Have you / would you talk about your affair with your therapist?

[Anonymous]

I have an AP and haven't told a soul. I'd like to start therapy, but I can't imagine talking about my AP (out of fear of her judging me and out of fear she'd ID my AP's wife through social media and tell her) -- and yet my AP is such a huge part of my life, therapy would be useless if I never brought him up.

To anyone with an AP, have you discussed it with a therapist?
To any therapists, is this something people talk about with you? Are they sheepish or brazen about it?

[Anonymous]

Any therapist worth their salt will urge you to come clean with your spouse and end the affair.

But I agree, you can’t really benefit from therapy when you’re hiding such a massive secret from your therapist. You’re not tackling the underlying issues.

[Anonymous]

If you think your therapist is not trustworthy and would research and contact your AP’s wife you need a new therapist. That would be a massive violation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist worth their salt will urge you to come clean with your spouse and end the affair.

But I agree, you can’t really benefit from therapy when you’re hiding such a massive secret from your therapist. You’re not tackling the underlying issues.

You think? I've been married for 20 years and in and out of therapy... no affair issues on either side whatsoever, but I would be surprised if this were the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist worth their salt will urge you to come clean with your spouse and end the affair.

But I agree, you can’t really benefit from therapy when you’re hiding such a massive secret from your therapist. You’re not tackling the underlying issues.

You think? I've been married for 20 years and in and out of therapy... no affair issues on either side whatsoever, but I would be surprised if this were the case.

Yeah this sounds more like wishful thinking from someone who either knows she’s been cheated on or is sure her DH would never cheat.

A therapist will ask you to be honest with yourself and consider why you’re cheating, and if it’s really healthy for you to continue multiple relationships and all the hiding and lying that comes with cheating. If you want to come clean, they can help you come up with a plan to do so, and to help you exit relationships you don’t want to be in. Their job isn’t to make moral judgments about your lifestyle and to help you clear your conscience by hurting others. A good therapist won’t tell you to always tell the truth about every aspect of life without exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Of course I talked about it. It’s what therapy is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist worth their salt will urge you to come clean with your spouse and end the affair.

But I agree, you can’t really benefit from therapy when you’re hiding such a massive secret from your therapist. You’re not tackling the underlying issues.

Bullshit. My husbands therapist never made him make a decision. It was as if that part of his life didn’t matter or factor into why he was spiraling out of control,

Therapy today is bullshit.

[Anonymous]

What do you hope to accomplish in therapy? Either end the marriage or the AP. Venmo me $200.

[Anonymous]

I think you are looking for an excuse not to go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist worth their salt will urge you to come clean with your spouse and end the affair.

But I agree, you can’t really benefit from therapy when you’re hiding such a massive secret from your therapist. You’re not tackling the underlying issues.

You think? I've been married for 20 years and in and out of therapy... no affair issues on either side whatsoever, but I would be surprised if this were the case.

Yeah this sounds more like wishful thinking from someone who either knows she’s been cheated on or is sure her DH would never cheat.

A therapist will ask you to be honest with yourself and consider why you’re cheating, and if it’s really healthy for you to continue multiple relationships and all the hiding and lying that comes with cheating. If you want to come clean, they can help you come up with a plan to do so, and to help you exit relationships you don’t want to be in. Their job isn’t to make moral judgments about your lifestyle and to help you clear your conscience by hurting others. A good therapist won’t tell you to always tell the truth about every aspect of life without exceptions.

This. A good therapist will help you figure out what you’re doing and why. And help you figure out where you want to go from here.

And no, he or she will not out you to the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Just be careful because there are limited situations where therapy notes can be discovered. If you sue someone for personal injury for example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist worth their salt will urge you to come clean with your spouse and end the affair.

But I agree, you can’t really benefit from therapy when you’re hiding such a massive secret from your therapist. You’re not tackling the underlying issues.

Not true. Therapists aren’t moral scolds.

[Anonymous]

A good therapist will help you identify the best of three roads. Come clean to spouse and shut out AP, come clean with spouse and divorce to be with AP, or come clean with spouse and be alone to get your sh$t together (separate from spouse and AP). Good therapist will likely lead you to the truth that your current situation is unhealthy, dishonest, and untenable in the long run. You are making up excuses to stay out of therapy because you don’t want to hear any of this and are too cowardly and selfish to come clean with your spouse, which is a key feature of all three tenable paths available to getting you through this. Good luck and genuinely I hope you get to the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist worth their salt will urge you to come clean with your spouse and end the affair.

But I agree, you can’t really benefit from therapy when you’re hiding such a massive secret from your therapist. You’re not tackling the underlying issues.

Not true. Therapists aren’t moral scolds.

I find the ones today have zero morals. They don’t care about affairs or families.

[Anonymous]

My spouse’s therapist let him just sit on the pot. She forced no solution. She was perfectly content to hear about his double life. She didn’t feel it was a problem to lie and excuse me to STIs. She told him he could define his life and morals.

I’m sure that’s the type of therapist OP wants. Get a young one. They tend to be like this.