Reply to SIL emailed me asking me to apologize for bringing my own picnic food to her home

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would consider apologizing for not telling her first...that sucks if she went to trouble for cook for you.

I would not apologize for making choices that are right for your family.

"Larla, Oh gosh, I feel so bad that you're upset about this! We've been seeing people very infrequently, and there's really never food involved. The few times there has been we bring it ourselves because that is what we are comfortable with. I should have told you that this is our approach, but with the pandemic being so normal now I just didn't think to. I feel bad if you went to trouble to cook for us. I know you're taking seriously. Maybe we can try again next weekend at your house or ours....this time, knowing before-hand that we aren't sharing food right now!"

cc: your husband [/quote]

New poster. This, above. But I would not go on quite as long -- the more OP says, the more SIL has to chew on and brood about. Keep it short, sweet and light: "I'm sorry we weren't clear. We're staying distanced as you know and have gotten so used to bringing our own food anywhere that we kind of automatically do that. I'm sorry I didn't let you know that especially if you got sandwich stuff with us in mind. It's not at all any statement about your family or your own distancing!

And then CHANGE THE SUBJECT. "Niece mentioned she was doing a Zoom game with friends -- did that work out? Would you recommend it?" Do not give SIL the space to make this into a discussion. If SIL brings it up again, repeat as above. "Yeah, I should have mentioned it, truly. It's not a comment on YOU." Change topic.

Sorry f you already contacted SIL by now but if not -- I would do it verbally and [u]not[/u] by e-mail or text. Writing things down just gives people something to read over and over again, and start brooding about, parsing every word with a "What did she really mean there?" focus.

OP, while you should have just mentioned "Oh as it's a picnic, we're going to bring our own food and drinks -- it's just automatic for us now. Please don't give it a thought, we're just glad to visit with you." But otherwise this is now about SIL's insecurities. It is not about you or your choices, which are good ones. I'd do a brief and breezy apology since yes, you could have told her and forgot to do so, but you are only apologizing for that, and not for the fact you want to eat your own food.

If she wants to hold a grudge, after your short apology, let DH handle contacts with her from here on out. Maybe, to put a better spin on things, she is generally unhappy due to the pandemic and staying home, and is overreacting here just out of general anger with the whole distancing situation and not really with you. So i'd cut her slack on that account and assume the best, not the worst. But I'd definitely not grovel to apologize for some offense that she perceives that is overblown.

I'm especially pi$$ed on your behalf with many posters here trying to ascribe all kinds of motives to you, assuming you were invited to some multi-course banquet or that SIL "cooked" for you etc. Sorry they're being such jerks toward you. People here are so quick to create their own personal narratives about how OPs are wrong and have horrible, secret motives, which PPs then make up. Ignore those fools and carry on.[/quote]

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