to that.

[Anonymous]

White American here

I guess it is cultural. I don’t even like to talk about my kids’ weaknesses with my own mother.

DH is the only person I discuss this stuff with.

Partly because it’s taboo but mostly because it feels too intimate. And it’s not really about me, it’s not my story to share. It just doesn’t feel like anyone else’s business.

[Anonymous]

I try not to complain about anything ever. People hate negativity.

Or if I do, I say it in a joking way or end with an upbeat expression.

Debbie Downers are annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want people with big mouths in our small school community to use DC as one of their conversation starters because they are bored rich housewives and have nothing to do but pilates and gossip.

Oh my. A lot of resentment to unpack in this contribution here, PP. I hope you
find peace.

+2

[Anonymous]

It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is completely cultural. I'm American but my parents immigrated from Asia. Culturally Chinese parents believe they should tell their kids what they are doing wrong--believe, my parents are still do this all the time even though I am in my 40s with kids of my own, LOL! It would be the height of rudeness to praise one's own children in front of other people. I hated this as a kid because my mom would criticize me in front of my white American friends--who thought it was really strange. On the flip side, people from other countries can find Americans weirdly pollyannaish (having an ex whose mom was German I laughed at that observation, she was very blunt about people's shortcomings!) and find Americans falsely--they believe--positive about things, including kids.

Just realize it's a cultural difference, both approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. In a white American suburban setting you are better off saying complimentary things about other people's kids. It's different with true friends, but in polite conversation it is just not done to say anything else. Things can sometimes be different in African-American communities and Latino communities if you are part of that community and there is a relationship among families understanding you are all looking out for each other's kids and sometimes that means being strict with children, even not your own, in a different way, but I leave it to folks from those communities to speak to that.

I'm not black or latino, but the point about "looking out for each other's kids made me think: I'm much more open about my kid's struggles and shortcomings with people I believe to be invested in her happiness and success. If you love her and are helping raise her in some way, sure, let's talk honestly about her struggles. But I'm not going to share her problems with a stranger or acquaintance. I don't need to put her down so you can judge her or me -- you're not going to help me with whatever the problem is, so why do you need to know? I discipline and criticize behaviors -- in private.

I also don't brag about her in public, either. If asked, I'll be honest about her strengths and achievements, but I'm not inserting that into every conversation, either. If you ask how she's doing in school, I'll say generally that she's doing well and likes her teacher, or something like that.

I'd also add, for OP, that saying negative things about your own kid may be perceived as fishing for compliments. Like you are saying that he's naughty, but hoping/expecting people will say that he's so well-behaved. Like saying negative things about someone else's kid, that is generally considered rude in a lot of cultures. (Not just affluent white suburbans -- I grew up white working/middle class, and while my parents may be free with their criticisms of their kids, if someone else criticized their kid, they would absolutely take offense, out of family loyalty and a sense of "no one gets to beat up my brother but me.")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Do you mean white people coddle their children too much?

[Anonymous]

I see this not as fishing for compliments or complaining and being negative, I see it as being honest and vulnerable. Everyone in the US tries to portray this instagram-perfect lifestyle, but I have no interest in making friends whose life is always outwardly effortless and perfect, because it’s not real. Parenting is hard, motherhood is exhausting and draining at times and having people be open about these kinds of things would make me personally feel a lot better for not always “thriving” and “being blessed”. Sometimes you just want to speak with someone who can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is completely cultural. I'm American but my parents immigrated from Asia. Culturally Chinese parents believe they should tell their kids what they are doing wrong--believe, my parents are still do this all the time even though I am in my 40s with kids of my own, LOL! It would be the height of rudeness to praise one's own children in front of other people. I hated this as a kid because my mom would criticize me in front of my white American friends--who thought it was really strange. On the flip side, people from other countries can find Americans weirdly pollyannaish (having an ex whose mom was German I laughed at that observation, she was very blunt about people's shortcomings!) and find Americans falsely--they believe--positive about things, including kids.

Just realize it's a cultural difference, both approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. In a white American suburban setting you are better off saying complimentary things about other people's kids. It's different with true friends, but in polite conversation it is just not done to say anything else. Things can sometimes be different in African-American communities and Latino communities if you are part of that community and there is a relationship among families understanding you are all looking out for each other's kids and sometimes that means being strict with children, even not your own, in a different way, but I leave it to folks from those communities to speak to that.

I’m Latina and you’re describing the way my grandparents were raised. There’re many Latin countries and regions(big city/MA vs small town) though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an American thing. They all think their kids are well behaved and belong in college, even when half of them aren't, and don't.

Np. No, most parents only share the real stuff with family. I never said anything negative because I dont need your advice and it is none of your business.

My kid. My problem. Your kid your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Np. No, most parents only share the real stuff with family. I never said anything negative because I dont need your advice and it is none of your business.

My kid. My problem. Your kid your problem.

This is so strange to me. Do you have any close friends? Do their problems and struggles not concern you at all?