Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't think they realize how selfish they are. They just don't even get it. They do three chores and think they are amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not. You married the wrong man. You have a husband problem, not a societal problem.

My husband would never do this. He wouldn't want to, first of all, but even if he did, I would put a stop to it pronto.

I bet for each one wife saying her husband would never do this, there are five who feel like OP, plus a couple more whose husbands are like OP's but they don't even know it's wrong, because patriarchy.

F**k the patriarchy.

Damn straight!

And all the women claiming that you’re the loser for marrying a loser are just as much tools of the patriarchy as the legions of crappy husbands. Bye Serena!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Even if I wanted to divorce him or leave, I can't for legal reasons. It's not that simple.

I'm not from the U.S. I have a temporary green card. I would have otherwise had a permanent green card by this December, the Trump administration has unfortunately pushed out the permanent green card processing time to 18+ months rather than the standard 2 or 3.

So i'm completely stuck. I'd rather not deal with child custody across borders during a pandemic, so dealing with my husbands inadequacies for the next 18 months is sadly, my only option.

There isn't any reasonable solution anyone can offer.

Step 1: Accept, recognize and admit that this is not an "all men" problem. That will get you nowhere.

Step 2: SPECIFIC communication and SPECIFIC requests. "No, you can't take off four weekends in a row, especially when you do nothing to help set me up for success. You can do two weekends IF you take care of the following BEFORE you leave..."

Step 3: Therapy

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not. You married the wrong man. You have a husband problem, not a societal problem.

My husband would never do this. He wouldn't want to, first of all, but even if he did, I would put a stop to it pronto.

I bet for each one wife saying her husband would never do this, there are five who feel like OP, plus a couple more whose husbands are like OP's but they don't even know it's wrong, because patriarchy.

F**k the patriarchy.

Damn straight!

And all the women claiming that you’re the loser for marrying a loser are just as much tools of the patriarchy as the legions of crappy husbands. Bye Serena!

So anyway, of course all husbands are *capable* of being selfish assholes. So am I! I am *capable* of it. Do I act like that 99% of the time? No way. Am I literally capable? Yeah.

I'm woman enough to admit that sometimes I lean on my husband even when I don't particularly need the help. There are whole days when he does more than I do, and not even for some noble reason like I'm sick or have a busy work days. But overall, we have balance.

I am so very sorry you married a dud. But it's just not true that most husbands/fathers are like that. If you're a low-value woman who had to settle for a loser, I am sorry about that. But that's just not everyone's reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not. You married the wrong man. You have a husband problem, not a societal problem.

My husband would never do this. He wouldn't want to, first of all, but even if he did, I would put a stop to it pronto.

I bet for each one wife saying her husband would never do this, there are five who feel like OP, plus a couple more whose husbands are like OP's but they don't even know it's wrong, because patriarchy.

F**k the patriarchy.

Damn straight!

And all the women claiming that you’re the loser for marrying a loser are just as much tools of the patriarchy as the legions of crappy husbands. Bye Serena!

What does that even mean? I don’t blame the patriarchy. Speak up and stop doing the extra work. If he doesn’t step up tell him you’re hiring help. If you can’t afford help stop doing the extra work and start making your own plans. Your husband is a jerk sorry. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

[Anonymous]

If you go away for a weekend, or a week, your son will eventually sleep. Don’t pick up the slack for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him now.

[Anonymous]

Its not, you married a crappy husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

My son fell asleep while out on a walk, and the babysitter I have coming today is not our regular nanny.

Our regular nanny is a different story. She's not helpful at all. She leaves laundry all over the couch and spends the entire 2 hours my son naps on her phone or laptop. She does not help with any small chores.

You sound like a really nice person, and I am sure there is a reason you got into a helping profession. But you need to man up and take some control of your family. Your husband, your child, and your nanny are walking all over you.

Your nanny should leave the house at least as tidy as she found it, and she should be doing some of the things that a SAHM would do during the day. I’m not saying that she should be deep cleaning your home, but certainly she should be unloading the dishwasher, putting grocery deliveries away, bringing trash in or out when she takes your child in a walk, etc.

Your toddler should have a schedule with predictable nap times. Your nanny should be taking the lead on this, really. And you need to find a way that he “helps” or he entertains himself while you do some things around the house. Mine used to like to play with bubbles in the sink while I would clean the kitchen.

As for your husband, I would enlist his help in creating a more professional relationship with your nanny and creating some more order and structure in your home. You two are a team, and you should both be playing to your strengths. You, as a nurse, are probably very good at being kind and nurturing and seeing the best in people. But your household is suffering without a counterbalance to provide some discipline, routine, and fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh BS it’s not a societal problem. There are multiple threads like this in one day here. Even “enlightened” dads aren’t doing 50% of housework. Social scientists have produced reams of data on that.

I agree this is a societal problem. There are men who do an equal amount of (or even more than) housework/childcare to their female partners. But they are rare. They are the exception. The average man, even the more progressive ones, do fewer household chores and less childcare than the average woman. That's just a fact. It cannot be disproven with all the posters rushing in w/ their anecdotes about how their husband does it all while they WOH.

Also, the average mother has to sacrifice more in her career (mommy tracking) than the average father. There are tons of gender inequities that are pervasive in our society.

However, OP's situation sounds pretty extreme. OP, you need to have a serious talk w/ your husband. It might not change anything but you need to at least attempt to get him to see how unequal things are and that you're unhappy with the division of labor.

From my view, they are not the exception. Then again, I am educated, have a job, make my own money, and have never been afraid to be alone (and I mean never). Not getting married was a fine outcome for me. Not having kids was a fine outcome for me. But when you go in with the attitude I have, which is that you're not going to accept some second-rate life partner, you don't end up with a second-rate life partner.

I maintain that 85% of the husband and dads I know aren't useless. And for the 15% that are, no surprises...you can spot them a mile away.

PP you are responding to. I didn't say that most men are "useless" or that it is rare or an exception for a man not to be useless. I think lots of men do help out with housework and childcare. Certainly more men do this now than did in previous generations and more women work and are busy in their careers now than did in previous generations too so a lot of men don't have a choice but to step up w/ housework and childcare since their female partners are working more.

What I said is that it is rare for a man to do a truly [/i]equal or greater[i] amount of housework and childcare to a woman. My husband is a great person. I'm positive he is worlds better than the average guy. He is not selfish. He is respectful and kind, never raises his voice, is very patient and loving w/ the kids. He is neat and tidy w/ his things. He plays with the kids a lot, reads to them a lot, is almost always the one to bathe them and get them ready for bed. But even so, if we were to write down all that we each do in terms of housework/childcare in an average week, our split is easily 30% him and 70% me.

And I too am educated, have a job and my own money. I'm ok with the balance of our relationship. But he doesn't do even close to the amount of housework and child-related things that I do. A lot of what I do is more of the "unseen: labor of household mgmt, a lot of the little, managerial stuff, that you don't even really think about much but adds up: ordering kids' birthday gifts, ordering the kids new winter coats before it gets cold, making dentist appointments, knowing what shoe size the kids wear, knowing that we are almost out of milk and someone needs to go to the store, signing kids up for swim lessons, etc, etc. neverending things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I earn the same amount - before anyone starts to say I am a SAHM or some BS. I work full-time as a nurse manager in a hospital and am also going to school to complete my MSN.

I've had it with my husbands fishing and hunting trips. He has gone on 4 in the past 2 months. He is only home every other weekend. I am so tired. He left the garbage bins at the end of our driveway when he normally brings them in. He left me a completely overflowing garbage in the morning he left and full dishwasher (normally his job!)- when our nanny came in she so helpfully pointed out to me that these two things needed to be done. Which I did, right before I was trying to leave for work.

I have been chasing our toddler the entire weekend, studying until 11:30PM at night. I had a sitter come this morning from 8-12. My son was up at 6. I am exhausted. I haven't had a chance to shower. My son, of course, falls asleep at 10. Sleeps for half the time the sitter is here. I will be chasing him all afternoon and won't be able to get the rest of the homework that I planned on doing, or tidying up the house or getting anything done. When my husband is coming home later this evening from his FOURTH weekend away in two short months.

WHY is the burden always on me? Why is my husband so completely useless? He can never decide what to make for dinner - it's always "pizza", when I ask him what he wants. He is a 12 year old boy. Sure, I will take care of our son without any breaks, every other weekend, keep the house clean, make sure there's groceries in the fridge and the sitter and housekeeper are paid and happy.

Then my husband will inevitably come home and complain that I spent too much money on online shopping (which is my ONLY vice) - when he just spent around $400 on new gear and various crap for his stupid hunting trips.

I need a weekend alone in an isolated cabin. Except our son will not go down at night with my husband.

I now get why some parents just want to run away. The overwhelming responsibility of my job, school, my son, and cleaning up my husbands inadequacies in his absence are exhausting.

and at what point have, you know, talked to your DH about this ridiculous imbalance/his neglectful and inane behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh BS it’s not a societal problem. There are multiple threads like this in one day here. Even “enlightened” dads aren’t doing 50% of housework. Social scientists have produced reams of data on that.

I agree this is a societal problem. There are men who do an equal amount of (or even more than) housework/childcare to their female partners. But they are rare. They are the exception. The average man, even the more progressive ones, do fewer household chores and less childcare than the average woman. That's just a fact. It cannot be disproven with all the posters rushing in w/ their anecdotes about how their husband does it all while they WOH.

Also, the average mother has to sacrifice more in her career (mommy tracking) than the average father. There are tons of gender inequities that are pervasive in our society.

However, OP's situation sounds pretty extreme. OP, you need to have a serious talk w/ your husband. It might not change anything but you need to at least attempt to get him to see how unequal things are and that you're unhappy with the division of labor.

From my view, they are not the exception. Then again, I am educated, have a job, make my own money, and have never been afraid to be alone (and I mean never). Not getting married was a fine outcome for me. Not having kids was a fine outcome for me. But when you go in with the attitude I have, which is that you're not going to accept some second-rate life partner, you don't end up with a second-rate life partner.

I maintain that 85% of the husband and dads I know aren't useless. And for the 15% that are, no surprises...you can spot them a mile away.

PP you are responding to. I didn't say that most men are "useless" or that it is rare or an exception for a man not to be useless. I think lots of men do help out with housework and childcare. Certainly more men do this now than did in previous generations and more women work and are busy in their careers now than did in previous generations too so a lot of men don't have a choice but to step up w/ housework and childcare since their female partners are working more.

What I said is that it is rare for a man to do a truly [/i]equal or greater[i] amount of housework and childcare to a woman. My husband is a great person. I'm positive he is worlds better than the average guy. He is not selfish. He is respectful and kind, never raises his voice, is very patient and loving w/ the kids. He is neat and tidy w/ his things. He plays with the kids a lot, reads to them a lot, is almost always the one to bathe them and get them ready for bed. But even so, if we were to write down all that we each do in terms of housework/childcare in an average week, our split is easily 30% him and 70% me.

And I too am educated, have a job and my own money. I'm ok with the balance of our relationship. But he doesn't do even close to the amount of housework and child-related things that I do. A lot of what I do is more of the "unseen: labor of household mgmt, a lot of the little, managerial stuff, that you don't even really think about much but adds up: ordering kids' birthday gifts, ordering the kids new winter coats before it gets cold, making dentist appointments, knowing what shoe size the kids wear, knowing that we are almost out of milk and someone needs to go to the store, signing kids up for swim lessons, etc, etc. neverending things like that.

If you are OK with the balance, then what are you yammering on about? 30-70 is bullshyt and I would never accept that, but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Don't overfill your own plate. Usually it's better to get schooling out of the way before kids, or wait til the kids are older to go back to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do agree that women face disproportionate burdens at home and with kids, this is not a normal situation. Your DH is being a jerk.

This.

You need to schedule one weekend away for every weekend that he has away. Seriously. Your son will get used to his dad doing bedtime. You HAVE to do this. Go to a cabin with a bad WiFi signal and say you have to study — I bet you actually do need a weekend a line to catch up on school!!! Do it! Please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a surrendered wife but you've taken it too far.

At bedtime. One day when he is home. Leave. Jyst leave. Don't give him time to protest. You need to run out. You'll come back 2 hours later. He will have survived. Make it a habit

Yep, leave as many times as it takes your kid to learn how to fall asleep without you.