sister just told me about disturbing childhood events

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IT seems you and your sister have a very complicated relationship.


If you have a therapist I would run this by them and get their advice on how you should respond, given the background of your relationship.

IF you don't have a therapist I would get one.


I too have a sibling that likes to "throw bombs" when she's not getting what she wants from me, going to therapy has been immensely helpful in navigating this relationship..

For the people, telling Op she's awful, while broadly speaking it's best to believe people when they say they were abused, unfortunately not all people can be given the benefit of doubt.

I wish you the best, Op.

The thing is, OP is throwing landlines. There was a fight, and her answer was to cut off contact when she didn’t get what she wanted.

I’m guessing OP was taught by her father to not “feed into” her crazy stepsister as part of his grooming. It continues to this day.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, the fact that you are focusing on when/how your sister decided to tell you this is concerning.

What you should be asking is: how can I find out more about what she says happened? How can I support her? How can I make sure my toddler is safe?

You are nitpicking your sister's choice about how to convey the information. You should be focused on the information conveyed and how you are going to learn more/process/verify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't say I thought she was lying

DP. So you don't think she is lying, which means to me you think your father did actually molest or assault or emotionally abuse her, and you're defending him? Really? You're defending that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I told her - she doesn’t get to toss it - and run- I’m sorry it happened, But her dropping something like that -in a text - after I said I would be taking space -is also problematic given the history of manipulation that has occurred between us...

I also told her the last thing I wanted to do was shut down a conversation but it was too painful to be so resented. Which I said and then she sent that text- what???

Wow. You really don't understand why you're resented? She was abused, you weren't, and you don't understand why she resents you? And then you texted her to say that? OP, you are a piece of work. I really hope that she has a support system from friends because you, her sister, clearly aren't capable of it. You are one cold person OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are spending a lot of time resenting how this information was conveyed, and nitpicking the format of the information, and the motives of the information sender, versus dealing with the information. This is often a sign that you are not ready to deal with the information, and you are blocking.

In this regard, I’m wondering what is the “right” way to share this kind of information? I was also sexually abused by my stepfather, and I want to share with my siblings (who also have children). But I don’t really want to get into details about the abuse. And my proof is extremely limited. But I’m also a mother, and I would want to know if anyone in my child’s orbit was an abuser.

I feel so conflicted because I’m virtually certain my siblings won’t believe me. At the same time, I feel a duty to warn them because of my nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you all are harsh on OP.

Think about this from OP's perspective 30 seconds before she gets that text. At this point she is so upset with her sister she doesn't even want to talk to her. I have never been so mad at a family member I've threatened to cut contact, so I imagine it's not a rational, generous, empathetic state of mind.

The next text from the sister basically says "you thought we had one problem, but actually we need to focus on this much deeper, older problem I've been carrying for years." Accept that that's true. It is still asking a lot for OP to immediately stop having the feelings she was already having in the middle of a fight in order to care for her sister.

I'm not saying the sister did anything wrong by telling her, or that OP needs to blow it off, but I don't think it's fair to pile on OP and call her horrible because she didn't IMMEDIATELY react perfectly. She clearly also has childhood baggage impacting their relationship and is not an objective outside adult. Maybe she needs a few days to calm down so she can deal with this news separate from the fight and with more generosity.

OP, I'm sorry this happened and is causing harm all these years later. I hope you find a way to repair things with your sister and protect your kids.

I don’t think the issue is that OP didn’t IMMEDIATELY react perfectly. I think what people are reacting to is everything in the OP’s post and in her replies here. Of course OP can’t be expected to nail it perfect in the moment but she’s had some time to process and continues to not be handling it very well.

[Anonymous]

UPDATE Im the OP, but I am actually the sister - the stepdaughter.. I really needed to hear what was above to know an “objective take” although I tried to stick as closely to her literal quotes (“what? No you don’t get to throw this and run.” Etc) I don’t know if she would keep repeating them in a convo like this online... she really isn’t a monster

there was some sexual weirdness from my stepdad. I was not raped or sexually abused on a regular basis thank god, but The first time it happened I went ballistic but my mother didn’t want to deal with it; I honestly think she did the best she could but in her case that meant denial.I even brought it up years later and she forgot and seemed to genuinely not know what I meant (maybe - although she does that sort of thing a lot)

I am not sure of why I lobbed it out there to her/ but I was surprised maybe at her response? - it felt like I just needed it out there with her and it wouldn’t hurt as much (plus I am worried about my nieces or nephews and think she should know) and I felt like I needed to wash my hands of that responsibility - although if she doesn’t believe me - well I don’t know if she believes me or not but I guess I can’t do anything right now (right?) I don’t WANT at all to talk about this woth her - when she said she hoped we would one day I felt totally freaked out. I only told my therapist very recently- There was part of me that suspected She might not believe me

[Anonymous]

I consider myself more or less mentally healthy, but I am in therapy.

Anyway sorry to twist the story but there’s so much history of gaslighting in my family (I think - not even sure there) that an outside perspective not from someone on my “side” was something I felt I really wanted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I told her - she doesn’t get to toss it - and run- I’m sorry it happened, But her dropping something like that -in a text - after I said I would be taking space -is also problematic given the history of manipulation that has occurred between us...

I also told her the last thing I wanted to do was shut down a conversation but it was too painful to be so resented. Which I said and then she sent that text- what???

Your father assaulted/raped/molested her. Of course she resents you because you got to have a childhood and a dad who did not violate you. She on the other hand was a convenient and available child to victimize for the sicko who fathered you. Of course she resents you.

She is giving you the biggest clue of why she is so unhappy. You can be the compassionate person and try to understand what she is feeling as a victim. You need to grow up and realize that her life was spoiled by your father. You need to realize that a great harm was done to her by your dad while you remained unscathed from that perversion.

+1

Have a heart, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I consider myself more or less mentally healthy, but I am in therapy.

Anyway sorry to twist the story but there’s so much history of gaslighting in my family (I think - not even sure there) that an outside perspective not from someone on my “side” was something I felt I really wanted

I'm sure your stepsister didn't want the abuse, for that matter. My God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:UPDATE Im the OP, but I am actually the sister - the stepdaughter.. I really needed to hear what was above to know an “objective take” although I tried to stick as closely to her literal quotes (“what? No you don’t get to throw this and run.” Etc) I don’t know if she would keep repeating them in a convo like this online... she really isn’t a monster

there was some sexual weirdness from my stepdad. I was not raped or sexually abused on a regular basis thank god, but The first time it happened I went ballistic but my mother didn’t want to deal with it; I honestly think she did the best she could but in her case that meant denial.I even brought it up years later and she forgot and seemed to genuinely not know what I meant (maybe - although she does that sort of thing a lot)

I am not sure of why I lobbed it out there to her/ but I was surprised maybe at her response? - it felt like I just needed it out there with her and it wouldn’t hurt as much (plus I am worried about my nieces or nephews and think she should know) and I felt like I needed to wash my hands of that responsibility - although if she doesn’t believe me - well I don’t know if she believes me or not but I guess I can’t do anything right now (right?) I don’t WANT at all to talk about this woth her - when she said she hoped we would one day I felt totally freaked out. I only told my therapist very recently- There was part of me that suspected She might not believe me

Your mom was complicit in his actions by staying. Your mom knew what happened, and stayed, anyway. Your mom should have put you first, should have protected you, should have taken you and removed you both from the situation. I am sorry this happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child molesters aren’t confined to one gender; Id be very, very careful with your child around your father.

+1 talk to your mother! Tell her what your sister told you. Dark secrets must be brought to light

This is op - that would be mortifying - REALLY hope she doesn’t because my mother keeps seeking to forget it all happened... and I hate the idea of this being discussed among them without me there or really period.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say it and be done with it - I do NOT want to process it with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say it and be done with it - I do NOT want to process it with them

Yeah, imagine how your sister feels

You keep making this about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say it and be done with it - I do NOT want to process it with them

Yeah, imagine how your sister feels

You keep making this about you.

Sorry, OP, read the update that you are sister.

I’m not sure what “weirdness” you have to process, but you need to look after yourself. If you don’t want to “process” it with them, don’t use it as ammunition in your relationship. Find a qualified therapist or counsellor and find your own peace. It’s not through hurting the people that weren’t hurt, or that ignored you.

I’m not sure what “weirdness” entails, but many rape crisis centres will give short term free counselling or help for CSA survivors, if you need a place to start.