I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have?

This. And how old are they now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you never announced you wanted to separate or divorce or even had a leading conversation, but now you're mad he's trying to improve a marriage he still thinks is solid?

The last couple times I approached him, I said that if things continue down this road I didn't know that I could keep going and that I thought it would lead to us divorcing. The thing is I did not actually WANT to divorce. I wanted to stay together. I don't believe in just threatening divorce. Even me mentioning the road to divorce a couple times did not seem to matter to him until I actually just stopped trying at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have?

This. And how old are they now?

2 kids that are 9 and 7

[Anonymous]

Saying this as someone who ended up separating from their spouse. I feel like 6 weeks of counseling isn't a whole lot; we spent over a year trying to work on our issues before realizing things were not reparable and parting ways. Had my STBXW made that same type of realization that your husband did 6 weeks in, I'd have been ecstatic.

[Anonymous]

I think this is the kind of thing you need to talk through with your therapist, maybe even one on one.

I really hated the love bank concept, but ultimately it worked to describe what was going on. Your love bank is depleted, and in order to move forward, he has to work to fill it again. It helpedmy husband really understand what was required of him. His love bank might be low, too, and so he might be thinking well what about me, but he has to understand exactly how low yours has gotten.

Essentially, you have to fall back in love with him. It's not an easy task.

I think it might be hard during covid (as opposed to pre covid when you could 'date' to recapture the love), but if he can do things that help you see him in a positive light, make you want ot spend time with him, maybe you can fall back in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying this as someone who ended up separating from their spouse. I feel like 6 weeks of counseling isn't a whole lot; we spent over a year trying to work on our issues before realizing things were not reparable and parting ways. Had my STBXW made that same type of realization that your husband did 6 weeks in, I'd have been ecstatic.

Thank you, I have heard that too, that it takes awhile especially when things have built up over many years of marriage. I do want to keep going but I also want to maximize the time we are there and try better to understand what I need to see/hear from him and what will help me let go of this resentment -- or make me realize that I can't. I am also in my own individual therapy and it feels like the more I center myself, what I want/need, what I deserve, and how I've been hurt, that I feel less able to move forward with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been there. To that place where after years and years of trying, to make our relationship work, of feeling like the only one in our marriage putting the effort into making it work, fighting, building up resentment, to finally getting to where I had given up. And it was only after getting to that place that my husband finally took notice and realized it was serious and required a difficult change within him to give our marriage a chance.

Honestly I didn't trust him to be able to make the change necessary to make it work. And I had so much resentment built up, from the hurt I've experienced over the years from him via neglect, ignoring everything about me, raging at me, being condescending toward me, mocking or criticizing my interests and beliefs, blaming me for his problems, refusing to engage in any kind of meaningful discussion beyond what he was interested in, and being generally unsupportive and discouraging of any endeavor I wanted to pursue. Every time he hurt me like that - it just kind of fractured our relationship more and more, and it's really hard to come back from that. I had put up a wall to protect myself - I stopped depending on him for any kind of emotional support or encouragement or participation in basic every day life stuff. Luckily I have solid good supportive friends. But it was extra hard during the pandemic not being able to see those friends in person.

Anyway we had a deep conversation - and he really reigned himself in from being defensive and he just listened, and I told him pretty much the above. And that the only way we have a chance was if I figure out a way to let go of this resentment I have toward him from all the hurt. And for him to stop doing all those things that were hurting me, and to make a conscientious effort to actually encourage me every day.

I don't have an answer for you, but we are working on it. I was skeptical but I can see that he's actually really trying and that for me, makes a world of a difference. And he really took everything I said to heart - as in he made an effort to understand what I was saying and absorb it. And he has not done that in all our years of marriage, so that was a big step. For him, for us. Good luck.

Thank you, and I'm sorry you had to go through this also. How long ago did you have that conversation with him? Do you find him reverting back to the "old ways"?

In the beginning of asking for therapy and everything I really wanted things to work out, now it is hard to see how I could feel love for him again without all this hurt clouding it.

The talk was recent, it's been less than a couple weeks so I think that it's too early to say. For now I am very cautiously optimistic, and realistically speaking, I think it's going to take a long time to rebuild our relationship.

[Anonymous]

I've been there. In my case, my husband had been in a prolonged clinical depression. He'd cycled with depression the entire time we'd been together (10 years) but this was the first time he refused efforts to address his depression, refused any attempt I made to help, refused joint counseling which had helped immensely in the past, and our home environment was no longer healthy for me or the kids. In fact, I 'caught' his depression, started taking an SSRI (wish I'd done that sooner) and was in individual counseling.

After 2 years, I finally realized it wasn't going to get any better and I needed to move on. I informed him I was seeking a divorce. And, of course, once he saw I was serious (don't know why he would think I wouldn't since I never threatened), he started getting his shit together. But, I was done. I had gotten to the point where I had accepted the marriage was over. I was ready to move on. Circumstances kept us in the same home for another 1.5 years and I had first hand knowledge that he was, in fact, was making the changes he needed to make.

We ended up NOT getting a divorce but our marriage hasn't been the same - and it's been 10 years since then. I'd say our marriage is good and I have no regrets that I stayed. There's a lot of love and there's no one I'd rather spend time with. But, I don't have the confidence I once had in it. I don't trust that things won't get bad again and I know that I can't endure another prolonged, untreated depressive state. I still have some resentment at his callousness (yes, I recognize he was depressed but that does not excuse his behavior nor does it mean that I wasn't grievously impacted by it). Our relationship is now like a mirror with a crack in the corner - no need to replace it but all it takes is one wrong tap and it will shatter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the kind of thing you need to talk through with your therapist, maybe even one on one.

I really hated the love bank concept, but ultimately it worked to describe what was going on. Your love bank is depleted, and in order to move forward, he has to work to fill it again. It helpedmy husband really understand what was required of him. His love bank might be low, too, and so he might be thinking well what about me, but he has to understand exactly how low yours has gotten.

Essentially, you have to fall back in love with him. It's not an easy task.

I think it might be hard during covid (as opposed to pre covid when you could 'date' to recapture the love), but if he can do things that help you see him in a positive light, make you want ot spend time with him, maybe you can fall back in love.

Thank you. I brought up in our last session that I am confused because even though I do think he has made some positive realizations about his previous mindset and how he's changed, and also how I appreciate the things he has been doing for house and kids, I am struggling with feeling like we are just friends and finding it hard to see how we can be a romantic partnership again. His response to that was mainly how he understands how I could feel that way and acknowledges his role in it getting to that point.

Maybe the love bank approach can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have?

This. And how old are they now?

2 kids that are 9 and 7

I would owe it to my kids to take him up on his change of heart. Sometimes it does take marriage partners seeing that somebody is going to truly walk before they realize how bad things are and how much you mean it. That can cause a true change of heart---the thought of a future without you and as a family.

The worst that can happen--whatever he does is not good enough and you know you did everything possible and can leave on good terms with no regrets.

I will say as somebody that has kids HS age, a lot of the marital issues take seed after kids are born and peak right around where you are now---they often are not permanent but many just bail thinking it will only get worse. Long marriages will have peaks and flows and if you work on it--can turn out better than you imagined. AS you move forward, the kids will take up less and less of your time and you will often start seeing your spouse differently...especially if you both commit to therapy and change which it sounds like he is finally on board with.

[Anonymous]

So what do you think is out there? They won't care about your kids and 2nd marriages are close to 70% divorce.

Unless it was really bad or abuse was involved I'd stay. Having your kids and grand-kids go to one home is ideal. Most of my 2nd married friends have many problems related to this they didn't see back in the day.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his fling dumped him and he's ready to check back in. I'd be super skeptical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying this as someone who ended up separating from their spouse. I feel like 6 weeks of counseling isn't a whole lot; we spent over a year trying to work on our issues before realizing things were not reparable and parting ways. Had my STBXW made that same type of realization that your husband did 6 weeks in, I'd have been ecstatic.

Thank you, I have heard that too, that it takes awhile especially when things have built up over many years of marriage. I do want to keep going but I also want to maximize the time we are there and try better to understand what I need to see/hear from him and what will help me let go of this resentment -- or make me realize that I can't. I am also in my own individual therapy and it feels like the more I center myself, what I want/need, what I deserve, and how I've been hurt, that I feel less able to move forward with him.

Do you also have an individual counselor for you? They may be able to help you work through some of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what do you think is out there? They won't care about your kids and 2nd marriages are close to 70% divorce.

Unless it was really bad or abuse was involved I'd stay. Having your kids and grand-kids go to one home is ideal. Most of my 2nd married friends have many problems related to this they didn't see back in the day.

Getting divorced doesn't mean one has to remarry. Plenty of people are fine with just dating or living alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying this as someone who ended up separating from their spouse. I feel like 6 weeks of counseling isn't a whole lot; we spent over a year trying to work on our issues before realizing things were not reparable and parting ways. Had my STBXW made that same type of realization that your husband did 6 weeks in, I'd have been ecstatic.

Thank you, I have heard that too, that it takes awhile especially when things have built up over many years of marriage. I do want to keep going but I also want to maximize the time we are there and try better to understand what I need to see/hear from him and what will help me let go of this resentment -- or make me realize that I can't. I am also in my own individual therapy and it feels like the more I center myself, what I want/need, what I deserve, and how I've been hurt, that I feel less able to move forward with him.

Do you also have an individual counselor for you? They may be able to help you work through some of this.

Lol. Reading comprehension is not my strong point today. Disregard.

Good luck, OP. It just takes time. Decide now whether you want to work at it or not. If you want to make it work, calendar for a year for now and see where huh are. If you don’t want to make it work, then use your time in counseling to help you come to terms with that and figure out next steps.