Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't overfill your own plate. Usually it's better to get schooling out of the way before kids, or wait til the kids are older to go back to school.

I agree.
Before you focus on anything else, you need to get your house in order, OP.

Your nanny needs to step up. Your child needs to have a routine with predictable sleep/wake times, and your husband should be your teammate.

Frankly, I understand why he doesn’t want to be there. It doesn’t sound like you want to be with him as his wife, but that you want to use him as a nanny/housekeeper so that you can study.

So when husbands take of their children while their wives are indisposed - the husband is relegated to the role of nanny/housekeeper?

Basically reinforces the notion that women are the default caregiver in heterosexual marriages.

What do you mean by be with him as his wife?

I mean share a meal, talk, laugh, watch TV, tell a funny story, take a walk together as a family, play a game, etc.

Guess what - they’d have time for all of that if her DH stepped it up at home, and stopped leaving every other weekend.

The H is the one who isn’t interested in being there “as a husband”.

This insane idea that women shouldn’t go to school because they have kids just further oppresses them. Her H needs to suck it up for a couple years because it will help the family as a whole.

[Anonymous]

OP, you let this happen, that’s why. Take some of the advice here and fix it. Get a new nanny and be specific about their duties. Leave your DH with the child for a weekend. No one will die. Tell your DH what you have said on this thread and see what he says/does. There is no reason someone in your situation has to take on the whole burden.

And nice gratuitous dig at SAHPs, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Don’t marry tools. There are guys who can cut it as parents, earners and partners. It’s not that hard if you have some drive and are not self centered or selfish. My DH is a 50/50 parent, a strong supporter of me and makes great money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not. You married the wrong man. You have a husband problem, not a societal problem.

My husband would never do this. He wouldn't want to, first of all, but even if he did, I would put a stop to it pronto.

I bet for each one wife saying her husband would never do this, there are five who feel like OP, plus a couple more whose husbands are like OP's but they don't even know it's wrong, because patriarchy.

F**k the patriarchy.

Damn straight!

And all the women claiming that you’re the loser for marrying a loser are just as much tools of the patriarchy as the legions of crappy husbands. Bye Serena!

You and the right wing nuts that believe in conspiracies are all the same and y’all all suck because you see larger forces in play when it’s really about individuals, personal responsibility, and personal integrity. Stop looking for macro causes for personal problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

That's part of the husbands job. Why should the nanny pick up his slack?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

That's part of the husbands job. Why should the nanny pick up his slack?

Because she is being paid to help.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry and this sucks. I agree with the other posters in saying that this is a problem and he's being a jerk. But a couple of observations/quesitons.

1. What conversations have you had with him about this? It has no hope of changing unless you've told him about the burdens on you, asked him to pitch in, asked him not to take the hunting trips, etc.

2. Consider assigning him specific tasks. "I need you to take care of DS's bedtime routine tonight." "I need you to arrange dinners for the rest of the week. I don't care whether you cook them or get takeout, but I don't want to have to think about it." Make him do something, and make it be without your guidance and step-by-step instruction.

3. Take a weekend away for yourself. DH and DS will survive.

4. Explore changes with your nanny. A nanny is not a housekeeper and can't be expected to be a full time housekeeper. However, asking her to do the kid's laundry, unload a dishwasher, etc. is not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

NP just chiming in to say I also married a loser by mistake. I think it is still a societal problem but mostly my fault for not prioritizing the right things since I grew up with a helpful dad and stupidly assumed all husbands would be involved partners.

Anyway, we have one kid, so am going to have another (I want 2 and he has good genes and is a good, loving dad despite being a lazy partner) and then kick him out of the house since I can easily afford it alone. He can go live in a condo a mile away and we can have joint custody. He’ll then be forced to do more and I’ll have a few nights off a week. Can’t wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP just chiming in to say I also married a loser by mistake. I think it is still a societal problem but mostly my fault for not prioritizing the right things since I grew up with a helpful dad and stupidly assumed all husbands would be involved partners.

Anyway, we have one kid, so am going to have another (I want 2 and he has good genes and is a good, loving dad despite being a lazy partner) and then kick him out of the house since I can easily afford it alone. He can go live in a condo a mile away and we can have joint custody. He’ll then be forced to do more and I’ll have a few nights off a week. Can’t wait.

That’s cold.

Poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By any chance does your husband hunt Bobcats?

Nope! Definitley not.

I had a more rosy vision of bobcat girl’s future. Glad this is not our bobcat hunter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but how is a couple on nurse manager salaries affording a nanny and extra babysitting?

I earn $120K.

DH works FT and earns $150K as a project manager.

Have you talked to him? What is his response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think they realize how selfish they are. They just don't even get it. They do three chores and think they are amazing.

When my DH makes dinner, he asks multiple times "is it good? Do you like it" until he gets the "yes, it's the best meal I ever had" response. Even if it's something he has made 1000 times. He needs CONSTANT validation for the things he does around the house. And it's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

If conversations with DH will not be productive you need to:

- DEFINITELY change the arrangement with your nanny or get a new one. Small cleaning up after the kids and laundry was part of our deal (but we paid extra for laundry).
-get a mother's helper or babysitter for a few hours on the weekends he's gone to get out of the house OR find group meetups with other parents so the kids can play and you get some adult interaction.
-Therapy, stat.
-push as much as you can on the citizenship stuff (and if things don't get better with DH after you are naturalized, then 86 his ass).
-in the meantime, advise him you're going away for a weekend he is home.

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend: https://getaway.house/

I did this when I needed a break from my life. The DC area one is located near Charlottesville. Bring some wine, a good book, and hide. Can book one night, but consider 2 because the drive is a bit far and you want to enjoy a slow morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be more pissed at your nanny.

She can unload the dishwasher once in a while or bring the trash cans in. And she shouldn’t have put your son down for his nap several hours early. This is why people have nannies.

This, that's part of the Nanny's job

That's part of the husbands job. Why should the nanny pick up his slack?

Because she is being paid to help.

She is being paid for child care/child related duties. Nannies aren't general household help.