SIL emailed me asking me to apologize for bringing my own picnic food to her home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here! She hadn't made any food. It was literally sandwiches/picnic stuff, meet in the yard - not a dinner party! If I'd known she were cooking, of course, we would have clarified (or sucked it up). It was like, let's meet and hang with the kids in the yard.

Sorry, I missed this post from OP. So then did your SIL go and buy sandwiches and prepare a picnic for your family? Or do you mean that she literally prepared no food for your family and then got upset with you for bringing food?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! She hadn't made any food. It was literally sandwiches/picnic stuff, meet in the yard - not a dinner party! If I'd known she were cooking, of course, we would have clarified (or sucked it up). It was like, let's meet and hang with the kids in the yard.

Sorry, I missed this post from OP. So then did your SIL go and buy sandwiches and prepare a picnic for your family? Or do you mean that she literally prepared no food for your family and then got upset with you for bringing food?

If I buy sandwiches, sides, and drinks for 4 people from the good sandwich place that's at least $60. I would be pretty upset to have wasted all that money, not emailing to ask for an apology upset, but I would find it rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be as smooth-surfaced and non-committal as possible. Something like,

"I'm sorry it came across that way -- it was not my intent. That's just what we do when we go anywhere now, and it's just as much a part of keeping you safe as us. Thank you for hosting us."

And then I'd decline any get-togethers while the pandemic is ongoing, but with vague or non-committal reasons like, "we can't make it, but hope everyone has fun." And I'd wait for emotions to settle down once it is over.

My goal -- and this may not be yours, but it is definitely mine -- is to whatever I can (within the bounds of my own morality) to decrease stress and stressful interactions, keep myself and others safe, and get this over as fast as possible. Conversations with amped-up people for any reason harshes whatever shred of mellow I have left.

Good luck!

I think this wording is perfect. Email it, decline future invites and forget about it.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think this has been said, so I'm just adding to the chorus.

That's your own choice to bring your own food, but it was totally weird and inconsiderate for you to not mention that you are bringing your own food to your SIL's get together that she was hosting. She took the time and effort to plan and prepare food for your family.

It was also weird for your SIL to then follow up with an email demanding an apology.

This. I also agree that it is weird of the SIL to ask for an apology but this may have been the straw that broke the camel's back if OP has a habit of being deliberately obstructive or rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here! She hadn't made any food. It was literally sandwiches/picnic stuff, meet in the yard - not a dinner party! If I'd known she were cooking, of course, we would have clarified (or sucked it up). It was like, let's meet and hang with the kids in the yard.

It does NOT matter if the food wasn't homemade. That's unbelievable that you think that only homemade food deserves appreciation. No wonder she's mad at your attitude OP. Frankly the more you post the more socially obtuse you sound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider apologizing for not telling her first...that sucks if she went to trouble for cook for you.

I would not apologize for making choices that are right for your family.

"Larla, Oh gosh, I feel so bad that you're upset about this! We've been seeing people very infrequently, and there's really never food involved. The few times there has been we bring it ourselves because that is what we are comfortable with. I should have told you that this is our approach, but with the pandemic being so normal now I just didn't think to. I feel bad if you went to trouble to cook for us. I know you're taking seriously. Maybe we can try again next weekend at your house or ours....this time, knowing before-hand that we aren't sharing food right now!"

cc: your husband

New poster. This, above. But I would not go on quite as long -- the more OP says, the more SIL has to chew on and brood about. Keep it short, sweet and light: "I'm sorry we weren't clear. We're staying distanced as you know and have gotten so used to bringing our own food anywhere that we kind of automatically do that. I'm sorry I didn't let you know that especially if you got sandwich stuff with us in mind. It's not at all any statement about your family or your own distancing!

And then CHANGE THE SUBJECT. "Niece mentioned she was doing a Zoom game with friends -- did that work out? Would you recommend it?" Do not give SIL the space to make this into a discussion. If SIL brings it up again, repeat as above. "Yeah, I should have mentioned it, truly. It's not a comment on YOU." Change topic.

Sorry f you already contacted SIL by now but if not -- I would do it verbally and not by e-mail or text. Writing things down just gives people something to read over and over again, and start brooding about, parsing every word with a "What did she really mean there?" focus.

OP, while you should have just mentioned "Oh as it's a picnic, we're going to bring our own food and drinks -- it's just automatic for us now. Please don't give it a thought, we're just glad to visit with you." But otherwise this is now about SIL's insecurities. It is not about you or your choices, which are good ones. I'd do a brief and breezy apology since yes, you could have told her and forgot to do so, but you are only apologizing for that, and not for the fact you want to eat your own food.

If she wants to hold a grudge, after your short apology, let DH handle contacts with her from here on out. Maybe, to put a better spin on things, she is generally unhappy due to the pandemic and staying home, and is overreacting here just out of general anger with the whole distancing situation and not really with you. So i'd cut her slack on that account and assume the best, not the worst. But I'd definitely not grovel to apologize for some offense that she perceives that is overblown.

I'm especially pi$$ed on your behalf with many posters here trying to ascribe all kinds of motives to you, assuming you were invited to some multi-course banquet or that SIL "cooked" for you etc. Sorry they're being such jerks toward you. People here are so quick to create their own personal narratives about how OPs are wrong and have horrible, secret motives, which PPs then make up. Ignore those fools and carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think this has been said, so I'm just adding to the chorus.

That's your own choice to bring your own food, but it was totally weird and inconsiderate for you to not mention that you are bringing your own food to your SIL's get together that she was hosting. She took the time and effort to plan and prepare food for your family.

It was also weird for your SIL to then follow up with an email demanding an apology.

This. I also agree that it is weird of the SIL to ask for an apology but this may have been the straw that broke the camel's back if OP has a habit of being deliberately obstructive or rude.[b]

Yep, here's a great example of a PP fabricating sinister reasons an OP is surely in the wrong! All the "may have beens" just mask the fact that posters on DCUM love to create monsters out of the simplest situations.

When your mind leaps immediately to "well, OP must have a habit of being obstructive or rude!" it tells us more about you than about the OP whom you have never met. If you've got someone like that in your own life, that's sad, but projecting it onto OP is as weird as SIL's insistent apology demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your SIL seems to be someone who likes to stir the pot. Don't take the bait. I'd say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. We always bring our own food these days," and keep my distance.

Don't say that unless you want to be passive aggressive. This is another way of saying, "YOU are the problem". Which she is but, is that the message you want to convey?

If you are going to apologize, say "I'm sorry we made you feel that way!".

... if it felt that way. ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! She hadn't made any food. It was literally sandwiches/picnic stuff, meet in the yard - not a dinner party! If I'd known she were cooking, of course, we would have clarified (or sucked it up). It was like, let's meet and hang with the kids in the yard.

Sorry, I missed this post from OP. So then did your SIL go and buy sandwiches and prepare a picnic for your family? Or do you mean that she literally prepared no food for your family and then got upset with you for bringing food?

OP here. The latter! No food was prepared!!

[Anonymous]

There is a language way (that I can’t remember what it’s called) where something is stated as :
... it felt that way ... which is impersonal business English which might be smoother as it doesn’t assign a feeling to any particular person. Wish I could remember what that’s called.

[Anonymous]

You two deserve each other: one brought her own food (who does that!) and the other complained about it (who does that?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You two deserve each other: one brought her own food (who does that!) and the other complained about it (who does that?).

DP. Re: the bold: Well, you ought to be doing it right now, if you're one of the people determined to socialize away from home.

Oh, and OP already said above that SIL not only did not cook food for them but did not buy special sandwich stuff to feed them. There is no grounds for SIL to be offended as if she had prepped a meal that was rejected. No harm, no foul in terms of sensitive SIL expending time or money on feeding them. SIL wants to complain. OP was not wrong to do as she has already been doing everywhere else and bring her own food. The ONLY issue was OP not thinking to mention it in advance, but then, OP is also not responsible for reading SIL's mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We visited SIL, my brother and their kids yesterday (they live a few tons over) and brought our own picnic supplies so we could distance visit. I didn't think twice about packing food, it's what we've done whenever we hang out with anyone. We haven't really seen them much since the pandemic began.

SIL was enraged that we brought our own picnic supplies (sandwich fixings/glasses/drinks/etc) and accused me of insinuating that she's not taking the pandemic seriously.
She just sent me a long email insisting I apologize to her for preemptively bringing our own food and "for all that implies." She then brought up how seriously she has been distancing and how she thinks "We" meaning my husband and I have NOT. Basically: How dare I think she could have COVID when if anyone would, it's me.
I don't think I did anything wrong. I'd be happy to say I'm sorry just to smooth things over, but I also think she's being unreasonable.
She is married to my brother who is oblivious to the whole thing.
This isn't the first time this has happened.

Watch till the end.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would have told them ahead of time. And by "them" I mean MY BROTHER.

Like "hey in an effort to keep this all Covid friendly, we'll bring our picnic. That way we can keep risks as low as possible. Can't wait to see you all!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here! She hadn't made any food. It was literally sandwiches/picnic stuff, meet in the yard - not a dinner party! If I'd known she were cooking, of course, we would have clarified (or sucked it up). It was like, let's meet and hang with the kids in the yard.

Sorry, I missed this post from OP. So then did your SIL go and buy sandwiches and prepare a picnic for your family? Or do you mean that she literally prepared no food for your family and then got upset with you for bringing food?

OP here. The latter! No food was prepared!!

So, you brought food to an event that wasn't a food for everyone event?

I am more and more confused.