SIL emailed me asking me to apologize for bringing my own picnic food to her home

[Anonymous]

We visited SIL, my brother and their kids yesterday (they live a few tons over) and brought our own picnic supplies so we could distance visit. I didn't think twice about packing food, it's what we've done whenever we hang out with anyone. We haven't really seen them much since the pandemic began.

SIL was enraged that we brought our own picnic supplies (sandwich fixings/glasses/drinks/etc) and accused me of insinuating that she's not taking the pandemic seriously.
She just sent me a long email insisting I apologize to her for preemptively bringing our own food and "for all that implies." She then brought up how seriously she has been distancing and how she thinks "We" meaning my husband and I have NOT. Basically: How dare I think she could have COVID when if anyone would, it's me.
I don't think I did anything wrong. I'd be happy to say I'm sorry just to smooth things over, but I also think she's being unreasonable.
She is married to my brother who is oblivious to the whole thing.
This isn't the first time this has happened.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, you're right... if anyone could have COVID it's me, and I didn't want my brother or kids to catch it.

[Anonymous]

While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

[Anonymous]

Reply to her email so that you have the email chain. CC everyone including your brother and spouse. Say that you are packing your own food because you do not want your relatives to fall sick. Tell them you are socializing with all precautions with some friends but still want to be extra cautious. Then let brother and SIL hash it between themselves.

[Anonymous]

It is bizarre to bring your own food. Neither of you are taking things seriously.

[Anonymous]

I would be as smooth-surfaced and non-committal as possible. Something like,

"I'm sorry it came across that way -- it was not my intent. That's just what we do when we go anywhere now, and it's just as much a part of keeping you safe as us. Thank you for hosting us."

And then I'd decline any get-togethers while the pandemic is ongoing, but with vague or non-committal reasons like, "we can't make it, but hope everyone has fun." And I'd wait for emotions to settle down once it is over.

My goal -- and this may not be yours, but it is definitely mine -- is to whatever I can (within the bounds of my own morality) to decrease stress and stressful interactions, keep myself and others safe, and get this over as fast as possible. Conversations with amped-up people for any reason harshes whatever shred of mellow I have left.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You guys should have communicated better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Reply to her email so that you have the email chain. CC everyone including your brother and spouse. Say that you are packing your own food because you do not want your relatives to fall sick. Tell them you are socializing with all precautions with some friends but still want to be extra cautious. Then let brother and SIL hash it between themselves.

This is the best approach. Your SIL is nuts to make a fuss over this. I'd start cutting her off. Life is too short for the drama.

[Anonymous]

Ignore it. You did right.

[Anonymous]

You’re both unhinged.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird to be confrontational over this, but also I think you're seriously paranoid to bring your own stuff. If covid isn't spreading via someone's random-ass mask, it sure as hell isn't going to spread via borrowing glassware and sharing a bowl of grapes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. You did right.

You don't think it would be right to mention that you're bringing your own food before someone cooks for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys should have communicated better.

NP. Lead with this.

We’ve had friends over three times and before the outside only get togethers, we’ve mentioned “we’re bringing our own salads” or “let’s make s’mores - I have all the ingredients” and “I’m grilling kabobs - want to customize your order or want to BYO meal?”

So, send a brief, and I mean brief! email saying that you should have communicated better and bringing your own food and supplies has become a new practice, akin to always making sure you always have a mask. Our new normal is just so weird and awkward and truly no offense meant. Loved seeing everybody and hope to get together soon. (Bonus points: toss in a genuine compliment:”we all needed a change of scenery and loved relaxing in your backyard.”

Be super kind in tone because she will read and reread and analyze every word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys should have communicated better.

NP. Lead with this.

We’ve had friends over three times and before the outside only get togethers, we’ve mentioned “we’re bringing our own salads” or “let’s make s’mores - I have all the ingredients” and “I’m grilling kabobs - want to customize your order or want to BYO meal?”

So, send a brief, and I mean brief! email saying that you should have communicated better and bringing your own food and supplies has become a new practice, akin to always making sure you always have a mask. Our new normal is just so weird and awkward and truly no offense meant. Loved seeing everybody and hope to get together soon. (Bonus points: toss in a genuine compliment:”we all needed a change of scenery and loved relaxing in your backyard.”

Be super kind in tone because she will read and reread and analyze every word.

+1.

In my opinion, your SIL asking you to apologize is ridiculous. Yes, you should have communicated better, but being upset to the point that she sent you an email about it is unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While you might have been fine to bring your own food, I will say that if I invited someone over to be my guest at a meal, spent time preparing something nice for them and figuring out to manage a socially distanced serving, and then found out that they never intended to eat it? I'd be annoyed.

Why didn't you clarify this? It is uncommon to bring your own food to someone else's event, so I don't know why you didn't ask them.

I would apologize for not letting her know.

This. It seems really weird to accept an invitation and then bring all your own stuff. Your SIL didn't say "pot luck" in her invitation so you definitely should have asked before bringing a bunch of stuff for your own consumption (not even sharing!). Sure your SIL shouldn't have sent the email but seems like you started it OP. You owe her the much bigger apology imo.