Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with a woman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I know one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of expecting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

I can tell you why.
Why does the wife stay home
- She makes substantially less than the husband because of career choice.
- She is being paid less than other male counterparts and she is facing the glass ceiling at work
- She is the one who is lactating, who gave birth, who is exhausted, who did not heal from the labor because she did not have maternity leabe
- She is the one who is dealing with toxicity at work and hostile/sexist work environment
- The baby or an older child has special needs and someone needs to be home
- A family member is sick or elderly and she needs to be the care provider
- Childcare is frequently failing and/or her children are failing to thrive mentally, physically or emotionally

Why does the husband stay home
- He is making less substantially less money than the wife
- He has pension from army, police or firefighting and he is retired, while wife has a great career
- He has dreams of starting his own private company or has some gig lined up or he is writing a book
- He has disability that necessitates that he stays at home.

Men stay at home when they need to look after their interests. Women stay home to sacrifice her own interests for the family. If women thought and acted like men, humans would become extinct.

Thank you! At this point, I think women should strongly encourage their daughters to remain child free and focus on their careers for their own sanity. Women shouldn’t have to sacrifice their interests for generations while men selfishly do whatever the hell they want.

I'm not sure this is the solution, I think we need more working moms to advocate for more working moms. I do think we shouldn't mommy track our daughters before they are moms. Is till hear way too often " are you sure that's a career you want it will be hard/easy to be a mom with that." You never hear thos comments directed at boys. I also think it would better if we started raisng our kids a little differently, more balance.

We should neither discourage women from having children nor telling women that they must work. This is not a problem of women making the wrong choices. This is a problem with society at large not supporting women and not supporting families and expecting women to independently provide childcare while also expecting families to have enough money to afford spiraling housing and healthcare costs.

We need universal, subsidized healthcare, parental leave, and childcare. We should also probably be offering a stipend to families on a per child basis to help ease the burden on parents and to address equity issues for children. Why is this even a question? We've been telling women for years: "If you just make perfect choices then everything will be fine." That's not liberation.

Thanks to the party of “family values,” safety nets = socialism. Take care of your kids! They’re your responsibility! Oh, but don’t work. They need their mom! Oh wait, but no, we can’t subsidize you. Bootstraps!

I want to vomit just typing all that trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with a woman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I know one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of expecting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

I can tell you why.
Why does the wife stay home
- She makes substantially less than the husband because of career choice.
- She is being paid less than other male counterparts and she is facing the glass ceiling at work
- She is the one who is lactating, who gave birth, who is exhausted, who did not heal from the labor because she did not have maternity leabe
- She is the one who is dealing with toxicity at work and hostile/sexist work environment
- The baby or an older child has special needs and someone needs to be home
- A family member is sick or elderly and she needs to be the care provider
- Childcare is frequently failing and/or her children are failing to thrive mentally, physically or emotionally

Why does the husband stay home
- He is making less substantially less money than the wife
- He has pension from army, police or firefighting and he is retired, while wife has a great career
- He has dreams of starting his own private company or has some gig lined up or he is writing a book
- He has disability that necessitates that he stays at home.

Men stay at home when they need to look after their interests. Women stay home to sacrifice her own interests for the family. If women thought and acted like men, humans would become extinct.

Thank you! At this point, I think women should strongly encourage their daughters to remain child free and focus on their careers for their own sanity. Women shouldn’t have to sacrifice their interests for generations while men selfishly do whatever the hell they want.

I'm not sure this is the solution, I think we need more working moms to advocate for more working moms. I do think we shouldn't mommy track our daughters before they are moms. Is till hear way too often " are you sure that's a career you want it will be hard/easy to be a mom with that." You never hear thos comments directed at boys. I also think it would better if we started raisng our kids a little differently, more balance.

This conversation seems new to you; but it isn't new. We've been having this same conversation since the late 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just on my one little street alone, we have 4 families with a SAHM including me! Maybe we are an anomaly?

Nope! There are quite a few sahms in my neighborhood, too.

I know a few too, and again this isn't a knock on SAHM. My own mother was a SAHM, but she wanted to do it. I'm just trying to figure out why in 2020 in a workforce of GenXers and Millenials the default is still mom has to sacrifice her career.

Ideally, neither parent would have to sacrifice career, but that's a whole differ discussion.

I feel that too many people go in to parenthood assuming their lives won’t change. Of course there should be some sacrifices. I’m not saying the woman should bear the brunt of it, but both parents should expect that raising a child will mean that their personal needs will not come first all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typically this sort of thing is discussed *before children cone into the family. Ideally, both people agree on how they want their children cared for and then proceed from there.

Yes, but until you’re holding that baby in your arms it’s impossible to know how you’re going to feel. Before I had kids I never thought I’d be the SAHM type. Once that baby arrived I was willing to do anything to be able to stay home with him. It’s good to have a plan, but you also need to be flexible enough so you don’t box yourself into a corner and hate your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm. Mine never did. He's proud of my career. And, we don't need my salary (though it's a great one!).

I am lucky I have always had great flexibility/WAH after kids.

I know. It’s 2020. All of my female cousins, sister and mother have thriving careers: STEM, law, medicine, finance, etc.

What world do you people live in? Education and careers are big in my family.

I’m 50 and live in a neighborhood of $1.5-3 million homes and almost all of the women have prestigious careers. They don’t need the $, husbands make enough.

I love my job. I’m proud to earn my own retirement.

And nobody can ever walk all over you because you have the means to leave any situation. It’s power.

I know plenty of women in working in law or medicine that ended up stepping back or becoming SAHM because of the pressures of working and parenthood.

+1
Also, a lot of women who originally expect to work through their children's early years discover that they really like their kids and don't want to miss out on time with them before they start school. That's what happened to me. I remember thinking "Why would I pay someone to have the joy of spending the day with my child while I go to an office and do a job that is fine but not wonderful and spend half my day pumping milk and also have to deal with my colleagues gossiping behind my back about whether I've mommy tracked or whatever." I didn't want to stop working forever, but I didn't want to give up those baby/small child years. It made it hard to go back though once my kids were in school, and I certainly never went back to my old high pressure, high pay career. I get why people who can afford it opt out forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

My DH thought i would SAH because he made 3x what I make (and I have a good paying career myself) and doesn’t trust paid caregivers.

Have you read any of the other posts?

Have you ever been bothered to think about why men are the ones who are paid almost always paid more? If DH doesn’t trust paid caregivers, did he ever once contemplate caring for his kids himself? Why not sock some of that money away and take a few years off? No? Worried about re-entering after? Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Our pregnancy was not planned. BF (now DH) said if you want to go back to work that is fine and if you want to stay home that is fine.

Yes the money was nice, but we weren’t sacrificing by me staying at home. It just made sense. The big benefit for us was the freedom. DH can work from anywhere. We were able to travel a lot, spend summers at the beach.

And in retrospect it helped our sex life. I didn’t have work stress on top of baby stress. Didn’t need to run around or coordinate as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typically this sort of thing is discussed *before children cone into the family. Ideally, both people agree on how they want their children cared for and then proceed from there.

If that is your approach, build flexibility into it; you need to be aware that many people make those plans without fully appreciating what it means to become a parent. For a lot of folks, in spite of their best laid plans, the moment that child is in the house, everything changes.

I believe most women know whether or not they want to/ have to continue working after having kids long before the child arrives. Men may feel differently. My dh and I both agreed that I would sah and we planned and saved for years beforehand. Although I, at times, wished I could go back to work because sah was really hard, I never changed my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

My DH thought i would SAH because he made 3x what I make (and I have a good paying career myself) and doesn’t trust paid caregivers.

Have you read any of the other posts?

Have you ever been bothered to think about why men are the ones who are paid almost always paid more? If DH doesn’t trust paid caregivers, did he ever once contemplate caring for his kids himself? Why not sock some of that money away and take a few years off? No? Worried about re-entering after? Hmmm.

Why do you sound so angry? I answered the OPs question. DH makes more because he’s in finance and I’m in a different industry. I could never make the money anyone in his field makes, male or female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typically this sort of thing is discussed *before children cone into the family. Ideally, both people agree on how they want their children cared for and then proceed from there.

I agree. It is also typically planned for financially ahead of time. If you know you’re going to lose one income and one retirement, you must plan ahead based on that and assess how stable the remaining income is and that person’s long term career path.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

Bingo. As a woman you have to actively push back against this norm. It's hard. I did not succeed in doing it. I hope my daughters will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

These are the worst types - men who want their wives to make a lot of money but also expect them to handle everything at home and prioritize the mans career over the woman’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with a woman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I know one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of expecting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

I can tell you why.
Why does the wife stay home
- She makes substantially less than the husband because of career choice.
- She is being paid less than other male counterparts and she is facing the glass ceiling at work
- She is the one who is lactating, who gave birth, who is exhausted, who did not heal from the labor because she did not have maternity leabe
- She is the one who is dealing with toxicity at work and hostile/sexist work environment
- The baby or an older child has special needs and someone needs to be home
- A family member is sick or elderly and she needs to be the care provider
- Childcare is frequently failing and/or her children are failing to thrive mentally, physically or emotionally

Why does the husband stay home
- He is making less substantially less money than the wife
- He has pension from army, police or firefighting and he is retired, while wife has a great career
- He has dreams of starting his own private company or has some gig lined up or he is writing a book
- He has disability that necessitates that he stays at home.

Men stay at home when they need to look after their interests. Women stay home to sacrifice her own interests for the family. If women thought and acted like men, humans would become extinct.

Thank you! At this point, I think women should strongly encourage their daughters to remain child free and focus on their careers for their own sanity. Women shouldn’t have to sacrifice their interests for generations while men selfishly do whatever the hell they want.

I'm not sure this is the solution, I think we need more working moms to advocate for more working moms. I do think we shouldn't mommy track our daughters before they are moms. Is till hear way too often " are you sure that's a career you want it will be hard/easy to be a mom with that." You never hear thos comments directed at boys. I also think it would better if we started raisng our kids a little differently, more balance.

We should neither discourage women from having children nor telling women that they must work. This is not a problem of women making the wrong choices. This is a problem with society at large not supporting women and not supporting families and expecting women to independently provide childcare while also expecting families to have enough money to afford spiraling housing and healthcare costs.

We need universal, subsidized healthcare, parental leave, and childcare. We should also probably be offering a stipend to families on a per child basis to help ease the burden on parents and to address equity issues for children. Why is this even a question? We've been telling women for years: "If you just make perfect choices then everything will be fine." That's not liberation.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

I expected my wife to work, but she didn't, and it was a gigantic source of conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm. Mine never did. He's proud of my career. And, we don't need my salary (though it's a great one!).

I am lucky I have always had great flexibility/WAH after kids.

I know. It’s 2020. All of my female cousins, sister and mother have thriving careers: STEM, law, medicine, finance, etc.

What world do you people live in? Education and careers are big in my family.

I’m 50 and live in a neighborhood of $1.5-3 million homes and almost all of the women have prestigious careers. They don’t need the $, husbands make enough.

I love my job. I’m proud to earn my own retirement.

And nobody can ever walk all over you because you have the means to leave any situation. It’s power.

I know plenty of women in working in law or medicine that ended up stepping back or becoming SAHM because of the pressures of working and parenthood.

+1
Also, a lot of women who originally expect to work through their children's early years discover that they really like their kids and don't want to miss out on time with them before they start school. That's what happened to me. I remember thinking "Why would I pay someone to have the joy of spending the day with my child while I go to an office and do a job that is fine but not wonderful and spend half my day pumping milk and also have to deal with my colleagues gossiping behind my back about whether I've mommy tracked or whatever." I didn't want to stop working forever, but I didn't want to give up those baby/small child years. It made it hard to go back though once my kids were in school, and I certainly never went back to my old high pressure, high pay career. I get why people who can afford it opt out forever.

You two aren't really answering the original question. Thi sthread isn't about Deciding to be a SAHM. This is about the expectation that you do it because you're a woman.