What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, I’m done with my MIL and SIL. They’ve both been nothing but rude and distant. I’ve never felt involved in the family due to them. DH always makes excuses for their behaviour but he’s never around when they do the things they do.

As petty as it is, yesterday was the final straw for me. I have so much built up irritation due to years of dealing with them and I guess this one silly thing has just pushed me over my limit. I just went over to visit them at SIL’s house yesterday with our 2 children. DH was already there. As I walked in to the kitchen, DH asks MIL to make her famous lasagna for supper, she then says to my SIL quietly, “No thanks, there are too many people here. I don’t like cooking around too many people” and then jokingly smacks SIL’s leg as they silently laugh with each other. Of course, DH didn’t hear and made up an excuse for this on the drive home. DH wants me to go back over on the weekend for MIL’s birthday. I do not want to. It’s so hard to deal with this. I feel so awkward being there.

How am I supposed to deal with this? Their behaviour is subtle enough that I would look like the bad guy if I stopped going around.

[Anonymous]

You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

I disagree with PP, OP. Years of shitty micro aggressions like that? They were both probably the nasty mean girls at school and weren't human enough to grow out of it. Some people get off on being exclusionary because it makes them feel important and I could see how this behavior would be hurtful when all you're trying to do is have a family dinner. It sounds exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Here is what you do: You stop being around them anymore.

Don't go to their houses.

Don't allow them at your house.

Let your husband and kids spend as much time with them as they want, but you stay away from them.

There, that's the answer.

[Anonymous]

That makes no sense whatsoever. Why would saying she doesn’t want to make lasagna when you’re there be a micro aggression? Do you criticize how she cooks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That makes no sense whatsoever. Why would saying she doesn’t want to make lasagna when you’re there be a micro aggression? Do you criticize how she cooks?

No, never. She knows that I love her cooking. She always cooks for people. She just said this to be mean because once my children and I got there, there were “too many people”. She didn’t cook at all. It was the smack to her daughter’s leg and giggle between them that was what bothered me mainly. They go out of their way to make me feel unwelcomed.

[Anonymous]

Can't stand my ILs also. I focus on the kids, or do my own thing (go for a run followed by a long shower), read a book, etc. Be civil and polite, but don't let their being petty take up space in your head, it just isn't worth the energy and you will find it freeing.

[Anonymous]

Please clarify. Were you actually INVITED for dinner ? If you believe your MIL and SIL are mean girls, don’t visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

x1000 OP would make me crazy. Too much navel gazing and lack of self-awareness. Sheesh. How does she even survive in the real world?

[Anonymous]

Op, i really don't get the problem. Your example is odd to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

I disagree with PP, OP. Years of shitty micro aggressions like that? They were both probably the nasty mean girls at school and weren't human enough to grow out of it. Some people get off on being exclusionary because it makes them feel important and I could see how this behavior would be hurtful when all you're trying to do is have a family dinner. It sounds exhausting.

I agree.

OP, just find reasons not to go. Let DH and the kids go on their own. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

OP, disengage. Be polite but disengage completely.
I did the same for my MIL and SIL. Started to send my DH with the kids and the kids soon realized that MIL prefered the other grandkids. I used the time DH and kids went to visit ILs as my "me time" and I was pretty happy with it. I would also check up several times with the kids and hubby on phone (and MIL would eavesdrop) and my phone calls would make her defensive and nasty and she would roll her eyes. My kids basically resented her behavior and started calling her 'mean' in front of DH.

My kids are teens and tweens and since they hate going to ILs, they have completely stopped going there. Thanks to them, my DH is now indifferent to ILs too. He has wised up to how they are nicer to SIL's family. Yes, he would not have believed me about the microaggressions but he is more willing to listen to the kids. MIL basically has completely destroyed the relationship and my entire family - kids, DH and me - are now closer to my side of the family. She is trying to make amends now but it is too late. She lost any relationship with her son and I am not shedding tears for her. The last time my DH saw them (and they are 20 minutes away) was on 23rd December 2019!

All of this only came about because I very clearly told my DH that I am not willing to have any relationship with his side of the family, but I will be polite. I excused myself from all gatherings. My DH was clueless about taking care of our children at his parents home, and probably my SIL and MIL did not like the burden of taking care of my kids and so were invariably short with them. So it all worked out great in the end!

MIL actually recently cried to her sister about the break in the family and so the sister called me to talk to me about it. I told her that I have not been in touch with my ILs for more than 7 years and so I have no idea why my DH is not talking to them. Besides, as the kids have grown up, they have so many ECs scheduled in the weekends that they don't have the time for anything else and my DH is tasked with ferrying them around. Since I am not making the 'family time" happen and carrying the mental burden of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc anymore, my DH seems to be completely unable to handle all of that and my kids EC activities. So he is never able to coordinate anything with ILs and my kids. It is delicious to watch. I don't say anything but I don't help at all. For me they basically do not exist and I am in a very zen place with all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That makes no sense whatsoever. Why would saying she doesn’t want to make lasagna when you’re there be a micro aggression? Do you criticize how she cooks?

No, never. She knows that I love her cooking. She always cooks for people. She just said this to be mean because once my children and I got there, there were “too many people”. She didn’t cook at all. It was the smack to her daughter’s leg and giggle between them that was what bothered me mainly. They go out of their way to make me feel unwelcomed.

Are you sure? I know if someone had been rude and distant with me for years, I'd certainly be cold and distant back. I can't imagine declaring my love for someone's cooking who treated me like shit. Honestly, the problem is with your DH. Why is he constantly making excuses for them and ignoring your feelings? IIs this behavior typical of him? I think if you fix the issues with your dh then the problems MIL and SIL will fall into place.

[Anonymous]

You can set some boundaries OP, but if you decide to never see them again over the comment in the kitchen, then you'll be the crazy one.

Just limit your time with them without cutting them out.

Shrug when they do stupid stuff. I mean that comment is weird, but who cares?

If they're good to your kids, keep the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?

I disagree with PP, OP. Years of shitty micro aggressions like that? They were both probably the nasty mean girls at school and weren't human enough to grow out of it. Some people get off on being exclusionary because it makes them feel important and I could see how this behavior would be hurtful when all you're trying to do is have a family dinner. It sounds exhausting.

I agree.

OP, just find reasons not to go. Let DH and the kids go on their own. Repeat.

I also agree and am puzzled how some other PPs don’t get it. OP, have you ever responded directly to these things? “Oh, sorry. I can go if that’ll make it more comfortable for you to cook.” Do it politely and deadpan. They’ve learned they can say and do whatever and you will just eat their shit. You can push back a bit or at least stand up for yourself. Give us more examples if you want us to coach you. How do they treat your kids?

Another option is to really stop caring about them, which you can achieve with some effort, and just focus on your kids and ignore them as much as possible. Don’t initiate conversation with them, don’t try to engage them, be polite and treat them like you’d treat a stranger.