What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I’m done with my MIL and SIL. They’ve both been nothing but rude and distant. I’ve never felt involved in the family due to them. DH always makes excuses for their behaviour but he’s never around when they do the things they do.

As petty as it is, yesterday was the final straw for me. I have so much built up irritation due to years of dealing with them and I guess this one silly thing has just pushed me over my limit. I just went over to visit them at SIL’s house yesterday with our 2 children. DH was already there. As I walked in to the kitchen, DH asks MIL to make her famous lasagna for supper, she then says to my SIL quietly, “No thanks, there are too many people here. I don’t like cooking around too many people” and then jokingly smacks SIL’s leg as they silently laugh with each other. Of course, DH didn’t hear and made up an excuse for this on the drive home. DH wants me to go back over on the weekend for MIL’s birthday. I do not want to. It’s so hard to deal with this. I feel so awkward being there.

How am I supposed to deal with this? Their behaviour is subtle enough that I would look like the bad guy if I stopped going around.

Look, you are going to get some responses that tell you to let your DH just go and also your kids. I was in a similar situation and took that advice bc as long as I didn't go, then everything would be ok, right? Just to save you some future problems with this option is that it won't be that cut and dry. A couple of things will start to happen...

1. It will create a weird dynamic where your DH/kids will be influenced by MIL/SIL without your presence. They will create a you vs. them dynamic. Since you aren't going, your DH will use this "against you" slightly and the effect they have on him will be even stronger. If that effect is antagonistic towards you in anyway it will just intensify and MIL/SIL WILL bring it up slightly to your kids things like ..."where's Mommy?"

2. Since you are not there they will start sending things home with your DH/kids and you will start getting really aggravated by these "gifts."

3. There is no easy answer, personally we just had to stop visiting and it's made a world of a difference in our lives. We have love, peace and harmony without all of these side agendas and aggressions. My opinion is that if it is effecting your marriage and your quality of life and doesn't serve your family, then you should try to cut it out or reduce as much contact as possible.

[Anonymous]

Op there will be people that will tell you its family, that's what family do, put up with it for family. No you don't have to be treated poorly by anyone. Dysfunctional relationships rarely get better.

I think you need to sort out what works for you. Definitely learn to be assertive and call them out straight away. Don't rely on Dh to stand up for you, he won't see it.

Limit contact. See if changing things works for you. Perhaps see MIL by herself without SIL there. Have dinner at a restaurant, not at MILs house, so somewhere neutral. Drop the mid week drop in's, let DH handle those. Perhaps go for important events only. Let Dh take the kids sometimes while you relax at home and other times DH goes alone. Find what works for you. The big thing is to not take the snarky little comments, call them out straight away, politely but firmly. Perhaps it may be something that you see them separately so they don't gang up and act with mean girl behaviour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Declining a birthday event would be extremely aggressive. If you truly want to change the relationship, go to the birthday and other special events/holidays (the big stuff) and just stop swinging by on random weeknights.

Why is it aggressive to decline an invitation to a birthday party you don't want attend?

Because it’s her husbands mother, and her trigger will have been a dispute over lasagna.

Saying that not attending your MIL's birthday party is "aggressive" is along the same lines as saying not making lasagna is aggressive.

Declining someone’s birthday invite is a big deal whether she is your girlfriend or a relative.

It’s naive at best to think that OP’s husband wouldn’t be upset with her that she refuses to attend over something minor like this. Even OP acknowledges that the behavior is “subtle” enough that she risks looking like the “bad guy.”

Even if you think MIL is mean here, and I would have needed more examples to be persuaded of that, then allowing yourself to look like you are overreacting is a trap.

None of this would matter if this were some random woman OP knows. The issue is that it’s going to cause conflict with her spouse. That’s why I would quietly stop coming by rather than sending an overt message by not attending the birthday.

Well said, particularly the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

[Anonymous]

I totally get it OP. Totally. And then when you try to explain it to other people they think YOU are the crazy one. I had a friend flat out call my MIL’ behavior and comments to me as “mean” and that was a revelation. She IS mean- with a smile on her face.
I avoid her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

Very good. I can't think of anyone in my life with whom I don't get along with or would act rude to. As for my brother's wife, she has actually told people I am one of her closest friends. I actually despise my her but she would never know it from the way I act around her. Some of you are just very immature and insecure. It doesn't take a lot to get along with other people but it does mean you have to make a modicum of effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

Very good. I can't think of anyone in my life with whom I don't get along with or would act rude to. As for my brother's wife, she has actually told people I am one of her closest friends. I actually despise my her but she would never know it from the way I act around her. Some of you are just very immature and insecure. It doesn't take a lot to get along with other people but it does mean you have to make a modicum of effort.

Oh, so you are two-faced. That clarifies everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe you were upset by the lasagna comment.

This whole story is extremely weird. It takes like 90 minutes at least to make lasagna, and who has the ingredients for it just on hand randomly?

If MIL was going to make lasagna, she would have made it before hand, not on demand because DH asked for it.

How long was this visit intended to be and at what time did DH ask for this lasagna? So did you just not end up getting anything to eat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

Very good. I can't think of anyone in my life with whom I don't get along with or would act rude to. As for my brother's wife, she has actually told people I am one of her closest friends. I actually despise my her but she would never know it from the way I act around her. Some of you are just very immature and insecure. It doesn't take a lot to get along with other people but it does mean you have to make a modicum of effort.

Oh, so you are two-faced. That clarifies everything.

I agree it does not reflect positively on you that someone you "despise" considers you a close friend. Not sure you should be giving out relationship advice - most people don't want those types of relationships!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

Very good. I can't think of anyone in my life with whom I don't get along with or would act rude to. As for my brother's wife, she has actually told people I am one of her closest friends. I actually despise my her but she would never know it from the way I act around her. Some of you are just very immature and insecure. It doesn't take a lot to get along with other people but it does mean you have to make a modicum of effort.

Oh, so you are two-faced. That clarifies everything.

Ha! Nope. I just get along with people. I know how to make conversation. I know how to listen. I know how to be tolerant. These are all qualities you need to learn yourself. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe you were upset by the lasagna comment.

This whole story is extremely weird. It takes like 90 minutes at least to make lasagna, and who has the ingredients for it just on hand randomly?

If MIL was going to make lasagna, she would have made it before hand, not on demand because DH asked for it.

How long was this visit intended to be and at what time did DH ask for this lasagna? So did you just not end up getting anything to eat?

I didn't think about it but this makes a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

This is terrible to model for your own kids. They will watch and learn, and you will receive this back when they have their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's about the kids being around--are they well behaved or running around wild? Maybe that's it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

This is terrible to model for your own kids. They will watch and learn, and you will receive this back when they have their own kids.

Completely agree. What a malicious and vindictive person the first poster is. Her kids are noticing I am sure. Notice how she isn't even interacting with her own kids for their ECs since she has "tasked" her DH with that. I feel really sorry for her kids. They didn't even stand a chance of knowing what normal is.

[Anonymous]

Question for OP - did you and the kids just drop in on MIL or did you make plans and she knew you were on your way? I would be offended at the comment if we made plans for dinner, but much less so if I dropped in unannounced.