What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I’m done with my MIL and SIL. They’ve both been nothing but rude and distant. I’ve never felt involved in the family due to them. DH always makes excuses for their behaviour but he’s never around when they do the things they do.

As petty as it is, yesterday was the final straw for me. I have so much built up irritation due to years of dealing with them and I guess this one silly thing has just pushed me over my limit. I just went over to visit them at SIL’s house yesterday with our 2 children. DH was already there. As I walked in to the kitchen, DH asks MIL to make her famous lasagna for supper, she then says to my SIL quietly, “No thanks, there are too many people here. I don’t like cooking around too many people” and then jokingly smacks SIL’s leg as they silently laugh with each other. Of course, DH didn’t hear and made up an excuse for this on the drive home. DH wants me to go back over on the weekend for MIL’s birthday. I do not want to. It’s so hard to deal with this. I feel so awkward being there.

How am I supposed to deal with this? Their behaviour is subtle enough that I would look like the bad guy if I stopped going around.

My MIL is somewhat like this and I am very grateful that she doesn't have a daughter. A SIL like her would have been too much.

I listened to my MIL's passive-aggressive comments for too long and found it hard to navigate because she was super sweet in front of people. But then something in me changed & decided enough is enough.

What I'd suggest is to stop complaining to your husband. He is not going to be helpful, it'll just create stress in your relationship. Next time they say something snarky like that, keep a straight face or smile a little and ask- "Hey, what was that MIL? Let me in on the joke." Let THEM explain and put them on the spot. Don't make it a fight, just show them that you have a voice and you are doing taking their shit. Make yourself scarce, plan things before she does, so you don't have to go to her place too often. I'd say you'll probably have to go to the birthday, but if it's not an occasion, then just say I don't feel like going, no explanations. If it's awkward there, figure out things to do. Go out to pick up the cake and take your time, take a book to read, or schedule a call with a friend so you can step outside and have something to do. But most of all, call them out, on their faces, right there and then, but with a smile.

[Anonymous]

I've done what 09:49 did. I totally get the micro-aggressions. And, I understand that people who have no experience with it don't get it and dismiss it. I feel OP's frustration with the situation and her DH. It sucks. For me, I decided I no longer wanted to live with simmering resentment that would occasionally boil over. I chose to disengage and no longer invest any time/energy in people who treated me so poorly. I wouldn't tolerate that behavior in 'friends', why would I tolerate it in 'family'.

Like 9:49, I stopped attending any family events, routed all communications to DH, did not purchase any gifts (although set up calendar reminders for DH for birthdays/anniversaries) and allowed him to take the kids if he went to visit his family (who are all local). Like 9:49, my kids learned that side of family did not treat people well and when they hit 9th grade, DH stopped making them go with him - even though that cuts into 'me time', I think they're old enough to decide.

As DH's side of the family has gotten older, DH pushed for me to try again - and I've attended a few events. But, inevitably, good behavior doesn't last long so I don't bother any more. It is so very freeing not to have to deal with it any more. Maintaining a positive, civil demeanor while interacting with them required huge amounts of energy and the resentment that I felt towards DH in not having my back on this did our relationship no good. It wasn't until after DH's parents were dead for a few years that he finally acknowledged that things weren't good for me and he apologized. Meh. I think he knew deep down, even back then, that it wasn't right but I don't dwell on it. Relationships are package deals and we came to an acceptable accommodation on this issue that it didn't break our relationship. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd just move your relationship into more of a grey rock. Meaning: share less of yourself, ask less of them.

So stopping by their house on a random weeknight with your children? No. If DH wants to take them, that's fine. Enjoy an evening on your own. I limit random visits with my MIL and SIL too. I just turn down various smaller gatherings, but do attend bigger ones. So for a birthday, I attend. But for a random weekend visit, I pass.

Especially during pandemic times, no one seems to care much if there are less people. Also, I almost never get alone time anymore, so the rare mornings my DH takes the kids to see his parents sound AWESOME to me. Pre-covid I was more protective of my weekend time with my kids, since we worked all week. But now, I see them A LOT, so having the time alone is really valuable.

It sounds like you need to lower your expectations about your relationship. Be cordial and polite, but maybe a little less friendly and more reserved. Don't offer personal details about yourself. Keep it generic and surface level.

It's been 10 years for me and I still slip up and get too personal here or there, and I almost always regret it. Their reaction is almost always some sort of barely paying attention or straight up ignoring and I get my feelings hurt. Even if it was something silly! So I find just holding back better all around because I'm not setting both sides up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you do: You stop being around them anymore.

Don't go to their houses.

Don't allow them at your house.

Let your husband and kids spend as much time with them as they want, but you stay away from them.

There, that's the answer.

This. I showed up for holidays, and mil bday. But otherwise, didn’t go to her home or on outings with her. Dh and ds spent plenty of quality time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what you do: You stop being around them anymore.

Don't go to their houses.

Don't allow them at your house.

Let your husband and kids spend as much time with them as they want, but you stay away from them.

There, that's the answer.

This!

[Anonymous]

Don't go to her house, don't call her, don't take the kids to see her, don't buy gifts for her. Let DH do all of that. Just drop the rope. It is so much easier.

Life is too short for that sort of BS treatment. You will feel so much better being away from it.

I see MIL on DH's birthday and one holiday so twice a year. You don't have to go for her her birthday just tell DH to go and enjoy himself. You don't have to sit there and be mistreated or try with people that are rude to you, you wouldn't put up with this from friends your Inlaws are no different.

[Anonymous]

OP, "how you deal with it" is:
You drive yourself, so you always have your own way home
You decide how much time you will spend there
You can leave, politely excuse yourself, when you want to leave

You don't cause drama (doesn't sound like you do)
You don't expect anything from your DH, but you are entitled to decide for yourself re: visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

No it doesn’t. But OP has a husband problem because if he can’t see the petty s**** they do and he doesn’t address it then the problem is with him.

[Anonymous]

Life is too short to be unhappy in any way. You are not obligated to make yourself miserable by spending time with people who are rude and unkind to you. I will not ever go to my MIL's and SIL's house again for any reason. The way I see it is, they have made it obvious that they really don't like me or whatever so it makes no sense for me to go to their homes. After all, I know I would prefer that they not come to mine. I think it's the most respectful approach all the way around.

At first, my dh tried to persuade me to change my mind and tell me that I misunderstood, etc. Nope. Respect and kindness are very clear and when people are genuine there is no confusion or misunderstanding about intention.

This decision has relieved so much stress for me. I'm not ever going and it's not up for discussion and we are all clear on it.

[Anonymous]

Op some people won't get it and that's ok. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone but yourself. If you feel something is off then it's off. The thing is you don't have to be around people that are nasty to you, you really don't.

It's ok for you to decide that respect and kindness are a must for the relationships in your life. If people are incapable of giving that it's ok to walk away.

You don't need to be dramatic about it or even have your DH's approval or validation, just work out what boundaries YOU are comfortable with and do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd just move your relationship into more of a grey rock. Meaning: share less of yourself, ask less of them.

So stopping by their house on a random weeknight with your children? No. If DH wants to take them, that's fine. Enjoy an evening on your own. I limit random visits with my MIL and SIL too. I just turn down various smaller gatherings, but do attend bigger ones. So for a birthday, I attend. But for a random weekend visit, I pass.

Especially during pandemic times, no one seems to care much if there are less people. Also, I almost never get alone time anymore, so the rare mornings my DH takes the kids to see his parents sound AWESOME to me. Pre-covid I was more protective of my weekend time with my kids, since we worked all week. But now, I see them A LOT, so having the time alone is really valuable.

It sounds like you need to lower your expectations about your relationship. Be cordial and polite, but maybe a little less friendly and more reserved. Don't offer personal details about yourself. Keep it generic and surface level.

It's been 10 years for me and I still slip up and get too personal here or there, and I almost always regret it. Their reaction is almost always some sort of barely paying attention or straight up ignoring and I get my feelings hurt. Even if it was something silly! So I find just holding back better all around because I'm not setting both sides up for failure.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can't believe you were upset by the lasagna comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That makes no sense whatsoever. Why would saying she doesn’t want to make lasagna when you’re there be a micro aggression? Do you criticize how she cooks?

No, never. She knows that I love her cooking. She always cooks for people. She just said this to be mean because once my children and I got there, there were “too many people”. She didn’t cook at all. It was the smack to her daughter’s leg and giggle between them that was what bothered me mainly. They go out of their way to make me feel unwelcomed.

It's really ok for your MIL to not want to cook for a crowd one evening without its being a slight against you. I think you are being overly sensitive, at least in this one example.