Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

Almost nobody except the UMC and wealthy can actually “afford” children anymore.

Exactly. Do pps understand that extended maternity leave would benefit them as well?

Who does it benefit? The parents and/or child. You can take an extended maternity leave but you need to use your saved leave or leave without pay. Businesses are there to make money. They are not a welfare program. Same with government but different goals.

Well for starters it would benefit you. You could stay home for 15 months while your DH tried to become a partner and you wouldn't have to worry about sending your 3 month old to daycare or hiring a nanny during COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with a woman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I know one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of expecting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

I can tell you why.
Why does the wife stay home
- She makes substantially less than the husband because of career choice.
- She is being paid less than other male counterparts and she is facing the glass ceiling at work
- She is the one who is lactating, who gave birth, who is exhausted, who did not heal from the labor because she did not have maternity leabe
- She is the one who is dealing with toxicity at work and hostile/sexist work environment
- The baby or an older child has special needs and someone needs to be home
- A family member is sick or elderly and she needs to be the care provider
- Childcare is frequently failing and/or her children are failing to thrive mentally, physically or emotionally

Why does the husband stay home
- He is making less substantially less money than the wife
- He has pension from army, police or firefighting and he is retired, while wife has a great career
- He has dreams of starting his own private company or has some gig lined up or he is writing a book
- He has disability that necessitates that he stays at home.

Men stay at home when they need to look after their interests. Women stay home to sacrifice her own interests for the family. If women thought and acted like men, humans would become extinct.

Hear hear!!

I have always as the wife taken on the bulk of childcare responsibilities and the above is very true of me. I fit my work around my family and my husband fits family around work. Because I have work flexibility, people assume I am a SAHM, and I do make far less than my DH. I also suffered sexual harassment in a prior job, made less than my husband, and my child had a medical issue when she was younger that required intensive care. No hired caregiver was willing to work with her needs. My career will never "bounce back" to what it was. I was also sold the idea of "sequencing" when I was in college but that has turned out to be nonsense. I'm grateful that I can contribute to our income at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

How do you two feel about universal minimum salaries?

We have them. Its called minimum wage. Look, even if we want it, we cannot afford it and those countries that have it have a very different culture and government.

We have the money, we could have those things it's people like you who stand in the way, who vote for people, that make these things impossible.


Minimum wage is not nearly enough. Minimum wage is $7.25 /hr some states, thankfully do better, ubut even $15 is not enough. It's estimated that just to live, an American needs to make over $60,000 a year just to keep head above water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

Almost nobody except the UMC and wealthy can actually “afford” children anymore.

Exactly. Do pps understand that extended maternity leave would benefit them as well?

Who does it benefit? The parents and/or child. You can take an extended maternity leave but you need to use your saved leave or leave without pay. Businesses are there to make money. They are not a welfare program. Same with government but different goals.

Well for starters it would benefit you. You could stay home for 15 months while your DH tried to become a partner and you wouldn't have to worry about sending your 3 month old to daycare or hiring a nanny during COVID.

Agree. Also, first PP, who is going to pay your social security?

Our birth rates in the US are already falling. We will find out.

[Anonymous]

Don’t marry someone who makes assumptions about shared or individual major life choices!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women want to SAH. I for example can't manage pregnancy and working.

Psst. Hey lady. That wasn't the question. Several other SAHMs have chimed in to say they are happy at home. We got it. Enjoy.

Do you have any thoughts on the expectation by society that it be moms who step back and become SAHPs? What do you think about dads out there who want to SAH?

There are zero expectations except in your head for women to step back and be SAHM's. This is not the 20-50's and it a woman's choice. I have no issue with a Dad wanting to be a SAHP. My husband would have loved to but financially we couldn't make it work. He'd be great at it.

Oh, well, if your DH would have liked to do it, then there must be no problem in the rest of society at all! Silly me!


Lady, get your head out of your butt.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both agreed that we had zero interest in having our children raised by anyone but us. So I stay home and care for our children and home because he has a high paying job .

[Anonymous]

I did not intend to become a SAHM but I did when my husband was offered a job overseas and we thought it would be a great opportunity for all of us. I quit a job that I loved to move abroad and stay home with a toddler. My husband loved the job and it gave him a leg up but I fell behind and never caught up. Was a SAHM four years and ended up having to switch careers. Now he’s getting ready to retire and I’m frustrated about not getting promoted and constantly looking around seeing people 10-15 years younger than me advancing faster than I am. I know other women who chose to be SAHM after working for a while once kids were born but I think they didn’t love their jobs and didn’t need their income to support the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

So kids are only for rich people. Got it.

The issue is who should pay. All these real middle and upper class women need to pay for their own maternity leave. Its not fair to expect employers to subsidize maternity leave or child care.

Then your real argument is that women shouldn’t be in the labor force.

It’s fine. Lots of people feel this way. Just own up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is the real issue. You don't want to hear that some women are happier staying home and appreciate having the option. You don't want to hear it is best for some families. I'm sorry you have a difficult marriage situation but its up to you to fix it or get out of it.

DP. Not OP, but I don't get that from OP at all. Are you sure you aren't just projecting? I am honestly confused by your response. It seems kind of bizarre. I have done both SAHM and WOHM (and student mom, and WAHM), so maybe I am just not as defensive, but I really don't.get your response here.

Read the subject and many of the other comments. They are very negative to men and women and it gets old.

No, you are projecting your own bs. Lots of thoughtful pps on here. This is a societal problem in the US. Just because some women are happy being SAHMs doesn’t change the fact that there are societal problems and expectations that unfairly and preferentially impact women. And the ripple effect is that they affect everyone whether you want to be a parent or not. The bulk of the negative effects are on women but these inequities also affect men who might want to be primary caregivers or suffer under the stress of being the sole breadwinner.

It is sad that we cannot try to talk about these problems without some SAHMs taking it personally (You needn’t)or some people even trying to deny them outright.

OP again all of this. It's just sad that people would rather put energy into mommy wars than discussing things, that might initiate change and benefit all of our lives, and the lives of our families.

You’re an idiot

DP. You really aren't very good at making your case. You seem invested in perpetuating mommy wars, but whatever. That's sad but people just pity you.

You’re still an idiot OP. Btw no one believes you just because you post multiple times claiming you’re a “DP” or “NP.” Your weird writing style gives it all away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is the real issue. You don't want to hear that some women are happier staying home and appreciate having the option. You don't want to hear it is best for some families. I'm sorry you have a difficult marriage situation but its up to you to fix it or get out of it.

DP. Not OP, but I don't get that from OP at all. Are you sure you aren't just projecting? I am honestly confused by your response. It seems kind of bizarre. I have done both SAHM and WOHM (and student mom, and WAHM), so maybe I am just not as defensive, but I really don't.get your response here.

Read the subject and many of the other comments. They are very negative to men and women and it gets old.

No, you are projecting your own bs. Lots of thoughtful pps on here. This is a societal problem in the US. Just because some women are happy being SAHMs doesn’t change the fact that there are societal problems and expectations that unfairly and preferentially impact women. And the ripple effect is that they affect everyone whether you want to be a parent or not. The bulk of the negative effects are on women but these inequities also affect men who might want to be primary caregivers or suffer under the stress of being the sole breadwinner.

It is sad that we cannot try to talk about these problems without some SAHMs taking it personally (You needn’t)or some people even trying to deny them outright.

OP again all of this. It's just sad that people would rather put energy into mommy wars than discussing things, that might initiate change and benefit all of our lives, and the lives of our families.

You’re an idiot

DP. You really aren't very good at making your case. You seem invested in perpetuating mommy wars, but whatever. That's sad but people just pity you.

You’re still an idiot OP. Btw no one believes you just because you post multiple times claiming you’re a “DP” or “NP.” Your weird writing style gives it all away.

+100. This whole thread feels like a veiled attempt to bash women, sahm’s in particular. OP can post all she wants pretending to be different people agreeing with her, but her motives seem completely disingenuous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

Almost nobody except the UMC and wealthy can actually “afford” children anymore.

Exactly. Do pps understand that extended maternity leave would benefit them as well?

Who does it benefit? The parents and/or child. You can take an extended maternity leave but you need to use your saved leave or leave without pay. Businesses are there to make money. They are not a welfare program. Same with government but different goals.

Well for starters it would benefit you. You could stay home for 15 months while your DH tried to become a partner and you wouldn't have to worry about sending your 3 month old to daycare or hiring a nanny during COVID.

Well, surprise on you. I did stay home. My child care didn't work out at the last minute, no family help so I had to quit. My husband switched jobs a few times and basically replaced my salary. We couldn't afford a nanny on my salary. My husband is a great partner and when I wanted to continue to stay home it was a non-issue and he worked to make sure I had that option and was fully supportive the few times I considered going back. You may have a crappy husband and didn't plan for maternity leave but we did. I had 3 months paid as I saved my leave and did part leave without pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

So kids are only for rich people. Got it.

The issue is who should pay. All these real middle and upper class women need to pay for their own maternity leave. Its not fair to expect employers to subsidize maternity leave or child care.

Then your real argument is that women shouldn’t be in the labor force.

It’s fine. Lots of people feel this way. Just own up to it.

What on earth? This has nothing to do with women in the labor force. It has to do with your choice to have a child. Regardless of it if is maternity or paternity leave, having a child is your choice and your responsibility and someone else outside of your partner should not have to support you by given more paid leave than you have earned or child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women want to SAH. I for example can't manage pregnancy and working.

Psst. Hey lady. That wasn't the question. Several other SAHMs have chimed in to say they are happy at home. We got it. Enjoy.

Do you have any thoughts on the expectation by society that it be moms who step back and become SAHPs? What do you think about dads out there who want to SAH?

There are zero expectations except in your head for women to step back and be SAHM's. This is not the 20-50's and it a woman's choice. I have no issue with a Dad wanting to be a SAHP. My husband would have loved to but financially we couldn't make it work. He'd be great at it.

Oh, well, if your DH would have liked to do it, then there must be no problem in the rest of society at all! Silly me!


Lady, get your head out of your butt.

What, don't like to hear that some of us are in good, supportive marriages and you are not?

[Anonymous]

lots of very sexist women on this thread