Reply to Husband is silent when I most desperately need reassurance and acknowledgment

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I know the issue you are referring to OP. For me it was solved by communication. Instead of expecting DH to know what to say, I had to tell him what I needed to hear or do. It’s not as sexy as a man just knowing what to do, but over time he will get the hang of it. You just have to vulnerable and say honey I need you right now, I could really use a hug. Or can you please tell me that everything will be alright. DH loves you, but he is still learning you. Just share how you work with him, without a lot of pressure, and let him know you appreciate him. Good luck![/quote]

I have found it surprisingly satisfying to ask for what I want.  The expectation that someone else should just know what I want when I'm upset came from a belief that I didn't deserve to be cared for.  I do deserve that and so do you but you still have to say how.  In a time of disaster do you want to be told that everything is going to be all right?  Or do you want him to agree that everything is a disaster?  Do you want him to say he'll take care of everything when you both know that's impossible?  There are no right answers which is why silence seems like a good strategy.  So, again, tell him what you want. [/quote]

This.  I learned this when I was preparing for labor, and the doula asked me how I managed pain, and what I found helpful when I was dealing with pain.  It was the first time anyone had ever asked me that, and also I realized that different people find different things helpful -- some people want to be told that everything will be okay, that they are almost done, etc.  I don't -- I want to be told how far along I am and how much longer it will be, for example.  And then I realized that was true of other things, like stress and anxiety.  What I find helpful is not what everyone would find helpful, and there is no way to know that about someone unless they tell you.  We have somehow internalized this idea that your partner should just know, but they don't.  You have to tell them.  "Honey, I am freaking out because X, Y, and Z.  I need to know that you and I will figure it out together."  I would not really want to hear what OP wanted to hear.  You have to say what you need.  You did not marry a mind reader, and it's not like all women are the same.  [/quote]

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