What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd just move your relationship into more of a grey rock. Meaning: share less of yourself, ask less of them.

So stopping by their house on a random weeknight with your children? No. If DH wants to take them, that's fine. Enjoy an evening on your own. I limit random visits with my MIL and SIL too. I just turn down various smaller gatherings, but do attend bigger ones. So for a birthday, I attend. But for a random weekend visit, I pass.

Especially during pandemic times, no one seems to care much if there are less people. Also, I almost never get alone time anymore, so the rare mornings my DH takes the kids to see his parents sound AWESOME to me. Pre-covid I was more protective of my weekend time with my kids, since we worked all week. But now, I see them A LOT, so having the time alone is really valuable..

It sounds like you need to lower your expectations about your relationship. Be cordial and polite, but maybe a little less friendly and more reserved. Don't offer personal details about yourself. Keep it generic and surface level.

It's been 10 years for me and I still slip up and get too personal here or there, and I almost always regret it. Their reaction is almost always some sort of barely paying attention or straight up ignoring and I get my feelings hurt. Even if it was something silly! So I find just holding back better all around because I'm not setting both sides up for failure.

100% on this post. Either semi-aggressively address their BS like other posters suggest or shut yourself down. I do the latter and every time I’ve relented I’ve regretted it.

Grey rocking is a technique that is used for people with severe personality disorders. It is doubtful that your SIL/MIL have a severe or even borderline personality disorder. Please do not try to self-diagnosis them. There is a spectrum of dysfunctional behavior in everyone. You will likely pull out what you want to see and diagnosis them with an issue. This is not helpful. You likely have a dysfunctional relationship with them and this is normal but also something that involves both parties. Like it or not, they are part of your family. Grey rocking will prevent you from addressing the issue and growing a healthier relationship. It is invoking a passive tactic that often leads to passive aggressive behavior. I have rarely met a dysfunctional IL relationship that could not be developed into a loving relationship. Like other relationships communication is key. Grey rocking will only prevent you from having a good relationship and further develop dysfunctional behavior harming your SO, your ILs, and you. I would let SO know your feelings, practice being more assertive, and meter your exposure as you get better at being assertive. For declining events, think if you would be hurt if your Mother or Sister declined your invitation for a similar event. Going to the movies, probably not. Going to your birthday party, probably.

Oy. I just fell asleep reading you post...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This whole story is extremely weird. It takes like 90 minutes at least to make lasagna, and who has the ingredients for it just on hand randomly?

If MIL was going to make lasagna, she would have made it before hand, not on demand because DH asked for it.

How long was this visit intended to be and at what time did DH ask for this lasagna? So did you just not end up getting anything to eat?

I didn't think about it but this makes a lot of sense.

No, it doesn't. There are a lot of ways to decline to make lasagna: I don't have the ingredients, I don't have the energy, there's not enough time before dinner, we had lasagna three nights ago, I'm not in the mood.

"There are too many people here" = I want some of you to leave.

OP gets to be that person.

I didn't get alone particularly well with my MIL & FIL, or my BILs for that matter. But I knew they liked me, more or less, so I made an effort. OP might be paranoid, but my guess is that, as a PP said, she's been on the receiving end of a lot of microaggressions. Her husband can take the kids while she has a day off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And what is your relationship like with your SIL?

Very good. I can't think of anyone in my life with whom I don't get along with or would act rude to. As for my brother's wife, she has actually told people I am one of her closest friends. I actually despise my her but she would never know it from the way I act around her. Some of you are just very immature and insecure. It doesn't take a lot to get along with other people but it does mean you have to make a modicum of effort.

Oh, so you are two-faced. That clarifies everything.

Ha! Nope. I just get along with people. I know how to make conversation. I know how to listen. I know how to be tolerant. These are all qualities you need to learn yourself. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

HAHA. Right. Keep telling that to yourself. You probably go to church regularly too.