I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

+1
Sure my parents could have easily divorced because they weren't "happy". But now with kids of my own, and a DH that comes from a divorced home, I am overjoyed that my parents stuck it out, and continue to. It's truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

NP here. No, they won’t. They will know I stayed for YEARS in something that was never going to work. They will know there is nothing “to save” if it was never a good marriage or a bad match. They will not repeat the pattern of old-fashioned thinking ensuring a miserable life.

They will repeat the pattern of divorce though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

NP here. No, they won’t. They will know I stayed for YEARS in something that was never going to work. They will know there is nothing “to save” if it was never a good marriage or a bad match. They will not repeat the pattern of old-fashioned thinking ensuring a miserable life.

They will repeat the pattern of divorce though.

Or they'll end up like my kids most likely will--never getting married after living in a miserable home as children because of how much their parents hated each other but stayed together anyway. My kids are very disappointed in me and cannot understand why I don't just leave. I'm hopeful that as adults that they will understand how complicated it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been there. To that place where after years and years of trying, to make our relationship work, of feeling like the only one in our marriage putting the effort into making it work, fighting, building up resentment, to finally getting to where I had given up. And it was only after getting to that place that my husband finally took notice and realized it was serious and required a difficult change within him to give our marriage a chance.

Honestly I didn't trust him to be able to make the change necessary to make it work. And I had so much resentment built up, from the hurt I've experienced over the years from him via neglect, ignoring everything about me, raging at me, being condescending toward me, mocking or criticizing my interests and beliefs, blaming me for his problems, refusing to engage in any kind of meaningful discussion beyond what he was interested in, and being generally unsupportive and discouraging of any endeavor I wanted to pursue. Every time he hurt me like that - it just kind of fractured our relationship more and more, and it's really hard to come back from that. I had put up a wall to protect myself - I stopped depending on him for any kind of emotional support or encouragement or participation in basic every day life stuff. Luckily I have solid good supportive friends. But it was extra hard during the pandemic not being able to see those friends in person.

Anyway we had a deep conversation - and he really reigned himself in from being defensive and he just listened, and I told him pretty much the above. And that the only way we have a chance was if I figure out a way to let go of this resentment I have toward him from all the hurt. And for him to stop doing all those things that were hurting me, and to make a conscientious effort to actually encourage me every day.

I don't have an answer for you, but we are working on it. I was skeptical but I can see that he's actually really trying and that for me, makes a world of a difference. And he really took everything I said to heart - as in he made an effort to understand what I was saying and absorb it. And he has not done that in all our years of marriage, so that was a big step. For him, for us. Good luck.

You need daily encouragement from your spouse? Wow, that is really asking a lot from someone. You may want to spend the time building up your own self confidence so you don’t need outside validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wants to be a good husband, op, let him… to you.

People don’t really talk about what it takes to have a good marriage. Men especially don’t have any exposure to good marriages, books and tv shows geared to them usually show girlfriends or love interests. If they do show wives, it’s the man kissing the wife good-bye, or coming home, or finally at the end of the movie deciding he wants to quit his job and be with his wife… the movie about the FBI spy from a few years back comes to mind. The movie Apollo 13 is one of my all time favorite movies, and while I write this,I am realizing that the only sex scene if you can even call it that is between the bachelor astronaut and a random girl, it’s not even clear if she’s a girlfriend of any long term standing. The scenes between the married astronauts and their wives are the astronauts either leaving to fly either real flights or simulations, or coming home and being so focused on their flying that they totally miss how their kids are dressed for Halloween. They miss it with good cheer which is what saves the scene, but they do miss it.


If men talk at all, it’s usually to say “my wife handles all that” or “my wife is a bitch.”

It’s a rare sister or mom that will tell her brother or son to take his wife out or do anything sweet. Our generation especially was raised by women who told us to “take ourselves out” “you don’t need a man to do that for you” “If you want it, go get it”


There is nothing wrong with saying to your husband “Bill’s wife may handle everything, and your sister may not need date nights, but I’m not Bill’s wife, and I’m not your sister”. Or to say “That’s funny, the last time I saw Bill’s wife, she was in tears because he wasn’t home to help her so of course she handled it”.

I wouldn’t divorce, at least not yet. Let your husband be the person you fell in love with. If you can’t remember that person, approach him like a boyfriend but with the contract to be nice and love you already in place. You can also be nice to him and treat him in ways (nice ways) that you wouldn’t normally treat a boyfriend of a few weeks or months.

Know that divorce won’t solve everything. You’ll probably want to date again, though this time you’ll have your kids to think about. Nobody will care about the kids as much as you and your husband do.

Your kids will deffinately ask about why you divorced and you will need to have truthful answers. This will be harder for them if they see Dad happily partnered with another woman. Plus, do you really want to see your husband being a wonderful husband to someone else and think “I taught him everything he knows”. I remember some of my parents friends who are divorced and thinking “Why couldn’t the two of you have worked it out, you both like the same things, you both seem like nice people, whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad”.


Given that you didn’t leave after whatever happened at the precovid dinner, it sounds like your marriage has hit a garden variety bad patch. Please don’t blame covid for why you stayed, covid hasn’t changed the world as much as everybody thinks. People are still marrying, divorcing, having babies, buying and selling houses, the world is still spinning just like it always has.

Finally, ditch the individual therapy. That person is only interested in you, not your marriage, not your kids, you. As nice as that may be, know that if you give him or data on how bad your husband is, he or she will say “leave him”. That is their job description. They only get one version of events complete with the shading you provide.



I’d drop the individual therapy and focus on your marriage. Your kids are fun ages and your husband wants to try. I’d give it a shot before you end the marriage.



It

This is all great advice if the OP is interested in being a doormat for her husband to wipe his feet on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

+1
Sure my parents could have easily divorced because they weren't "happy". But now with kids of my own, and a DH that comes from a divorced home, I am overjoyed that my parents stuck it out, and continue to. It's truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

Glad both your parents led miserable lives so that you could be overjoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

NP here. No, they won’t. They will know I stayed for YEARS in something that was never going to work. They will know there is nothing “to save” if it was never a good marriage or a bad match. They will not repeat the pattern of old-fashioned thinking ensuring a miserable life.

They will repeat the pattern of divorce though.

I know plenty of people whose parents stayed together for the kids. Many of them never married at all and several of those who did marry have decided to be child free. Don't fool yourself that you're doing a good thing by not divorcing. Not saying divorce is a good thing, but don't live under the illusion that you aren't damaging the kids by raising them in a loveless home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wants to be a good husband, op, let him… to you.

People don’t really talk about what it takes to have a good marriage. Men especially don’t have any exposure to good marriages, books and tv shows geared to them usually show girlfriends or love interests. If they do show wives, it’s the man kissing the wife good-bye, or coming home, or finally at the end of the movie deciding he wants to quit his job and be with his wife… the movie about the FBI spy from a few years back comes to mind. The movie Apollo 13 is one of my all time favorite movies, and while I write this,I am realizing that the only sex scene if you can even call it that is between the bachelor astronaut and a random girl, it’s not even clear if she’s a girlfriend of any long term standing. The scenes between the married astronauts and their wives are the astronauts either leaving to fly either real flights or simulations, or coming home and being so focused on their flying that they totally miss how their kids are dressed for Halloween. They miss it with good cheer which is what saves the scene, but they do miss it.


If men talk at all, it’s usually to say “my wife handles all that” or “my wife is a bitch.”

It’s a rare sister or mom that will tell her brother or son to take his wife out or do anything sweet. Our generation especially was raised by women who told us to “take ourselves out” “you don’t need a man to do that for you” “If you want it, go get it”


There is nothing wrong with saying to your husband “Bill’s wife may handle everything, and your sister may not need date nights, but I’m not Bill’s wife, and I’m not your sister”. Or to say “That’s funny, the last time I saw Bill’s wife, she was in tears because he wasn’t home to help her so of course she handled it”.

I wouldn’t divorce, at least not yet. Let your husband be the person you fell in love with. If you can’t remember that person, approach him like a boyfriend but with the contract to be nice and love you already in place. You can also be nice to him and treat him in ways (nice ways) that you wouldn’t normally treat a boyfriend of a few weeks or months.

Know that divorce won’t solve everything. You’ll probably want to date again, though this time you’ll have your kids to think about. Nobody will care about the kids as much as you and your husband do.

Your kids will deffinately ask about why you divorced and you will need to have truthful answers. This will be harder for them if they see Dad happily partnered with another woman. Plus, do you really want to see your husband being a wonderful husband to someone else and think “I taught him everything he knows”. I remember some of my parents friends who are divorced and thinking “Why couldn’t the two of you have worked it out, you both like the same things, you both seem like nice people, whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad”.


Given that you didn’t leave after whatever happened at the precovid dinner, it sounds like your marriage has hit a garden variety bad patch. Please don’t blame covid for why you stayed, covid hasn’t changed the world as much as everybody thinks. People are still marrying, divorcing, having babies, buying and selling houses, the world is still spinning just like it always has.

Finally, ditch the individual therapy. That person is only interested in you, not your marriage, not your kids, you. As nice as that may be, know that if you give him or data on how bad your husband is, he or she will say “leave him”. That is their job description. They only get one version of events complete with the shading you provide.



I’d drop the individual therapy and focus on your marriage. Your kids are fun ages and your husband wants to try. I’d give it a shot before you end the marriage.



It

What would you say to OP if she never loved, only liked as a friend, her DH when they married? The problem may be much deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he wants to be a good husband, op, let him… to you.

People don’t really talk about what it takes to have a good marriage. Men especially don’t have any exposure to good marriages, books and tv shows geared to them usually show girlfriends or love interests. If they do show wives, it’s the man kissing the wife good-bye, or coming home, or finally at the end of the movie deciding he wants to quit his job and be with his wife… the movie about the FBI spy from a few years back comes to mind. The movie Apollo 13 is one of my all time favorite movies, and while I write this,I am realizing that the only sex scene if you can even call it that is between the bachelor astronaut and a random girl, it’s not even clear if she’s a girlfriend of any long term standing. The scenes between the married astronauts and their wives are the astronauts either leaving to fly either real flights or simulations, or coming home and being so focused on their flying that they totally miss how their kids are dressed for Halloween. They miss it with good cheer which is what saves the scene, but they do miss it.


If men talk at all, it’s usually to say “my wife handles all that” or “my wife is a bitch.”

It’s a rare sister or mom that will tell her brother or son to take his wife out or do anything sweet. Our generation especially was raised by women who told us to “take ourselves out” “you don’t need a man to do that for you” “If you want it, go get it”


There is nothing wrong with saying to your husband “Bill’s wife may handle everything, and your sister may not need date nights, but I’m not Bill’s wife, and I’m not your sister”. Or to say “That’s funny, the last time I saw Bill’s wife, she was in tears because he wasn’t home to help her so of course she handled it”.

I wouldn’t divorce, at least not yet. Let your husband be the person you fell in love with. If you can’t remember that person, approach him like a boyfriend but with the contract to be nice and love you already in place. You can also be nice to him and treat him in ways (nice ways) that you wouldn’t normally treat a boyfriend of a few weeks or months.

Know that divorce won’t solve everything. You’ll probably want to date again, though this time you’ll have your kids to think about. Nobody will care about the kids as much as you and your husband do.

Your kids will deffinately ask about why you divorced and you will need to have truthful answers. This will be harder for them if they see Dad happily partnered with another woman. Plus, do you really want to see your husband being a wonderful husband to someone else and think “I taught him everything he knows”. I remember some of my parents friends who are divorced and thinking “Why couldn’t the two of you have worked it out, you both like the same things, you both seem like nice people, whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad”.


Given that you didn’t leave after whatever happened at the precovid dinner, it sounds like your marriage has hit a garden variety bad patch. Please don’t blame covid for why you stayed, covid hasn’t changed the world as much as everybody thinks. People are still marrying, divorcing, having babies, buying and selling houses, the world is still spinning just like it always has.

Finally, ditch the individual therapy. That person is only interested in you, not your marriage, not your kids, you. As nice as that may be, know that if you give him or data on how bad your husband is, he or she will say “leave him”. That is their job description. They only get one version of events complete with the shading you provide.



I’d drop the individual therapy and focus on your marriage. Your kids are fun ages and your husband wants to try. I’d give it a shot before you end the marriage.



It

What would you say to OP if she never loved, only liked as a friend, her DH when they married? The problem may be much deeper.

That she is an idiot. That she never should have settled. Dumb, dumb, dumbie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he wants to be a good husband, op, let him… to you.

People don’t really talk about what it takes to have a good marriage. Men especially don’t have any exposure to good marriages, books and tv shows geared to them usually show girlfriends or love interests. If they do show wives, it’s the man kissing the wife good-bye, or coming home, or finally at the end of the movie deciding he wants to quit his job and be with his wife… the movie about the FBI spy from a few years back comes to mind. The movie Apollo 13 is one of my all time favorite movies, and while I write this,I am realizing that the only sex scene if you can even call it that is between the bachelor astronaut and a random girl, it’s not even clear if she’s a girlfriend of any long term standing. The scenes between the married astronauts and their wives are the astronauts either leaving to fly either real flights or simulations, or coming home and being so focused on their flying that they totally miss how their kids are dressed for Halloween. They miss it with good cheer which is what saves the scene, but they do miss it.


If men talk at all, it’s usually to say “my wife handles all that” or “my wife is a bitch.”

It’s a rare sister or mom that will tell her brother or son to take his wife out or do anything sweet. Our generation especially was raised by women who told us to “take ourselves out” “you don’t need a man to do that for you” “If you want it, go get it”


There is nothing wrong with saying to your husband “Bill’s wife may handle everything, and your sister may not need date nights, but I’m not Bill’s wife, and I’m not your sister”. Or to say “That’s funny, the last time I saw Bill’s wife, she was in tears because he wasn’t home to help her so of course she handled it”.

I wouldn’t divorce, at least not yet. Let your husband be the person you fell in love with. If you can’t remember that person, approach him like a boyfriend but with the contract to be nice and love you already in place. You can also be nice to him and treat him in ways (nice ways) that you wouldn’t normally treat a boyfriend of a few weeks or months.

Know that divorce won’t solve everything. You’ll probably want to date again, though this time you’ll have your kids to think about. Nobody will care about the kids as much as you and your husband do.

Your kids will deffinately ask about why you divorced and you will need to have truthful answers. This will be harder for them if they see Dad happily partnered with another woman. Plus, do you really want to see your husband being a wonderful husband to someone else and think “I taught him everything he knows”. I remember some of my parents friends who are divorced and thinking “Why couldn’t the two of you have worked it out, you both like the same things, you both seem like nice people, whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad”.


Given that you didn’t leave after whatever happened at the precovid dinner, it sounds like your marriage has hit a garden variety bad patch. Please don’t blame covid for why you stayed, covid hasn’t changed the world as much as everybody thinks. People are still marrying, divorcing, having babies, buying and selling houses, the world is still spinning just like it always has.

Finally, ditch the individual therapy. That person is only interested in you, not your marriage, not your kids, you. As nice as that may be, know that if you give him or data on how bad your husband is, he or she will say “leave him”. That is their job description. They only get one version of events complete with the shading you provide.



I’d drop the individual therapy and focus on your marriage. Your kids are fun ages and your husband wants to try. I’d give it a shot before you end the marriage.



It

What would you say to OP if she never loved, only liked as a friend, her DH when they married? The problem may be much deeper.

That she is an idiot. That she never should have settled. Dumb, dumb, dumbie.

Too late. What should she do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

+1
Sure my parents could have easily divorced because they weren't "happy". But now with kids of my own, and a DH that comes from a divorced home, I am overjoyed that my parents stuck it out, and continue to. It's truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

Only if the parents get along. My parents should have divorced. My childhood was miserable. Also was a bad example for my own relationships. As an adult, I never see them. Still married and miserable and horrible to be around. I only see them once a year. Sometimes a divorce is necessary and truly better for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he wants to be a good husband, op, let him… to you.

People don’t really talk about what it takes to have a good marriage. Men especially don’t have any exposure to good marriages, books and tv shows geared to them usually show girlfriends or love interests. If they do show wives, it’s the man kissing the wife good-bye, or coming home, or finally at the end of the movie deciding he wants to quit his job and be with his wife… the movie about the FBI spy from a few years back comes to mind. The movie Apollo 13 is one of my all time favorite movies, and while I write this,I am realizing that the only sex scene if you can even call it that is between the bachelor astronaut and a random girl, it’s not even clear if she’s a girlfriend of any long term standing. The scenes between the married astronauts and their wives are the astronauts either leaving to fly either real flights or simulations, or coming home and being so focused on their flying that they totally miss how their kids are dressed for Halloween. They miss it with good cheer which is what saves the scene, but they do miss it.


If men talk at all, it’s usually to say “my wife handles all that” or “my wife is a bitch.”

It’s a rare sister or mom that will tell her brother or son to take his wife out or do anything sweet. Our generation especially was raised by women who told us to “take ourselves out” “you don’t need a man to do that for you” “If you want it, go get it”


There is nothing wrong with saying to your husband “Bill’s wife may handle everything, and your sister may not need date nights, but I’m not Bill’s wife, and I’m not your sister”. Or to say “That’s funny, the last time I saw Bill’s wife, she was in tears because he wasn’t home to help her so of course she handled it”.

I wouldn’t divorce, at least not yet. Let your husband be the person you fell in love with. If you can’t remember that person, approach him like a boyfriend but with the contract to be nice and love you already in place. You can also be nice to him and treat him in ways (nice ways) that you wouldn’t normally treat a boyfriend of a few weeks or months.

Know that divorce won’t solve everything. You’ll probably want to date again, though this time you’ll have your kids to think about. Nobody will care about the kids as much as you and your husband do.

Your kids will deffinately ask about why you divorced and you will need to have truthful answers. This will be harder for them if they see Dad happily partnered with another woman. Plus, do you really want to see your husband being a wonderful husband to someone else and think “I taught him everything he knows”. I remember some of my parents friends who are divorced and thinking “Why couldn’t the two of you have worked it out, you both like the same things, you both seem like nice people, whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad”.


Given that you didn’t leave after whatever happened at the precovid dinner, it sounds like your marriage has hit a garden variety bad patch. Please don’t blame covid for why you stayed, covid hasn’t changed the world as much as everybody thinks. People are still marrying, divorcing, having babies, buying and selling houses, the world is still spinning just like it always has.

Finally, ditch the individual therapy. That person is only interested in you, not your marriage, not your kids, you. As nice as that may be, know that if you give him or data on how bad your husband is, he or she will say “leave him”. That is their job description. They only get one version of events complete with the shading you provide.



I’d drop the individual therapy and focus on your marriage. Your kids are fun ages and your husband wants to try. I’d give it a shot before you end the marriage.



It

What would you say to OP if she never loved, only liked as a friend, her DH when they married? The problem may be much deeper.

That she is an idiot. That she never should have settled. Dumb, dumb, dumbie.

PP here. This happens to a lot of people. It happened to me. There is very strong pressure in traditional families for women to marry, especially past age 30. Biggest mistake of me life. I am divorced...thank God. That marriage stole 10 years of my life. A truly bad/mistake marriage is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

NP here. No, they won’t. They will know I stayed for YEARS in something that was never going to work. They will know there is nothing “to save” if it was never a good marriage or a bad match. They will not repeat the pattern of old-fashioned thinking ensuring a miserable life.

They will repeat the pattern of divorce though.

Maybe not. Maybe they will choose the right partner to begin with instead of staying for years due to pressure from other people. Personally, I hope they never get married at all. It has no advantage for women now whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two kids that will one day ask you why you are divorced. Even if they don't say it, they will one day wonder if you worked hard at saving your marriage.
Give it a year of personal and marriage counseling if you have any inkling of staying. Try to let go of the resentment and recognize that you probably weren't perfect either. After the year if you feel the same way, you can leave knowing that you tried.

+1
Sure my parents could have easily divorced because they weren't "happy". But now with kids of my own, and a DH that comes from a divorced home, I am overjoyed that my parents stuck it out, and continue to. It's truly one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

Co-parenting and being amicable for kids and not fighting and being depressed and miserable your entire life is the greatest gift you can give your kids...it is not marriage itself. This can happen in a marriage or divorce. Sounds like your parents marriage was not that bad if they stuck it out. Rarely people get divorced if it is just unhappiness...usually it is much worse...conflict, fighting, no shared life, no shared goals, no love or affection, mental illness, abuse, etc. Your anecdote of your parents staying together does not describe most marriages that end if divorce...and those that are necessary are much better than people staying miserable for life and having their kids repeat that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is incredibly common - one partner voices that they're unhappy and the other partner either doesn't realize how bad it is or doesn't care until it becomes clear that it's going to impact them negatively (divorce). By then the first partner is over it, and the second partner goes around telling people that the first partner refused to try.

This happened to me. Voiced my unhappiness and that I wasn't OK with certain behavior in the marriage. Did marital therapy. Said clearly and repeatedly that absent behavioral change, I would end the relationship. It didn't happen (over about 2.5 years), and when I ended the relationship, ex was surprised.

For about 2 years, he continued to try to get back together with me, but it was too late. I had already moved on. I also didn't want to live in a relationship in which I had to walk out the door to generate change.

Sad, but his loss.

Not sure what he tells other people, but also don't care.