Is it culture thing that parents do not talk about kids (not in front of them)?

[Anonymous]

My co-workers and I are always talking about our feral children.

[Anonymous]

I vent about my kids to two co-workers who I am close to. They definitely know my kids are far from perfect. I also share good news, too! I do not spend time with people who only brag about their kids and aren't 'real' people. With that said, I would not tolerate someone I'm not close to making an even remotely negative comment about my kid.

[Anonymous]

Look at Facebook posts, all perfect.

I share with other people who I trust and won’t hold it against kid or me. Close friends, sister.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

[Anonymous]

I have had the exact opposite experience. I’m also an immigrant to this country, I’ve been here close to 20 years and all my friends from here are pretty open about challenges with their kids. My friends from my home country would never be this open (unless you are really close and even then, there is a fear of meddling friends and relatives)
But this is only in real life, in actual in-person conversations. Not on Facebook. And that’s only right, in my opinion. No complaints about kids on public social media that they can come across in the future....

[Anonymous]

Definitely limited to your work location. Kids can drive us crazy, make us late for work, and do some pretty amazing things to make us proud. Sometimes my co-workers and I vent/talk about it at work. That's how I found out a co-worker and I basically have the same kids personality-wise.

[Anonymous]

Interesting question. I do think it's probably partly cultural. Lord knows I have MANY concerns and gripes about my DC, but I feel like if I talked about them casually, other moms would ostracize him and thing he's a bad kid. I do talk about my concerns with my closest friend and sister. But I think that's a little different from what you're describing.

Maybe it also has to do with the culture of intensive parenting here in the US, where all the pressure is on being a Good Mom, and complaining about your kid makes it seem like you, the mom, cannot hack it. So it's less about the kid than the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

And many are arrogant and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian, but I am definitely not a tiger mom. I am not from here, but I notice that no one (coworkers, neighbors or friends) talk about anything negative about their own kids at all. I have been here in America for 20 years. My kids are in elementary school. It seems like I am the only one sometimes nagging about my kids are naughty, and wish they are more behaved, willing to participate in sports, and etc.. I don’t talk about my kids at all until they bring this topic up, and I would start with some positive things and then then mention something that I wish and I hope for improvements etc when they ask me how’s my kids doing? Then, I would ask them how their kids are doing, all they mention are all good and positive things, e.g., they mention that they does so well in what sports and academic, get some awards, make some good friendship etc.... no single bad or negative or things that need to work on at all. I have met a parent before that they are offended if anyone says anything “bad” or “ negative” about their only child. They defend their child right away verbally. One time, I mention that her child is shy, she gives me a list of reasons her child is not shy at all in my face with some attitude.....and since then, I shut my mouth up.

I am confused if I am the only odd parent or all other parents have perfect kids? Or just parents are supposed to talk about good and positive things of their kids for pride, protection, or to build up kid confidence? Positive parenting approach? I do mixed parenting approach to my kids, sometimes positive encouragement to build up their confidence, and sometimes tell them which area are their weakness which we need to work on etc..

I know that this forum have many parents express their concerns & worries because it is anonymous. But in real life, do you also talk about your kids among friends, coworkers, neighbors etc at all?

(1) Saying negative things about someone else's kid is rude.

(2) I'm not trashing my kid to acquaintances. I discuss specific challenges or vent my frustrations occasionally with family and friends to whom I am close, but I'm not airing my dirty laundry in public for random people.

(3) There is a lot of pressure in American culture to be upbeat and positive all the time.

(4) It is uncomfortable to listen to people denigrate their own children. Saying one thing -- "Larlo is doing well in school, but I wish it wasn't so hard to get him to do his homework!" -- is okay -- indeed, it might prompt conversation by people who have the same issue -- but going on about all the things you want to change about your own kids puts your listeners in a tough spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian, but I am definitely not a tiger mom. I am not from here, but I notice that no one (coworkers, neighbors or friends) talk about anything negative about their own kids at all. I have been here in America for 20 years. My kids are in elementary school. It seems like I am the only one sometimes nagging about my kids are naughty, and wish they are more behaved, willing to participate in sports, and etc.. I don’t talk about my kids at all until they bring this topic up, and I would start with some positive things and then then mention something that I wish and I hope for improvements etc when they ask me how’s my kids doing? Then, I would ask them how their kids are doing, all they mention are all good and positive things, e.g., they mention that they does so well in what sports and academic, get some awards, make some good friendship etc.... no single bad or negative or things that need to work on at all. I have met a parent before that they are offended if anyone says anything “bad” or “ negative” about their only child. They defend their child right away verbally. One time, I mention that her child is shy, she gives me a list of reasons her child is not shy at all in my face with some attitude.....and since then, I shut my mouth up.

I am confused if I am the only odd parent or all other parents have perfect kids? Or just parents are supposed to talk about good and positive things of their kids for pride, protection, or to build up kid confidence? Positive parenting approach? I do mixed parenting approach to my kids, sometimes positive encouragement to build up their confidence, and sometimes tell them which area are their weakness which we need to work on etc..

I know that this forum have many parents express their concerns & worries because it is anonymous. But in real life, do you also talk about your kids among friends, coworkers, neighbors etc at all?

I am Asian too, but Asian-American, born and raised here.

I don't really talk about real concerns about my kids with people who I am not close to, because those things are private. Not just my privacy, but my kids' privacy. I mean, do you talk about your marriage problems with your partner (and everyone has some issues) with acquaintances? Probably not. As a kid, would you want all your mom's acquaintances knowing that you have social problems making friends in your class or that you are struggling in Algebra and may have to repeat? As the kids get older, it gets more apparent that you should be judicious in what you share.

I might mention jokingly some minor things, like I wish my kids would eat more vegetables or clean up more if we are discussing that kind of thing.

It's also not the norm in my circle to criticize other people's kids, which is what you did in saying the kid was shy. Why would you say that? I'd be offended too. You do come across as someone who is very critical in general, like you watch the kids all the time to see if they meet your standards, and they do not. I know a couple parents like this in my kids' classes -- and incidentally both are immigrants (one German, one Chinese) -- and they are just far more blunt than is the norm here. It's off-putting. People didn't ask for your assessment of their kid, so why are you offering it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want people with big mouths in our small school community to use DC as one of their conversation starters because they are bored rich housewives and have nothing to do but pilates and gossip.

Oh my. A lot of resentment to unpack in this contribution here, PP. I hope you
find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

Wonder if you know how exhausting you come off to people?
I suspect it doesn’t matter to you.
But I also doubt anyone has ever said it aloud to you or ever attempted to disabuse you of you smug self-satisfaction. You might consider that your open disdain for all the “boring” people isn’t as charming as you seem to think it is. Nor are you as interesting to others as you have fashioned yourself to be in your own mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Asian, but I am definitely not a tiger mom. I am not from here, but I notice that no one (coworkers, neighbors or friends) talk about anything negative about their own kids at all. I have been here in America for 20 years. My kids are in elementary school. It seems like I am the only one sometimes nagging about my kids are naughty, and wish they are more behaved, willing to participate in sports, and etc.. I don’t talk about my kids at all until they bring this topic up, and I would start with some positive things and then then mention something that I wish and I hope for improvements etc when they ask me how’s my kids doing? Then, I would ask them how their kids are doing, all they mention are all good and positive things, e.g., they mention that they does so well in what sports and academic, get some awards, make some good friendship etc.... no single bad or negative or things that need to work on at all. I have met a parent before that they are offended if anyone says anything “bad” or “ negative” about their only child. They defend their child right away verbally. One time, I mention that her child is shy, she gives me a list of reasons her child is not shy at all in my face with some attitude.....and since then, I shut my mouth up.

I am confused if I am the only odd parent or all other parents have perfect kids? Or just parents are supposed to talk about good and positive things of their kids for pride, protection, or to build up kid confidence? Positive parenting approach? I do mixed parenting approach to my kids, sometimes positive encouragement to build up their confidence, and sometimes tell them which area are their weakness which we need to work on etc..

I know that this forum have many parents express their concerns & worries because it is anonymous. But in real life, do you also talk about your kids among friends, coworkers, neighbors etc at all?

I am Asian too, but Asian-American, born and raised here.

I don't really talk about real concerns about my kids with people who I am not close to, because those things are private. Not just my privacy, but my kids' privacy. I mean, do you talk about your marriage problems with your partner (and everyone has some issues) with acquaintances? Probably not. As a kid, would you want all your mom's acquaintances knowing that you have social problems making friends in your class or that you are struggling in Algebra and may have to repeat? As the kids get older, it gets more apparent that you should be judicious in what you share.

I might mention jokingly some minor things, like I wish my kids would eat more vegetables or clean up more if we are discussing that kind of thing.

It's also not the norm in my circle to criticize other people's kids, which is what you did in saying the kid was shy. Why would you say that? I'd be offended too. You do come across as someone who is very critical in general, like you watch the kids all the time to see if they meet your standards, and they do not. I know a couple parents like this in my kids' classes -- and incidentally both are immigrants (one German, one Chinese) -- and they are just far more blunt than is the norm here. It's off-putting. People didn't ask for your assessment of their kid, so why are you offering it?

+1 to both of these.

[Anonymous]

I keep it real op. I’m open about our parenting challenges.
- not Asian parent
Ps- I’ve also considered starting an Instagram of only pictures of dirty clothes piles, and my face when I first wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

We should be friends.