I grieved end of marriage, now he wants to work on it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what do you think is out there? They won't care about your kids and 2nd marriages are close to 70% divorce.

Unless it was really bad or abuse was involved I'd stay. Having your kids and grand-kids go to one home is ideal. Most of my 2nd married friends have many problems related to this they didn't see back in the day.

Getting divorced doesn't mean one has to remarry. Plenty of people are fine with just dating or living alone.

Usually that means the woman is being used for sex, and the man doesn't want to commit. But that is a nicer way of saying it...

[Anonymous]

What about a trial separation? Isn’t that what separation is for? Give him a year to get his act together and if not, make it permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what do you think is out there? They won't care about your kids and 2nd marriages are close to 70% divorce.

Unless it was really bad or abuse was involved I'd stay. Having your kids and grand-kids go to one home is ideal. Most of my 2nd married friends have many problems related to this they didn't see back in the day.

Getting divorced doesn't mean one has to remarry. Plenty of people are fine with just dating or living alone.

Usually that means the woman is being used for sex, and the man doesn't want to commit. But that is a nicer way of saying it...

Plenty of women don't want anything serious. Plenty of men do. And lots of in-between. "what's out there" should have no bearing on OP leaving or staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what do you think is out there? They won't care about your kids and 2nd marriages are close to 70% divorce.

Unless it was really bad or abuse was involved I'd stay. Having your kids and grand-kids go to one home is ideal. Most of my 2nd married friends have many problems related to this they didn't see back in the day.

Getting divorced doesn't mean one has to remarry. Plenty of people are fine with just dating or living alone.

Usually that means the woman is being used for sex, and the man doesn't want to commit. But that is a nicer way of saying it...

Plenty of women don't want anything serious. Plenty of men do. And lots of in-between. "what's out there" should have no bearing on OP leaving or staying.

+1. Two of my friends are divorced and neither has any interest in remarrying - they're both enjoying their freedom. Both have non-live-in boyfriends and fun social lives with friends.

[Anonymous]

So, you had some communication issues, talking things out didn't work, then between COVID and a huge professional issue your DH finally understood what was worth fighting for and now you're like "naw dude I'm done"? You sound like a real treat.

Look, if you had bailed before I'd almost get it, but you've got 2 young kids and kind of come off as not even willing to try. It's "oh too bad so sad now I'm done." Marriage is work. You need to try harder.

[Anonymous]

OK here's your 2ndhand marriage counseling from our therapist: your marriage IS over & you needed to grieve it anyways. Post rupture you will or will not choose to start a new marriage. What you had before is gone (the ease that one PP described, having full confidence in your marriage). if you are ok with trying for a better/new marriage (and I would think that you'd be game since you have 2 young kids & there were no abuse/fidelity issues?) then try to just see it this way. Might help you. Helped me.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is work. With kids and a husband willing to put in an effort, I would at least give counseling a shot, if only to feel confident down the road that you did everything you could to save the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also feel mildly offended/annoyed that even our therapy and working on the relationship ended up being on his terms.

I think this is a valid way to feel. My DH after YEARS of engaging in really pretty bad and neglectful behavior all of a sudden wants to "work on things." I had begged him to go to therapy when it all started happening, and he refused. So yeah, I feel like it makes sense to wonder what magically changed, and why your feelings were dismissed before. It's a conversation you should have, because it could be a pattern that impacts other areas in your relationship.

But, It sounds like he's being genuine in wanting to work on things, and it's actually psychologically very predictable that you would experience this role reversal and be the reluctant one, and also be knocked off center a bit by suddenly having your role change. So for that reason, I would try to wait things out for a while and not take your feeling of reluctance now to be the ultimate truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying this as someone who ended up separating from their spouse. I feel like 6 weeks of counseling isn't a whole lot; we spent over a year trying to work on our issues before realizing things were not reparable and parting ways. Had my STBXW made that same type of realization that your husband did 6 weeks in, I'd have been ecstatic.

Thank you, I have heard that too, that it takes awhile especially when things have built up over many years of marriage. I do want to keep going but I also want to maximize the time we are there and try better to understand what I need to see/hear from him and what will help me let go of this resentment -- or make me realize that I can't. I am also in my own individual therapy and it feels like the more I center myself, what I want/need, what I deserve, and how I've been hurt, that I feel less able to move forward with him.

*armchair psychologist here.* why do you have to "let go of the resentment"? maybe it's how you react to the resentment, and not the resentment itself. the resentment may be telling you something about what you need and what's happening to you.

[Anonymous]

This is life, OP.

DH and I survived a few phases like this, and right now are in a good phase of our relationship. I can't say we won't go through another such bad phase. But I've learned from past phases that for us at least, these are not divorce-worthy.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same situation OP. It makes my blood boil every time I think about my husband deciding on HIS terms (as always) to salvage the marriage. I fell out of love with him ages ago. He was a self-centered emotionally abusive prick. And yet, I am terrified to leave because he is doing the work. I almost want him to revert so I can justify leaving. But I'm not in love with him. His touch makes me tense up. I'm almost mad at myself for giving him a chance. I had more momentum pre-Covid.
No advice. Just commiseration.
and I hate all these stay married for the kids BS responses. Why is marriage the be-all/end-all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also feel mildly offended/annoyed that even our therapy and working on the relationship ended up being on his terms.

Sounds like a lot of the relationship was on his terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same situation OP. It makes my blood boil every time I think about my husband deciding on HIS terms (as always) to salvage the marriage. I fell out of love with him ages ago. He was a self-centered emotionally abusive prick. And yet, I am terrified to leave because he is doing the work. I almost want him to revert so I can justify leaving. But I'm not in love with him. His touch makes me tense up. I'm almost mad at myself for giving him a chance. I had more momentum pre-Covid.
No advice. Just commiseration.
and I hate all these stay married for the kids BS responses. Why is marriage the be-all/end-all?

This poster (not OP) is beyond all hope. Don't prolong the torture. Just initiate divorce proceedings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same situation OP. It makes my blood boil every time I think about my husband deciding on HIS terms (as always) to salvage the marriage. I fell out of love with him ages ago. He was a self-centered emotionally abusive prick. And yet, I am terrified to leave because he is doing the work. I almost want him to revert so I can justify leaving. But I'm not in love with him. His touch makes me tense up. I'm almost mad at myself for giving him a chance. I had more momentum pre-Covid.
No advice. Just commiseration.
and I hate all these stay married for the kids BS responses. Why is marriage the be-all/end-all?

This poster (not OP) is beyond all hope. Don't prolong the torture. Just initiate divorce proceedings.

I posted the comment to which you responded and I want to thank you. I am almost seeking permission to leave. My resentment is right under the surface and I am sometimes horrified by the things I say and think about someone I used to love so much. So thank you for pointing out the obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same situation OP. It makes my blood boil every time I think about my husband deciding on HIS terms (as always) to salvage the marriage. I fell out of love with him ages ago. He was a self-centered emotionally abusive prick. And yet, I am terrified to leave because he is doing the work. I almost want him to revert so I can justify leaving. But I'm not in love with him. His touch makes me tense up. I'm almost mad at myself for giving him a chance. I had more momentum pre-Covid.
No advice. Just commiseration.
and I hate all these stay married for the kids BS responses. Why is marriage the be-all/end-all?

This poster (not OP) is beyond all hope. Don't prolong the torture. Just initiate divorce proceedings.

I posted the comment to which you responded and I want to thank you. I am almost seeking permission to leave. My resentment is right under the surface and I am sometimes horrified by the things I say and think about someone I used to love so much. So thank you for pointing out the obvious.

+1 You shouldn't be in a relationship where someone's touch makes you tense up. I give you permission to end it. Hugs.