Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm. Mine never did. He's proud of my career. And, we don't need my salary (though it's a great one!).

I am lucky I have always had great flexibility/WAH after kids.

I know. It’s 2020. All of my female cousins, sister and mother have thriving careers: STEM, law, medicine, finance, etc.

What world do you people live in? Education and careers are big in my family.

I’m 50 and live in a neighborhood of $1.5-3 million homes and almost all of the women have prestigious careers. They don’t need the $, husbands make enough.

I love my job. I’m proud to earn my own retirement.

And nobody can ever walk all over you because you have the means to leave any situation. It’s power.

Did you notice though that even you assume that if one partner doesn’t work it would be the woman. You said the women don’t need to work, they do it because they want to.

[Anonymous]

I think you may be dating the wrong people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

+1

I was SAH for about six months after my daughter was born and have been WFH with some part-time childcare since then. I view my time with my child as an opportunity to spend time with my child, not a vacation. I have always invested a lot of energy into making sure we are doing things that are stimulating for her, reading to her, paying attention to what she eats, to her schedule, to making sure she is getting enough sleep, to teaching her about the world and also just having lots of quality time with her playing and cuddling and connecting.

My husband can do this for one hour, max. Even that is pushing it -- he's usually on his phone in 15 minutes. When I am working on weekends and he is with our child, she will always wind up coming to find me at reliable times because she is getting hungry or bored and he isn't paying close enough attention to her or to the time. I frequently have to stop my work to pop my head in and say "Has she eaten lunch?" He would also let her watch hours of television uninterrupted if he didn't know I'd be pissed about this. I am certain that when I have to be out of the house for work events and he is home with her, that he plops her in front of the television for hours. Nevermind that if one of our sitters had ever done this with her, he'd be livid ("what are we paying her for?").

Also when he stays home with her so I can do a work thing, I always come home to a messy house and not only is there no dinner in the works, he has barely thought about it. When I am home with our daughter, I'm always keeping track of how messy the house is, cleaning as I'm going, doing a deep clean once a week (all while also getting work done and supervising our sitter). I plan meals several days in advance so we are never at a total loss for what to do for dinner (even if it's just "okay, casserole monday, leftovers tuesday, then take-out wednesday so we can have a break").

The pandemic has made him a little better, but the pull of his phone, zoning out, and not caring is still very strong. He still approaches our lives much as he did when we were in our late 20s with no kid and two jobs out of the house. It doesn't occur to him that we can't just postpone Saturday breakfast until he feels like it -- our kid will lose her mind if she doesn't get breakfast until 11:30. We can't just ignore her schedule -- if she doesn't take naps eat timely meals and go to bed at a reasonable time, she becomes grumpy and challenging. But then when he does this stuff he blames her (she doesn't listen to me like she listens to you) instead of looking for ways to parent better so that she stays regulated. I don't even consider myself a strict or rule-following mom in this respect -- I just pay attention to my kid and try to anticipate her basic needs and then respond to her behavior with solutions instead of just assuming she's an asshole.

I hope that as our daughter gets older and can talk to him more (and regulate some of her needs on her own) that he will grow into his role more. I have to be careful not to criticize or suggest too much because he gets defensive. But there's no question to me that I am an active, attentive parent and he is not. He could not cut it as a SAHD, and if he did it, I think we'd be dealing with a ton of behavioral issues right now. I think his parents set terrible examples for him and that he honestly has no idea how to parent young children and most of what he is able to do well now is because I have set a good example. It's alarming. No one taught me how to do this either, but I a have been motivated to learn. I don't get why he is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

These are the worst types - men who want their wives to make a lot of money but also expect them to handle everything at home and prioritize the mans career over the woman’s.

My life right now. It's doing serious harm to my marriage. And my husband makes 3x what I make.

[Anonymous]

For one because a lot of men grew up with SAHM who did everything so that's their expectation for a happy home. Some didn't of course. But some also grew up with working moms where it made it more stressful and so they want the opposite experience in their home.
My dh is a rare breed where his mom worked part time and he realized how unfulfilled she was with that. She was a good mom but she could have done so much more but couldn't really go against the society grain. I make more than dh and we both work but it's a true partnership. He does 50% regularly and much more many times. He took long paternity leaves with each of our kids and didn't call me for help those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm. Mine never did. He's proud of my career. And, we don't need my salary (though it's a great one!).

I am lucky I have always had great flexibility/WAH after kids.

I know. It’s 2020. All of my female cousins, sister and mother have thriving careers: STEM, law, medicine, finance, etc.

What world do you people live in? Education and careers are big in my family.

I’m 50 and live in a neighborhood of $1.5-3 million homes and almost all of the women have prestigious careers. They don’t need the $, husbands make enough.

I love my job. I’m proud to earn my own retirement.

And nobody can ever walk all over you because you have the means to leave any situation. It’s power.

Did you notice though that even you assume that if one partner doesn’t work it would be the woman. You said the women don’t need to work, they do it because they want to.

That’s because PP is a a nasty, privileged, clueless old hag. She most probably grew up in the “good old days” with toxic ideas about wealth, privilege, and gender equality, all while looking down on the less fortunate who weren’t able to get the same education or become as rich as her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm. Mine never did. He's proud of my career. And, we don't need my salary (though it's a great one!).

I am lucky I have always had great flexibility/WAH after kids.

I know. It’s 2020. All of my female cousins, sister and mother have thriving careers: STEM, law, medicine, finance, etc.

What world do you people live in? Education and careers are big in my family.

I’m 50 and live in a neighborhood of $1.5-3 million homes and almost all of the women have prestigious careers. They don’t need the $, husbands make enough.

I love my job. I’m proud to earn my own retirement.

And nobody can ever walk all over you because you have the means to leave any situation. It’s power.

Did you notice though that even you assume that if one partner doesn’t work it would be the woman. You said the women don’t need to work, they do it because they want to.

That’s because PP is a a nasty, privileged, clueless old hag. She most probably grew up in the “good old days” with toxic ideas about wealth, privilege, and gender equality, all while looking down on the less fortunate who weren’t able to get the same education or become as rich as her.

Wow. Judgmental/ angry much?

[Anonymous]

Literally have never heard a woman becoming full time SAHM in the DC area after kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally have never heard a woman becoming full time SAHM in the DC area after kids.

Congrats?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally have never heard a woman becoming full time SAHM in the DC area after kids.

Really, I know several. A few of them have some kind of income, like they sub at their kids school sometimes or have a hobby they make money from sometimes. But not making real money, maybe just enough to put in a savings account for a rainy day or to be able to go on nicer vacations.

I agree it's not the norm because the cost of living is high here, but I know people in many different living situations. Many two-income families with jobs outside the home (well, normally) but also many other set ups including where one partner works from home with their own business or where one spouse takes on periodic contract work but can stay home with kids during the summer, etc. I don't get this thing where people only know two-income families. I think it must be people who only socialize with people they work with. If you know your neighbors or get to know other families at school, you'll find a lot more variety than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn’t expect me to quit my highly paid job. He also doesn’t expect me to manage the kids’ calendars, dr and dentist appointments, play dates, outgrown shoes and clothes, house maintenance, etc.

He just also doesn’t expect him to. He floats through life oblivious to everyone managing things for him.

I guess I’d trade him for SAHM-demanding husband at this point.

Why don't you make this WORK visible to him.

Why do you LET him float through life.

You are enabling his oblivion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally have never heard a woman becoming full time SAHM in the DC area after kids.

Really, I know several. A few of them have some kind of income, like they sub at their kids school sometimes or have a hobby they make money from sometimes. But not making real money, maybe just enough to put in a savings account for a rainy day or to be able to go on nicer vacations.

I agree it's not the norm because the cost of living is high here, but I know people in many different living situations. Many two-income families with jobs outside the home (well, normally) but also many other set ups including where one partner works from home with their own business or where one spouse takes on periodic contract work but can stay home with kids during the summer, etc. I don't get this thing where people only know two-income families. I think it must be people who only socialize with people they work with. If you know your neighbors or get to know other families at school, you'll find a lot more variety than that.

I know several especially among military and foreign service wives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm. Mine never did. He's proud of my career. And, we don't need my salary (though it's a great one!).

I am lucky I have always had great flexibility/WAH after kids.

I know. It’s 2020. All of my female cousins, sister and mother have thriving careers: STEM, law, medicine, finance, etc.

What world do you people live in? Education and careers are big in my family.

I’m 50 and live in a neighborhood of $1.5-3 million homes and almost all of the women have prestigious careers. They don’t need the $, husbands make enough.

I love my job. I’m proud to earn my own retirement.

And nobody can ever walk all over you because you have the means to leave any situation. It’s power.

Did you notice though that even you assume that if one partner doesn’t work it would be the woman. You said the women don’t need to work, they do it because they want to.

That’s because PP is a a nasty, privileged, clueless old hag. She most probably grew up in the “good old days” with toxic ideas about wealth, privilege, and gender equality, all while looking down on the less fortunate who weren’t able to get the same education or become as rich as her.

Wow. Judgmental/ angry much?

Absolutely. I can’t stand entitled POS like you who are so utterly devoid of compassion and humility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

As long as SO many women model this "lifestyle" for future generations, it will be hard to change.

There are so many wealthy women on this forum who won't OWN this part of the legacy they are leaving.

It is one thing before your kids start school. It is quite another when your kids are in middle school and high school.
Why is it okay that someone pays for your food and housing, like they do for their children?

The height of irony are the stay at home moms who complain that their husbands don't do enough around the house. How much do you do around his office?

This is coming from a woman, who works outside the home and is a good mom also.

[Anonymous]

If this is important to you, or your daughters, make sure to discuss it before you get married.