Is it culture thing that parents do not talk about kids (not in front of them)?

[Anonymous]

I’ll chime in as Asian-American. If we suck at something, we are told so. There is ZERO sugar coating, and it is absolutely not a trophy-for-everyone mindset. You have a bachelor’s? Why don’t you have a masters or PhD? This kid went to Yale, why did you only get into UVA? You can’t major in art history, that is pathetic and stupid. I felt insecure at times, especially bc I noticed how my white friends didn’t get spoken to like this, but now that I’m older I know it’s just because my parents wanted me to work hard and succeed, and theyve instilled a great work ethic in me. And then once a year Asian parents will tell them how proud they are of you, then the next day tell you how much you still suck and why don’t you do this or that. I’m almost 40! It’s funny now.

My husband is European, and his upbringing was similar, though the language was softer. He thinks kids here have it very easy and maybe coddled a bit, but that’s another topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll chime in as Asian-American. If we suck at something, we are told so. There is ZERO sugar coating, and it is absolutely not a trophy-for-everyone mindset. You have a bachelor’s? Why don’t you have a masters or PhD? This kid went to Yale, why did you only get into UVA? You can’t major in art history, that is pathetic and stupid. I felt insecure at times, especially bc I noticed how my white friends didn’t get spoken to like this, but now that I’m older I know it’s just because my parents wanted me to work hard and succeed, and theyve instilled a great work ethic in me. And then once a year Asian parents will tell them how proud they are of you, then the next day tell you how much you still suck and why don’t you do this or that. I’m almost 40! It’s funny now.

My husband is European, and his upbringing was similar, though the language was softer. He thinks kids here have it very easy and maybe coddled a bit, but that’s another topic.

I just don’t know why you’d want to go through life like this. I don’t want to hurt my kids’ feelings and I don’t believe I have to in order for them to be successful. Kind, loving, and supportive parents can raise happy productive people too and it’s just a generally warmer way to go through life.

What you are describing is a very critical, negative look on life where nothing and nobody is ever good enough. You only get one life, why be this negative about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll chime in as Asian-American. If we suck at something, we are told so. There is ZERO sugar coating, and it is absolutely not a trophy-for-everyone mindset. You have a bachelor’s? Why don’t you have a masters or PhD? This kid went to Yale, why did you only get into UVA? You can’t major in art history, that is pathetic and stupid. I felt insecure at times, especially bc I noticed how my white friends didn’t get spoken to like this, but now that I’m older I know it’s just because my parents wanted me to work hard and succeed, and theyve instilled a great work ethic in me. And then once a year Asian parents will tell them how proud they are of you, then the next day tell you how much you still suck and why don’t you do this or that. I’m almost 40! It’s funny now.

My husband is European, and his upbringing was similar, though the language was softer. He thinks kids here have it very easy and maybe coddled a bit, but that’s another topic.

I just don’t know why you’d want to go through life like this. I don’t want to hurt my kids’ feelings and I don’t believe I have to in order for them to be successful. Kind, loving, and supportive parents can raise happy productive people too and it’s just a generally warmer way to go through life.

What you are describing is a very critical, negative look on life where nothing and nobody is ever good enough. You only get one life, why be this negative about it?

I don't think you're understanding culture. Asian cultures and western cultures have different styles of parenting. I certainly don't agree with a lot of it, and am far more affectionate with my kids, but if you didn't win, you don't get a trophy, and if you get a bad grade, I absolutely will not call your teacher to try to get you a better one (I really hope most parents don't do this but I have seen this in my circle and I do not get it).

[Anonymous]

Another Asian American chiming in. I didn't grow up in the US. There is a difference between being honest in front of kids and discussing all their 'flaws' and weaknesses with others. I felt horrible and worthless as a kid so many times in social situations. So, not trying to raise my kids as snowflakes, but an adult's expectations from a kid are something that the adult needs to manage, the kids are going to be their own person.