I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it

[Anonymous]

“I worked for YEARS keeping our life and marriage afloat. Now I’m done putting in effort. I’m here. I’m willing to stay for a bit if time. But don’t me to do the work. You want our marriage, then show me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what do you think is out there? They won't care about your kids and 2nd marriages are close to 70% divorce.

Unless it was really bad or abuse was involved I'd stay. Having your kids and grand-kids go to one home is ideal. Most of my 2nd married friends have many problems related to this they didn't see back in the day.

Getting divorced doesn't mean one has to remarry. Plenty of people are fine with just dating or living alone.

I agree, but odds are one of them will and it may be him. Bring in a new step mother/father step kids that possibly the kids won't like and it's a whole new set of problems.

I'm just saying for OP to look realistically down the road. I know very women in second marriages that are happy, many more problems.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are not obligated to stay in the marriage just because he doesn’t want to end it.

Also, be very skeptical of someone who has a big change of heart only even it’s clear you’re about to walk out the door. They tend to do just enough to get you to change your mind, and then revert to type. It becomes and endless cycle of you becoming increasingly miserable until you’ve hit your limit, them putting on a brief but flashy show to get you to stay, and then you becoming increasingly miserable again when the change doesn’t last

[Anonymous]

You did the 180 and it “worked”. I would be open to it. What you learned is an important lesson. Happiness comes from within not your DH.

[Anonymous]

This is what I would say.

"I've worked so hard at this, alone, for so long that I am now pretty ambivalent,. If you want to save this marriage then you need to step up and do the work, maybe that will help convince me to stay but I just can't answer that question right now. Put in the work and we will see."

That's all you can do OP. Don't promise him anything based on his words, see what he DOES.

[Anonymous]

You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

What a horrible reason to stay. When my kids were young, I didn't expect them to understand why I divorced. Now that they're older and have had their own romantic relationships, they understand how difficult relationships can be. OP has already given it a year. That her husband is now making an effort doesn't mean the clock restarts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I would say.

"I've worked so hard at this, alone, for so long that I am now pretty ambivalent,. If you want to save this marriage then you need to step up and do the work, maybe that will help convince me to stay but I just can't answer that question right now. Put in the work and we will see."

That's all you can do OP. Don't promise him anything based on his words, see what he DOES.

Agree. I’d do the above and mentally have a 6 month period and then reassess. Did he do what he said he’d do? Is he honestly trying? Is he improving or not or bare minimum? Is he incapable?

If any No’s I’d move on to divorce or shell marriage like it was before.

Talk is cheap. He needs to apologize for the last decide and demonstrate improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

What a horrible reason to stay. When my kids were young, I didn't expect them to understand why I divorced. Now that they're older and have had their own romantic relationships, they understand how difficult relationships can be. OP has already given it a year. That her husband is now making an effort doesn't mean the clock restarts.

No it's not. Many that get divorced don't see the ramifications down the road. It's goes down to the grand-kids.

It forever changes a family and brings unwanted people into your kids lives. Think carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

What a horrible reason to stay. When my kids were young, I didn't expect them to understand why I divorced. Now that they're older and have had their own romantic relationships, they understand how difficult relationships can be. OP has already given it a year. That her husband is now making an effort doesn't mean the clock restarts.

No it's not. Many that get divorced don't see the ramifications down the road. It's goes down to the grand-kids.

It forever changes a family and brings unwanted people into your kids lives. Think carefully.

Wow, what a pessimistic take!!!

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was little, remained amicable, and not only do I love my stepmom, but so do my kids/her grandkids. I’m SO glad she was brought into my life, and my family!

[Anonymous]

If he wants to be a good husband, op, let him… to you.

People don’t really talk about what it takes to have a good marriage. Men especially don’t have any exposure to good marriages, books and tv shows geared to them usually show girlfriends or love interests. If they do show wives, it’s the man kissing the wife good-bye, or coming home, or finally at the end of the movie deciding he wants to quit his job and be with his wife… the movie about the FBI spy from a few years back comes to mind. The movie Apollo 13 is one of my all time favorite movies, and while I write this,I am realizing that the only sex scene if you can even call it that is between the bachelor astronaut and a random girl, it’s not even clear if she’s a girlfriend of any long term standing. The scenes between the married astronauts and their wives are the astronauts either leaving to fly either real flights or simulations, or coming home and being so focused on their flying that they totally miss how their kids are dressed for Halloween. They miss it with good cheer which is what saves the scene, but they do miss it.


If men talk at all, it’s usually to say “my wife handles all that” or “my wife is a bitch.”

It’s a rare sister or mom that will tell her brother or son to take his wife out or do anything sweet. Our generation especially was raised by women who told us to “take ourselves out” “you don’t need a man to do that for you” “If you want it, go get it”


There is nothing wrong with saying to your husband “Bill’s wife may handle everything, and your sister may not need date nights, but I’m not Bill’s wife, and I’m not your sister”. Or to say “That’s funny, the last time I saw Bill’s wife, she was in tears because he wasn’t home to help her so of course she handled it”.

I wouldn’t divorce, at least not yet. Let your husband be the person you fell in love with. If you can’t remember that person, approach him like a boyfriend but with the contract to be nice and love you already in place. You can also be nice to him and treat him in ways (nice ways) that you wouldn’t normally treat a boyfriend of a few weeks or months.

Know that divorce won’t solve everything. You’ll probably want to date again, though this time you’ll have your kids to think about. Nobody will care about the kids as much as you and your husband do.

Your kids will deffinately ask about why you divorced and you will need to have truthful answers. This will be harder for them if they see Dad happily partnered with another woman. Plus, do you really want to see your husband being a wonderful husband to someone else and think “I taught him everything he knows”. I remember some of my parents friends who are divorced and thinking “Why couldn’t the two of you have worked it out, you both like the same things, you both seem like nice people, whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad”.


Given that you didn’t leave after whatever happened at the precovid dinner, it sounds like your marriage has hit a garden variety bad patch. Please don’t blame covid for why you stayed, covid hasn’t changed the world as much as everybody thinks. People are still marrying, divorcing, having babies, buying and selling houses, the world is still spinning just like it always has.

Finally, ditch the individual therapy. That person is only interested in you, not your marriage, not your kids, you. As nice as that may be, know that if you give him or data on how bad your husband is, he or she will say “leave him”. That is their job description. They only get one version of events complete with the shading you provide.



I’d drop the individual therapy and focus on your marriage. Your kids are fun ages and your husband wants to try. I’d give it a shot before you end the marriage.



It

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

What a horrible reason to stay. When my kids were young, I didn't expect them to understand why I divorced. Now that they're older and have had their own romantic relationships, they understand how difficult relationships can be. OP has already given it a year. That her husband is now making an effort doesn't mean the clock restarts.

No it's not. Many that get divorced don't see the ramifications down the road. It's goes down to the grand-kids.

It forever changes a family and brings unwanted people into your kids lives. Think carefully.

Wow, what a pessimistic take!!!

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was little, remained amicable, and not only do I love my stepmom, but so do my kids/her grandkids. I’m SO glad she was brought into my life, and my family!

The ACOD here will basically tell you not to get divorced unless your life is in danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

NP here. No, they won’t. They will know I stayed for YEARS in something that was never going to work. They will know there is nothing “to save” if it was never a good marriage or a bad match. They will not repeat the pattern of old-fashioned thinking ensuring a miserable life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

What a horrible reason to stay. When my kids were young, I didn't expect them to understand why I divorced. Now that they're older and have had their own romantic relationships, they understand how difficult relationships can be. OP has already given it a year. That her husband is now making an effort doesn't mean the clock restarts.

No it's not. Many that get divorced don't see the ramifications down the road. It's goes down to the grand-kids.

It forever changes a family and brings unwanted people into your kids lives. Think carefully.

You are wrong. Many people never remarry. Some remarry happily. Get over your outdated views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what do you think is out there? They won't care about your kids and 2nd marriages are close to 70% divorce.

Unless it was really bad or abuse was involved I'd stay. Having your kids and grand-kids go to one home is ideal. Most of my 2nd married friends have many problems related to this they didn't see back in the day.

Getting divorced doesn't mean one has to remarry. Plenty of people are fine with just dating or living alone.

Usually that means the woman is being used for sex, and the man doesn't want to commit. But that is a nicer way of saying it...

Wrong. Or the woman or neither want a commitment of marriage but still want an intimate life. This is not “being used” for sex.