Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're split basically 50/50 (Him: Fed 190k, me (woman) private sector: 200k) so this was basically never a question. Homeboy likes his vacations and fancy shoes, which is do-able on a dual-income and impossible on his alone. Luckily, he chose someone raised by a SAHM who was brought up to always work!

My husband never thought this way.

We made similar salaries when we met in our mid 20s. Soon after, he went independent and his salary tripled. I stayed with the Feds, but always have loved my job. I had great flexibility and eventually full-time WAH when my firstborn turned 1.

He makes anywhere from $350-500k/depending on project. I make $190k.

It’s been great. And my job allowed for the stable health benefits.

We created our wealth, real estate portfolio together. 22 years into marriage, very proud of what we ha e created and that my boys see a mom working in a STEM field and a dad that is involved in family life- helps cook, clean, etc. actually, he’s better at household chores .

Everything other than the first line has nothing to do with the discussion at hand.

Typical DCUM adding unnecessary personal details to brag. Why?

[Anonymous]

^ it shows the type of relationship kids SHOULD see. Not the dysfunctional mom at home and dad not doing anything at home that some Neanderthal men want to perpetuate for ego sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ it shows the type of relationship kids SHOULD see. Not the dysfunctional mom at home and dad not doing anything at home that some Neanderthal men want to perpetuate for ego sake.

Oh please. You don't criticise my division of labor and I'll shut up about yours.

I happen to like being a sahm. So sue me.

[Anonymous]

Reading threads like this is always so eye opening to me. I never think my husband is so unusual but reading threads like this tells me is. For a man, he’s very nurturing and is aware of what the kids need and when they need it: food, new clothing, comfort, doctors appointments, etc.

From the time they were ~ 12 months or so and I stopped nursing, he did all MOTN wake ups. He makes dinner most nights.

And he has a really good job and treats me like a queen. It perplexes me how I ended up with a man like this. I used to assume most men were the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading threads like this is always so eye opening to me. I never think my husband is so unusual but reading threads like this tells me is. For a man, he’s very nurturing and is aware of what the kids need and when they need it: food, new clothing, comfort, doctors appointments, etc.

From the time they were ~ 12 months or so and I stopped nursing, he did all MOTN wake ups. He makes dinner most nights.

And he has a really good job and treats me like a queen. It perplexes me how I ended up with a man like this. I used to assume most men were the same.

I believe you when you say you have a great husband. I have a hard time believing that you thought all men were like him. Do you live out in the middle of the woods somewhere? South Pole!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ it shows the type of relationship kids SHOULD see. Not the dysfunctional mom at home and dad not doing anything at home that some Neanderthal men want to perpetuate for ego sake.

Oh please. You don't criticise my division of labor and I'll shut up about yours.

I happen to like being a sahm. So sue me.

NP. There is nothing on here that I read as a referendum on SAHM. Why make it like that? It’s all about what you want. You sound really defensive. This is not the point of discussion here.

[Anonymous]

Among my group of friends there are three SAHMs and the rest of us work outside the home. Of those with jobs outside the home, I don’t think our spouses had any expectation we’d stay home. Of the SAHMs one is extremely wealthy and was tired of the juggle and was just doing okay at work, one was excelling at work but didn’t like her work, and one followed her husband for a job and would like to return to work and is doing some consulting here and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

I think you are on to something, and it starts very early.

Yep. That’s why you should marry a man whose mom worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

Bingo. As a woman you have to actively push back against this norm. It's hard. I did not succeed in doing it. I hope my daughters will.

Well, they probably won’t since daughters of SAHMs are more likely to be SAHMs themselves. Maybe instead of “hoping” they can do it, you will set them up for success. Tell them you made the wrong choice. Give them the basis they need to find a career they love. And then be their childcare so that they can do that career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

I think you are on to something, and it starts very early.

Yep. That’s why you should marry a man whose mom worked.

Absolutely. The longer I’m married the more I resent my MIL

[Anonymous]

My DH is my soulmate. I would have spent my life with him without the benefit of marriage. We married because we both wanted a family with each other.
My DH is the most involved father and husband. He is an amazing cook and he covers most of the household chores. Currently he is working from home and so he does all the grocery, cooking and dishes and puts out the garbage. I do laundry, take care of my garden and teach my kids.

He is not unique. I come from a family of involved fathers who respect the work a mother does. In my own home country I would have had the benefit of my my ILs or parents living with us so that childcare would not have been an issue. In this country, I decided to stay home with my kids. With the pandemic, it has become clear how tenuous the childcare situation was for the WOHMs in this country. I left my job because I could. We both could live on one salary. How many people can do that?