Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because....the patriarchy. However, he sounds below average even for typical dad curve. My DH would never pull that crap. I’m stuck with most household tasks but he does his fair share of kid work.

Huh? My husband doesn't act like this. Not while we were dating, engaged, first married, or now that we have kids.

Gee, you think the same loser who didn't do his fair share or take responsibility while you were just dating will miraculously change? Or did you accept, work around, justify, ignore because you wanted a ring and a baby bump?

Don't blame The Patriarchtph because you married a did. My husband isn't perfect, but he's an equal partner. The same can be said for 85% of the husbands and dads I know. And for the other 15%, we all saw from the start that you picked a loser. We grimaced, glanced aside and hoped you would wise up. Too bad you didn't.

When we were dating my BF, now DH, showed that he knew how to cook, clean, do laundry, do everything so after we got married he just continued to do it. He wasn't the spoiled frat boy type and it was clear his parents did a good job raising him. Until we became empty nesters he never did a guys trip, poker night or anything like that. He didn't take up golf until our youngest was in HS. We both worked and he has always been committed to doing his fair share...or almost! A big part of dating is finding out what is beyond the nice smile and good sex. Losers show their hand early on.

[Anonymous]

You put up with it instead of putting your foot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a surrendered wife but you've taken it too far.

At bedtime. One day when he is home. Leave. Jyst leave. Don't give him time to protest. You need to run out. You'll come back 2 hours later. He will have survived. Make it a habit

Yep, leave as many times as it takes your kid to learn how to fall asleep without you.

This is a dumb strategy. You’re just going to have a cranky, stressed out kid. I’d bet the dad just sets him up with an iPad while he waits for OP to come home.

What she needs to do is be away for several days at a time. One night is not enough. OP do you have midterms coming up? Use that as an excuse to take a weekend away.

Turn your phone off. He will need to figure it out AND he needs to be the one to deal with the consequences of being a shit dad.

Do the same thing for finals. He needs to know that every few weeks he’s going to have to deal with his child alone for an entire weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do agree that women face disproportionate burdens at home and with kids, this is not a normal situation. Your DH is being a jerk.

This.

You need to schedule one weekend away for every weekend that he has away. Seriously. Your son will get used to his dad doing bedtime. You HAVE to do this. Go to a cabin with a bad WiFi signal and say you have to study — I bet you actually do need a weekend a line to catch up on school!!! Do it! Please!

Yes, fair’s fair. Stand up for yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I earn the same amount - before anyone starts to say I am a SAHM or some BS. I work full-time as a nurse manager in a hospital and am also going to school to complete my MSN.

I've had it with my husbands fishing and hunting trips. He has gone on 4 in the past 2 months. He is only home every other weekend. I am so tired. He left the garbage bins at the end of our driveway when he normally brings them in. He left me a completely overflowing garbage in the morning he left and full dishwasher (normally his job!)- when our nanny came in she so helpfully pointed out to me that these two things needed to be done. Which I did, right before I was trying to leave for work.

I have been chasing our toddler the entire weekend, studying until 11:30PM at night. I had a sitter come this morning from 8-12. My son was up at 6. I am exhausted. I haven't had a chance to shower. My son, of course, falls asleep at 10. Sleeps for half the time the sitter is here. I will be chasing him all afternoon and won't be able to get the rest of the homework that I planned on doing, or tidying up the house or getting anything done. When my husband is coming home later this evening from his FOURTH weekend away in two short months.

WHY is the burden always on me? Why is my husband so completely useless? He can never decide what to make for dinner - it's always "pizza", when I ask him what he wants. He is a 12 year old boy. Sure, I will take care of our son without any breaks, every other weekend, keep the house clean, make sure there's groceries in the fridge and the sitter and housekeeper are paid and happy.

Then my husband will inevitably come home and complain that I spent too much money on online shopping (which is my ONLY vice) - when he just spent around $400 on new gear and various crap for his stupid hunting trips.

I need a weekend alone in an isolated cabin. Except our son will not go down at night with my husband.

I now get why some parents just want to run away. The overwhelming responsibility of my job, school, my son, and cleaning up my husbands inadequacies in his absence are exhausting.

Take your weekend and your DH will have to figure it out an your son will eventually fall asleep. Make it a long one.

[Anonymous]

You are full of excuses. You need a weekend alone but your son will not go down to sleep with your husband. Not your problem, let him deal with it. Take the weekend away you need. Stop worrying how your husband will cope. He will find a way.

Start asking for what you need, if that doesn't work get therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP - first up, thank you for your career in nursing! Nurses are heros!

In our home I do more with the kids but DH does many, at times most, of the household chores to even things out. He is better with kids as they get older. Best thing I did was leave him alone with the kids for a weekend even though it was stressful worrying about them. Everyone survived and he learned a valuable lesson about spending 48 hours with DC and I got a break. You need time for yourself.

As for nanny, do you have a contract which lists out the expected tasks? Best thing is to set expectations from the start and it is fine to include kids laundry as a regular to-do.

[Anonymous]

When you talk about the burden always being on the wife, you make it sound like you are in some predetermined script, that plays on a loop.

SPEAK UP. Say it is unfair. Did he agree to you getting the degree (or at least go along, do not mean you need his permission). Then the should have been an acknowledgement that being in school takes time besides work. Maybe that means he can't do fishing trips while you are a student? He has to make this possible. The kids needs are non-negotiable.

It is NOT all on your unless you buy into that crazy formula.

If he is not open to the discussion, you need marriage counselling.

You have taken on more than is possible, and I know you are trying as much as humanly possible. He is NOT a good partner right now. Tell him what you need and expect. You have a voice and some rights.

[Anonymous]

You don't want Dad to parent and you want to be supermom except when you don't want to. Let Dad parent and figure it out his way.

You have a conversation with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do agree that women face disproportionate burdens at home and with kids, this is not a normal situation. Your DH is being a jerk.

This.

Omg this. But also change the nanny. I had nannies over the years and none of them would point out to me a dishwasher for me to empty before leaving the door for work. They’d point it but also say don’t worry, I’ll do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not. You married the wrong man. You have a husband problem, not a societal problem.

My husband would never do this. He wouldn't want to, first of all, but even if he did, I would put a stop to it pronto.

I bet for each one wife saying her husband would never do this, there are five who feel like OP, plus a couple more whose husbands are like OP's but they don't even know it's wrong, because patriarchy.

F**k the patriarchy.

Damn straight!

And all the women claiming that you’re the loser for marrying a loser are just as much tools of the patriarchy as the legions of crappy husbands. Bye Serena!

So anyway, of course all husbands are *capable* of being selfish assholes. So am I! I am *capable* of it. Do I act like that 99% of the time? No way. Am I literally capable? Yeah.

I'm woman enough to admit that sometimes I lean on my husband even when I don't particularly need the help. There are whole days when he does more than I do, and not even for some noble reason like I'm sick or have a busy work days. But overall, we have balance.

I am so very sorry you married a dud. But it's just not true that most husbands/fathers are like that. If you're a low-value woman who had to settle for a loser, I am sorry about that. But that's just not everyone's reality.

(this is addressed to PP, not OP)

Talk about victim blaming..."low value woman????????????"

WTF. So, you think everyone gets the husband they deserve??
And life is always fair.

You really need some humility honey. And you better watch our for Karma, because you are now wearing a target when it comes to your husband say...cheating on you. Which of course, would not be his fault, it would simply mean he got stuck with a "low value" woman. For God's sake...what is wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't overfill your own plate. Usually it's better to get schooling out of the way before kids, or wait til the kids are older to go back to school.

I agree.
Before you focus on anything else, you need to get your house in order, OP.

Your nanny needs to step up. Your child needs to have a routine with predictable sleep/wake times, and your husband should be your teammate.

Frankly, I understand why he doesn’t want to be there. It doesn’t sound like you want to be with him as his wife, but that you want to use him as a nanny/housekeeper so that you can study.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't overfill your own plate. Usually it's better to get schooling out of the way before kids, or wait til the kids are older to go back to school.

I agree.
Before you focus on anything else, you need to get your house in order, OP.

Your nanny needs to step up. Your child needs to have a routine with predictable sleep/wake times, and your husband should be your teammate.

Frankly, I understand why he doesn’t want to be there. It doesn’t sound like you want to be with him as his wife, but that you want to use him as a nanny/housekeeper so that you can study.

So when husbands take of their children while their wives are indisposed - the husband is relegated to the role of nanny/housekeeper?

Basically reinforces the notion that women are the default caregiver in heterosexual marriages.

What do you mean by be with him as his wife?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is probably cheating who lives on that many away trips when married

[Anonymous]

*goes