Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Uh my dh keeps yelling at me to stop wasting my ivy degree w my mommy track job and make some
money. It’s actually really annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh my dh keeps yelling at me to stop wasting my ivy degree w my mommy track job and make some
money. It’s actually really annoying.

Stop wasting your time on a man like him and find someone who loves you. It doesn't matter where you went to school. Tell him to step up, be a man and make more money if money is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

+1 This was my experience as well. He did not want me to cut back at work, but anytime I asked him to do something related to the kids, he acted like I was failing as a parent and expecting something unbelievable of him.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

Almost nobody except the UMC and wealthy can actually “afford” children anymore.

Exactly. Do pps understand that extended maternity leave would benefit them as well?

Who does it benefit? The parents and/or child. You can take an extended maternity leave but you need to use your saved leave or leave without pay. Businesses are there to make money. They are not a welfare program. Same with government but different goals.

Well for starters it would benefit you. You could stay home for 15 months while your DH tried to become a partner and you wouldn't have to worry about sending your 3 month old to daycare or hiring a nanny during COVID.

Agree. Also, first PP, who is going to pay your social security?

Our birth rates in the US are already falling. We will find out.

I don't care. I worked from 12-30's and paid in my fair share. When my husband is done working he will have worked since he was 14/18 if you want a real full time job till his late 60's so we have paid in our share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

+1 This was my experience as well. He did not want me to cut back at work, but anytime I asked him to do something related to the kids, he acted like I was failing as a parent and expecting something unbelievable of him.

That is a husband issue and he's an @ss. Don't have more kids with him.

[Anonymous]

We're split basically 50/50 (Him: Fed 190k, me (woman) private sector: 200k) so this was basically never a question. Homeboy likes his vacations and fancy shoes, which is do-able on a dual-income and impossible on his alone. Luckily, he chose someone raised by a SAHM who was brought up to always work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Many women want to SAH. I for example can't manage pregnancy and working.

Psst. Hey lady. That wasn't the question. Several other SAHMs have chimed in to say they are happy at home. We got it. Enjoy.

Do you have any thoughts on the expectation by society that it be moms who step back and become SAHPs? What do you think about dads out there who want to SAH?

There are zero expectations except in your head for women to step back and be SAHM's. This is not the 20-50's and it a woman's choice. I have no issue with a Dad wanting to be a SAHP. My husband would have loved to but financially we couldn't make it work. He'd be great at it.

Oh, well, if your DH would have liked to do it, then there must be no problem in the rest of society at all! Silly me!


Lady, get your head out of your butt.

What, don't like to hear that some of us are in good, supportive marriages and you are not?

Clearly you are struggling with things, what with your head up your rear end and all. I suppose with your head stuck in the confines of your rectum, you would be expected to be limited in your thinking. And it makes you strangely defensive and apt to jump to illogical conclusions about people you have never met.

I have a lovely, supportive husband. I shouldn't even need to mention that, because it has absolutely no bearing on the discussion at hand. Despite that and the fact that I have a good life for which I am very thankful, I can have awareness of how things operate in society. I can acknowledge that women still get the short end of the stick, and that my individual good fortune does not negate this fact in any way. I can recognize that the way women are treated in our society has negative impacts on their husbands and children. It can even impact women who choose never to have children.

I'm sorry this just flies right over your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women want to SAH. I for example can't manage pregnancy and working.

Psst. Hey lady. That wasn't the question. Several other SAHMs have chimed in to say they are happy at home. We got it. Enjoy.

Do you have any thoughts on the expectation by society that it be moms who step back and become SAHPs? What do you think about dads out there who want to SAH?

There are zero expectations except in your head for women to step back and be SAHM's. This is not the 20-50's and it a woman's choice. I have no issue with a Dad wanting to be a SAHP. My husband would have loved to but financially we couldn't make it work. He'd be great at it.

Oh, well, if your DH would have liked to do it, then there must be no problem in the rest of society at all! Silly me!


Lady, get your head out of your butt.

What, don't like to hear that some of us are in good, supportive marriages and you are not?

Clearly you are struggling with things, what with your head up your rear end and all. I suppose with your head stuck in the confines of your rectum, you would be expected to be limited in your thinking. And it makes you strangely defensive and apt to jump to illogical conclusions about people you have never met.

I have a lovely, supportive husband. I shouldn't even need to mention that, because it has absolutely no bearing on the discussion at hand. Despite that and the fact that I have a good life for which I am very thankful, I can have awareness of how things operate in society. I can acknowledge that women still get the short end of the stick, and that my individual good fortune does not negate this fact in any way. I can recognize that the way women are treated in our society has negative impacts on their husbands and children. It can even impact women who choose never to have children.

I'm sorry this just flies right over your head.

You don't have a lovely supportive husband if you are posting this and something is clearly off in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, what is the real issue. You don't want to hear that some women are happier staying home and appreciate having the option. You don't want to hear it is best for some families. I'm sorry you have a difficult marriage situation but its up to you to fix it or get out of it.

DP. Not OP, but I don't get that from OP at all. Are you sure you aren't just projecting? I am honestly confused by your response. It seems kind of bizarre. I have done both SAHM and WOHM (and student mom, and WAHM), so maybe I am just not as defensive, but I really don't.get your response here.

Read the subject and many of the other comments. They are very negative to men and women and it gets old.

No, you are projecting your own bs. Lots of thoughtful pps on here. This is a societal problem in the US. Just because some women are happy being SAHMs doesn’t change the fact that there are societal problems and expectations that unfairly and preferentially impact women. And the ripple effect is that they affect everyone whether you want to be a parent or not. The bulk of the negative effects are on women but these inequities also affect men who might want to be primary caregivers or suffer under the stress of being the sole breadwinner.

It is sad that we cannot try to talk about these problems without some SAHMs taking it personally (You needn’t)or some people even trying to deny them outright.

OP again all of this. It's just sad that people would rather put energy into mommy wars than discussing things, that might initiate change and benefit all of our lives, and the lives of our families.

You’re an idiot

DP. You really aren't very good at making your case. You seem invested in perpetuating mommy wars, but whatever. That's sad but people just pity you.

You’re still an idiot OP. Btw no one believes you just because you post multiple times claiming you’re a “DP” or “NP.” Your weird writing style gives it all away.

+100. This whole thread feels like a veiled attempt to bash women, sahm’s in particular. OP can post all she wants pretending to be different people agreeing with her, but her motives seem completely disingenuous.

Other people who are posting who are not OP. How this question is a "veiled attempt" to bash women or SAHMs makes absolutely no sense. There have been a few troll PPs who have tried to shift into the mommy wars. You sound like one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women want to SAH. I for example can't manage pregnancy and working.

Psst. Hey lady. That wasn't the question. Several other SAHMs have chimed in to say they are happy at home. We got it. Enjoy.

Do you have any thoughts on the expectation by society that it be moms who step back and become SAHPs? What do you think about dads out there who want to SAH?

There are zero expectations except in your head for women to step back and be SAHM's. This is not the 20-50's and it a woman's choice. I have no issue with a Dad wanting to be a SAHP. My husband would have loved to but financially we couldn't make it work. He'd be great at it.

Oh, well, if your DH would have liked to do it, then there must be no problem in the rest of society at all! Silly me!


Lady, get your head out of your butt.

What, don't like to hear that some of us are in good, supportive marriages and you are not?

Clearly you are struggling with things, what with your head up your rear end and all. I suppose with your head stuck in the confines of your rectum, you would be expected to be limited in your thinking. And it makes you strangely defensive and apt to jump to illogical conclusions about people you have never met.

I have a lovely, supportive husband. I shouldn't even need to mention that, because it has absolutely no bearing on the discussion at hand. Despite that and the fact that I have a good life for which I am very thankful, I can have awareness of how things operate in society. I can acknowledge that women still get the short end of the stick, and that my individual good fortune does not negate this fact in any way. I can recognize that the way women are treated in our society has negative impacts on their husbands and children. It can even impact women who choose never to have children.

I'm sorry this just flies right over your head.

You don't have a lovely supportive husband if you are posting this and something is clearly off in your marriage.

If you have a good marriage, you no longer see sexism in society?

[Anonymous]

Poor men don't assume this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is the real issue. You don't want to hear that some women are happier staying home and appreciate having the option. You don't want to hear it is best for some families. I'm sorry you have a difficult marriage situation but its up to you to fix it or get out of it.

DP. Not OP, but I don't get that from OP at all. Are you sure you aren't just projecting? I am honestly confused by your response. It seems kind of bizarre. I have done both SAHM and WOHM (and student mom, and WAHM), so maybe I am just not as defensive, but I really don't.get your response here.

Read the subject and many of the other comments. They are very negative to men and women and it gets old.

No, you are projecting your own bs. Lots of thoughtful pps on here. This is a societal problem in the US. Just because some women are happy being SAHMs doesn’t change the fact that there are societal problems and expectations that unfairly and preferentially impact women. And the ripple effect is that they affect everyone whether you want to be a parent or not. The bulk of the negative effects are on women but these inequities also affect men who might want to be primary caregivers or suffer under the stress of being the sole breadwinner.

It is sad that we cannot try to talk about these problems without some SAHMs taking it personally (You needn’t)or some people even trying to deny them outright.

OP again all of this. It's just sad that people would rather put energy into mommy wars than discussing things, that might initiate change and benefit all of our lives, and the lives of our families.

You’re an idiot

DP. You really aren't very good at making your case. You seem invested in perpetuating mommy wars, but whatever. That's sad but people just pity you.

You’re still an idiot OP. Btw no one believes you just because you post multiple times claiming you’re a “DP” or “NP.” Your weird writing style gives it all away.

+100. This whole thread feels like a veiled attempt to bash women, sahm’s in particular. OP can post all she wants pretending to be different people agreeing with her, but her motives seem completely disingenuous.

Other people who are posting who are not OP. How this question is a "veiled attempt" to bash women or SAHMs makes absolutely no sense. There have been a few troll PPs who have tried to shift into the mommy wars. You sound like one of them.

+1

Not only are PPs pathetic in their attempt to incite mommy wars, they easily could ask Jeff to verify that OP isn't sock puppeting. The fact they can't even manage to do that basic task means they need to just be pushed to the side and not taken seriously. They just want to create a mommy war. Trolls.

[Anonymous]

Part of the reason is tradition and a second related reason is that women get pregnant and are the ones who breastfeed.[u] Pregnant women sometimes go on bedrest, sometimes take leave to deliver birth, may find it easier to be at home while breastfeeding, etc. Of course none of this precludes the dad staying home and a couple should discuss these things and arrive at a mutual agreement.

[Anonymous]

Wait! I am so confused. According to DCUM wisdom -

- Men don't want a SAHM and do not want women to ride the gravy train.
- WOHMs do a whole lot of more work than SAHMs
- SAHMs do not contribute to the household


If the above statements are true then we gravy-train-riding, non-contributing, lazy-bones-work-shirker SAHMs should be even more grateful to our husbands who insist that we stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're split basically 50/50 (Him: Fed 190k, me (woman) private sector: 200k) so this was basically never a question. Homeboy likes his vacations and fancy shoes, which is do-able on a dual-income and impossible on his alone. Luckily, he chose someone raised by a SAHM who was brought up to always work!

My husband never thought this way.

We made similar salaries when we met in our mid 20s. Soon after, he went independent and his salary tripled. I stayed with the Feds, but always have loved my job. I had great flexibility and eventually full-time WAH when my firstborn turned 1.

He makes anywhere from $350-500k/depending on project. I make $190k.

It’s been great. And my job allowed for the stable health benefits.

We created our wealth, real estate portfolio together. 22 years into marriage, very proud of what we ha e created and that my boys see a mom working in a STEM field and a dad that is involved in family life- helps cook, clean, etc. actually, he’s better at household chores .