What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

This is terrible to model for your own kids. They will watch and learn, and you will receive this back when they have their own kids.

Completely agree. What a malicious and vindictive person the first poster is. Her kids are noticing I am sure. Notice how she isn't even interacting with her own kids for their ECs since she has "tasked" her DH with that. I feel really sorry for her kids. They didn't even stand a chance of knowing what normal is.

Yeah, that PP is going to find her grandkids cut off from her some day and will not understand why.

[Anonymous]

I totally get it. Not even passive-aggressive just plain rude. Acting like she is in middle school. Don't go there. Don't visit them. Use that time for yourself. Nasty biatches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it. Not even passive-aggressive just plain rude. Acting like she is in middle school. Don't go there. Don't visit them. Use that time for yourself. Nasty biatches.

IF OP feels it was a dig, and was the "last straw" it probably was.

Maybe they wanted DH without her.

My DH & MIL were besties and she relied on him for emotional support. Sometimes I made up excuses to not go to be with them so they could still have 1:1 time.
Now that she has passed, I am glad to let some of that stuff go in the moment.

However, there was ganging up and mean girl crap and if you sense it, it is probably real.

I love the "me day" idea. Sounds like they have some weird reason to keep you outside.

I watch a show on Facebook by a comedian called One Funny Mother. She literally has a mom shirt that says, "Done" so I bought 2.
You may want to wear it to their house, as a rebuttal.

Check her inventory. It is therapeutic.

Take a break from these women.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband defind you, by any chance? Do you have a "code word" for when they are doing that?

OKLAHOMA!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

I’m like this. In-laws favored the other grandchildren and barely know my kids even though we live 20 minutes away. I feel like an outsider whenever I get together with MIL, FIL, and the siblings-in-law. DH gets along great with them but is not proactive about keeping in touch or reaching out. I used to buy the Christmas and birthday gifts/cards but don’t do so anymore. He cannot remember his mom’s birthday, Mother’s Day, whatever else. I gleefully let him forget now and his dad will call to remind him and I just let it go to voicemail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

This is terrible to model for your own kids. They will watch and learn, and you will receive this back when they have their own kids.

Completely agree. What a malicious and vindictive person the first poster is. Her kids are noticing I am sure. Notice how she isn't even interacting with her own kids for their ECs since she has "tasked" her DH with that. I feel really sorry for her kids. They didn't even stand a chance of knowing what normal is.

Or - hear me out, though this may sound crazy - you could just not be a vile witch to the person your child chooses to marry! And none of this will be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

Very good. I can't think of anyone in my life with whom I don't get along with or would act rude to. As for my brother's wife, she has actually told people I am one of her closest friends. I actually despise my her but she would never know it from the way I act around her. Some of you are just very immature and insecure. It doesn't take a lot to get along with other people but it does mean you have to make a modicum of effort.

Oh, so you are two-faced. That clarifies everything.

Ha! Nope. I just get along with people. I know how to make conversation. I know how to listen. I know how to be tolerant. These are all qualities you need to learn yourself. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

Uh... you lie to their faces and pretend to be interested in their lives. In reality you hate them. Yuck.

Op/pp doesn't need luck, just fewer toxic persons such as yourself around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

This is terrible to model for your own kids. They will watch and learn, and you will receive this back when they have their own kids.

Completely agree. What a malicious and vindictive person the first poster is. Her kids are noticing I am sure. Notice how she isn't even interacting with her own kids for their ECs since she has "tasked" her DH with that. I feel really sorry for her kids. They didn't even stand a chance of knowing what normal is.

Or - hear me out, though this may sound crazy - you could just not be a vile witch to the person your child chooses to marry! And none of this will be an issue.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

I disagree with PP, OP. Years of shitty micro aggressions like that? They were both probably the nasty mean girls at school and weren't human enough to grow out of it. Some people get off on being exclusionary because it makes them feel important and I could see how this behavior would be hurtful when all you're trying to do is have a family dinner. It sounds exhausting.

+1

Well said. OP, who needs that immature company? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

I will be honest I have literally no idea what was wrong about your example. But I do understand that sometimes these dynamics can layer upon each other and become more and more toxic.

It sounds like you are reading the absolute worst possible motivation for everything they do.

I would just emotionally disengage and attend 50% less things and just be civil but distant when in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL are actually shitty to her all the time .

Unless....... Her MIL and SIL actually don't like her and chose to be catty or passive aggressive.

Unless....... It has been years and years of subtle, or not-so-subtle, exclusion, back handed comments, pointed mean comments.

I think the PP's who dismiss this out of hand are probably the exact kind of shitty people who do these things to others and gaslight anyone who points out said shitty behavior as petty, immature, unacceptable...

Look, I read her post and I don't like her either. From reading her post there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is an annoying, sniveling, whiner. I don't blame her MIL or SIL for not wanting her to be around. So, yes, she should just stop going. She can blame them and feel good about herself while not realizing that she really is the problem, not them.

My dad has a saying that every time you point a finger at someone else you need to look at your pointing had because there are three fingers pointing right back at you. At this point if someone comes in to this thread and puts up an OP like the one here that's the first thing I think is, oh, look, another person who can't get along with other people and who thinks it is all the other people's fault.

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

Very good. I can't think of anyone in my life with whom I don't get along with or would act rude to. As for my brother's wife, she has actually told people I am one of her closest friends. I actually despise my her but she would never know it from the way I act around her. Some of you are just very immature and insecure. It doesn't take a lot to get along with other people but it does mean you have to make a modicum of effort.

Oh, so you are two-faced. That clarifies everything.

Ha! Nope. I just get along with people. I know how to make conversation. I know how to listen. I know how to be tolerant. These are all qualities you need to learn yourself. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

Uh... you lie to their faces and pretend to be interested in their lives. In reality you hate them. Yuck.

Op/pp doesn't need luck, just fewer toxic persons such as yourself around.

Well bless your heart. I guess you've never learned that people reflect how you make them feel about themselves. Basically it is a mirror situation. So if I speak with you and am agreeable and pleasant then you'll generally have a good perception of me. If I speak with you and I'm nasty then generally you'll have a bad perception of me. We don't all have to agree with one another to get along.

In my case I don't like my SIL's value system and I think she is a bad parent (as is my brother btw). However I realized long ago that I can be more influential in helping her become a better parent if I am nice to her and if I act supportive. I do see positive changes in their child-raising techniques so I am happy about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

This is terrible to model for your own kids. They will watch and learn, and you will receive this back when they have their own kids.

Completely agree. What a malicious and vindictive person the first poster is. Her kids are noticing I am sure. Notice how she isn't even interacting with her own kids for their ECs since she has "tasked" her DH with that. I feel really sorry for her kids. They didn't even stand a chance of knowing what normal is.

Or - hear me out, though this may sound crazy - you could just not be a vile witch to the person your child chooses to marry! And none of this will be an issue.

+1

Look at the first poster's description of her husband. Does that really sound like she likes and respects her husband? Not.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a mean girl SIL and occasionally MIL will join in and gang up. Some things happened so I put my foot down. Literally don’t care one way or the other about most of them now except my MIL and it’s very freeing. Stop trying to be liked or please them, they will always be unsatisfied. And don’t plan your or your kids schedule around thier crap. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd just move your relationship into more of a grey rock. Meaning: share less of yourself, ask less of them.

So stopping by their house on a random weeknight with your children? No. If DH wants to take them, that's fine. Enjoy an evening on your own. I limit random visits with my MIL and SIL too. I just turn down various smaller gatherings, but do attend bigger ones. So for a birthday, I attend. But for a random weekend visit, I pass.

Especially during pandemic times, no one seems to care much if there are less people. Also, I almost never get alone time anymore, so the rare mornings my DH takes the kids to see his parents sound AWESOME to me. Pre-covid I was more protective of my weekend time with my kids, since we worked all week. But now, I see them A LOT, so having the time alone is really valuable.

It sounds like you need to lower your expectations about your relationship. Be cordial and polite, but maybe a little less friendly and more reserved. Don't offer personal details about yourself. Keep it generic and surface level.

It's been 10 years for me and I still slip up and get too personal here or there, and I almost always regret it. Their reaction is almost always some sort of barely paying attention or straight up ignoring and I get my feelings hurt. Even if it was something silly! So I find just holding back better all around because I'm not setting both sides up for failure.

I am in a similar situation OP and this PP is pretty spot on to what I do. I let DH know that I planned to dial waaaaay back on the visits and now just attend events that seem necessary - birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc. I see her 3-4x/year and every time is quite polite and friendly, but distant. She's of the face-saving type so this works for her. The tension she and I had in the past always put a strain on DH (not to mention hearing the complaints from both of us) so we are all happier when I don't attend the random visits here and there. Don't listen to the folks who don't get it - be happy fo rhtem that they don't - and do what is going to create better balance and peace for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I’m done with my MIL and SIL. They’ve both been nothing but rude and distant. I’ve never felt involved in the family due to them. DH always makes excuses for their behaviour but he’s never around when they do the things they do.

As petty as it is, yesterday was the final straw for me. I have so much built up irritation due to years of dealing with them and I guess this one silly thing has just pushed me over my limit. I just went over to visit them at SIL’s house yesterday with our 2 children. DH was already there. As I walked in to the kitchen, DH asks MIL to make her famous lasagna for supper, she then says to my SIL quietly, “No thanks, there are too many people here. I don’t like cooking around too many people” and then jokingly smacks SIL’s leg as they silently laugh with each other. Of course, DH didn’t hear and made up an excuse for this on the drive home. DH wants me to go back over on the weekend for MIL’s birthday. I do not want to. It’s so hard to deal with this. I feel so awkward being there.

How am I supposed to deal with this? Their behaviour is subtle enough that I would look like the bad guy if I stopped going around.

UGH! Hugs OP.