Have you / would you talk about your affair with your therapist?

[Anonymous]

The subject header for this is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you hope to accomplish in therapy? Either end the marriage or the AP. Venmo me $200.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of therapy if you’re lying to your therapist?

Isn’t the fact you’re cheating a big issue to be addressed? (Both your own personal responsibility as well as the underlying emotional reasons)

Why bother with therapy at all?

OP here. I'd like help getting through my divorce (due to my husband's awful actions). My AP is a bright spot in my life and a huge support, so not talking about him would be strange, but if I do talk about him, I'm sure the conversation would change toward trying to get me to end it, which I have no intention of doing.

[Anonymous]

I had a wonderful therapist for the end period of my A and afterward when I had a d-day. During the A, she questioned me often on why I thought was doing okay. I gave her reasons that at the time I thought were valid (though now I see they were all self-justifications for my choices). She would gently probe and I would always leave thinking that I needed to end things, but I never did, which was 100% on me. She couldn't change my mind unless I wanted to change my mind.

After the A ended and I had my d-day, she again was very supportive yet consistently asked me to think through my actions and thoughts. She would allow me to vent and cry and yet always said things that made me think after the appointment. She never "okayed" what I did and always challenged me if I thought that was the best course of action.

I am so thankful for her. She never made me feel judged, though in retrospect I can see how she tried to direct me toward making healthier choices (I just wasn't in a mindset to do so at that time). I worked hard on myself in the aftermath and I do credit her for talking me through things and challenging my old mindsets and coping skills. I now am active on an affair website where I message with MW, and I always try to channel her kindness and empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a wonderful therapist for the end period of my A and afterward when I had a d-day. During the A, she questioned me often on why I thought was doing okay. I gave her reasons that at the time I thought were valid (though now I see they were all self-justifications for my choices). She would gently probe and I would always leave thinking that I needed to end things, but I never did, which was 100% on me. She couldn't change my mind unless I wanted to change my mind.

After the A ended and I had my d-day, she again was very supportive yet consistently asked me to think through my actions and thoughts. She would allow me to vent and cry and yet always said things that made me think after the appointment. She never "okayed" what I did and always challenged me if I thought that was the best course of action.

I am so thankful for her. She never made me feel judged, though in retrospect I can see how she tried to direct me toward making healthier choices (I just wasn't in a mindset to do so at that time). I worked hard on myself in the aftermath and I do credit her for talking me through things and challenging my old mindsets and coping skills. I now am active on an affair website where I message with MW, and I always try to channel her kindness and empathy.

What type of website are you on? Are you advocating cheating there? Giving pointers/tricks of the trade?

Did you tell your husband? Did you come clean about length of time, your level of commitment to AP?

Was D-day your spouse finding out or just your AP breaking up with you?

How did it end? How long did it last?

Did you end your marriage? Did your husband forgive you?

Will you cheat again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of therapy if you’re lying to your therapist?

Isn’t the fact you’re cheating a big issue to be addressed? (Both your own personal responsibility as well as the underlying emotional reasons)

Why bother with therapy at all?

OP here. I'd like help getting through my divorce (due to my husband's awful actions). My AP is a bright spot in my life and a huge support, so not talking about him would be strange, but if I do talk about him, I'm sure the conversation would change toward trying to get me to end it, which I have no intention of doing.

Is he married too? If so, do you really think he will leave his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of therapy if you’re lying to your therapist?

Isn’t the fact you’re cheating a big issue to be addressed? (Both your own personal responsibility as well as the underlying emotional reasons)

Why bother with therapy at all?

OP here. I'd like help getting through my divorce (due to my husband's awful actions). My AP is a bright spot in my life and a huge support, so not talking about him would be strange, but if I do talk about him, I'm sure the conversation would change toward trying to get me to end it, which I have no intention of doing.

Is he married too? If so, do you really think he will leave his wife?

I actually do, but I've never pushed for that, and I have mixed feelings on the subject. I don't want to remarry or be a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a wonderful therapist for the end period of my A and afterward when I had a d-day. During the A, she questioned me often on why I thought was doing okay. I gave her reasons that at the time I thought were valid (though now I see they were all self-justifications for my choices). She would gently probe and I would always leave thinking that I needed to end things, but I never did, which was 100% on me. She couldn't change my mind unless I wanted to change my mind.

After the A ended and I had my d-day, she again was very supportive yet consistently asked me to think through my actions and thoughts. She would allow me to vent and cry and yet always said things that made me think after the appointment. She never "okayed" what I did and always challenged me if I thought that was the best course of action.

I am so thankful for her. She never made me feel judged, though in retrospect I can see how she tried to direct me toward making healthier choices (I just wasn't in a mindset to do so at that time). I worked hard on myself in the aftermath and I do credit her for talking me through things and challenging my old mindsets and coping skills. I now am active on an affair website where I message with MW, and I always try to channel her kindness and empathy.

What type of website are you on? Are you advocating cheating there? Giving pointers/tricks of the trade?
A message board on relationships. I do not advocate for cheating at all...I advocate for truth and solving personal/marital issues in an authentic and healthy way.

Did you tell your husband? Did you come clean about length of time, your level of commitment to AP?
Yes to all these questions.

Was D-day your spouse finding out or just your AP breaking up with you?
AP and I ended it a few months before. D-day was me telling my spouse.

How did it end? How long did it last?
AP ghosted me. It was off and on for a year.

Did you end your marriage? Did your husband forgive you?
My H and I are still together. I did a lot of work on myself and my marriage, and both of us worked a lot on all of the issues that were in our marriage. We are not perfect but we communicate much better than we ever did before I made my hurtful choices. We were both conflict avoidant.

Will you cheat again?
No. I know firsthand the pain of adultery and have no desire to walk that path again. I have worked hard to learn new mindsets and coping skills.

[Anonymous]

^ to be fair, as a cheater you are not qualified to know the depth of the pain you caused and the trust issues you have inflicted on others. I’m glad you are seeking to change. However, I don’t trust anyone that cheats in their marriage—even as friends. There is something fundamentally wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of therapy if you’re lying to your therapist?

Isn’t the fact you’re cheating a big issue to be addressed? (Both your own personal responsibility as well as the underlying emotional reasons)

Why bother with therapy at all?

OP here. I'd like help getting through my divorce (due to my husband's awful actions). My AP is a bright spot in my life and a huge support, so not talking about him would be strange, but if I do talk about him, I'm sure the conversation would change toward trying to get me to end it, which I have no intention of doing.

Don't waste your time. Don't waste your therapist's time. Don't waste your money. Therapy is only helpful if you are going to be honest. No point in going if you are not going to own up to your part in the break up of your marriage.

Therapy is not useful if you go into it with a list of things you aren't going to change.

Seriously don't bother.

[Anonymous]

I was going to say this is why I only see same gender therapists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ to be fair, as a cheater you are not qualified to know the depth of the pain you caused and the trust issues you have inflicted on others. I’m glad you are seeking to change. However, I don’t trust anyone that cheats in their marriage—even as friends. There is something fundamentally wrong with you.

You’re so lovely. It’s impossible anyone would betray you repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

I would not take relationship advice from a cheater. Why is a cheater giving advice on an affair forum. I hope you are only contributing in the cheater forums. You are sick of you are talking to betrayed spouses after what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not take relationship advice from a cheater. Why is a cheater giving advice on an affair forum. I hope you are only contributing in the cheater forums. You are sick of you are talking to betrayed spouses after what you did.

It’s called narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You HAVE to be honest about your life or it is pointless to go to therapy.

HE/she is there to help you, not have an opinion about the choices you make.

YOur post tells me two things:

1) Lying is an easy go=to for you.

2) You don't live authentically.

And if you choose to continue the gap between who you are and the image you present, you will not find peace or mental health. Start trying to break this habit with your therapist. They are probably the safest person for you to share with.

+100