Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

[Anonymous]

My DH doesn’t expect me to quit my highly paid job. He also doesn’t expect me to manage the kids’ calendars, dr and dentist appointments, play dates, outgrown shoes and clothes, house maintenance, etc.

He just also doesn’t expect him to. He floats through life oblivious to everyone managing things for him.

I guess I’d trade him for SAHM-demanding husband at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn’t expect me to quit my highly paid job. He also doesn’t expect me to manage the kids’ calendars, dr and dentist appointments, play dates, outgrown shoes and clothes, house maintenance, etc.

He just also doesn’t expect him to. He floats through life oblivious to everyone managing things for him.

I guess I’d trade him for SAHM-demanding husband at this point.

[Anonymous]

I didn't think that was normal at all in the DC area or most other major metro areas. The norm is that both parents continue to work and pay for daycare. I don't know a single couple where the woman became a SAHM after having a child.

[Anonymous]

Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

[Anonymous]

Just on my one little street alone, we have 4 families with a SAHM including me! Maybe we are an anomaly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn’t expect me to quit my highly paid job. He also doesn’t expect me to manage the kids’ calendars, dr and dentist appointments, play dates, outgrown shoes and clothes, house maintenance, etc.

He just also doesn’t expect him to. He floats through life oblivious to everyone managing things for him.

I guess I’d trade him for SAHM-demanding husband at this point.

Oh, so you're my husband's second family.

[Anonymous]

Typically this sort of thing is discussed *before children cone into the family. Ideally, both people agree on how they want their children cared for and then proceed from there.

[Anonymous]

It's because they can't wrap their heads around doing what parents in a two-career family need to do to manage a household, which is basically constant toil and a lot of executive functioning. They can't fathom it so they assume SAHM is the only answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just on my one little street alone, we have 4 families with a SAHM including me! Maybe we are an anomaly?

Nope! There are quite a few sahms in my neighborhood, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typically this sort of thing is discussed *before children cone into the family. Ideally, both people agree on how they want their children cared for and then proceed from there.

I agree. It is also typically planned for financially ahead of time. If you know you’re going to lose one income and one retirement, you must plan ahead based on that and assess how stable the remaining income is and that person’s long term career path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine expected me to stay home and handle all of the kid and house stuff.....while still making 6 figures. Not sure how that works. But when I was SAHM, he resented that I didn’t make money. When I worked, he resented that it infringed on his career.

I think males in our society are raised to be entitled, while females are raised to sacrifice for others. They’re deep seated cultural beliefs that most people don’t even realize they have.

I see it even among SAH parents - SAHMs do way more for their kids, while the SAHDs I see are focused on themselves and ignore their kids, play on their phone, etc.

I think you are on to something, and it starts very early.

[Anonymous]

My parents’ generation and my East Asian relatives and friends, yes. The other people I know... no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typically this sort of thing is discussed *before children cone into the family. Ideally, both people agree on how they want their children cared for and then proceed from there.

I don't think it is though, at least not with giving equal weight to all options, even when discussed pre child it's more often than not with the assumption she'll stay home. Maybe you know more progressive people than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typically this sort of thing is discussed *before children cone into the family. Ideally, both people agree on how they want their children cared for and then proceed from there.

I agree. It is also typically planned for financially ahead of time. If you know you’re going to lose one income and one retirement, you must plan ahead based on that and assess how stable the remaining income is and that person’s long term career path.

Yeah make sure you’re in a house you can afford on one salary, for one thing. A lot of people make that mistake.