“Can you serve me some?” How would you reply?

[Anonymous]

In my family we don't usually pass the dishes around for everyone to help themselves. More often, someone starts serving others and themselves last. It would be rude to just help yourself without serving others first. FIL may not feel comfortable serving others and would feel rude helping himself first. So he thinks it's better to ask?

[Anonymous]

When someone older makes a rude request like that, I pretend I misheard and respond accordingly. So if the rolls are at my end of the table and he asks for them, I say ‘I know, don’t they look delicious?’ and then I pass them to the person next to me. Or if he leans into the buffet line, I say, ‘yup, those are the potatoes, looks like they are mashed, but I think Jenny is behind me and then you’re next.’

[Anonymous]

This should not be happening right now because we are in a pandemic. People should not be having buffet meals or meals of any time with people outside their household. So just stop eating with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone older makes a rude request like that, I pretend I misheard and respond accordingly. So if the rolls are at my end of the table and he asks for them, I say ‘I know, don’t they look delicious?’ and then I pass them to the person next to me. Or if he leans into the buffet line, I say, ‘yup, those are the potatoes, looks like they are mashed, but I think Jenny is behind me and then you’re next.’

What is your problem? If someone wants rolls, the appropriate thing to do is ask whoever is closest to them to pass them to them? Exactly what do you think is rude about someone asking you to pass the rolls?

[Anonymous]

"Oh DH I am helping the kids, can you help your dad, thanks".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always fixed plates for the older relatives. I would ask at the start if he would like me to fix him up a plate while he gets seated.

I would agree for older relatives but her FIL is mid 60's and capable. If everyone else is serving themselves he should know how it all works. It's funny that he goes to OP and not his son. He must think women fix the plates up, I suppose it's generational.

You could always say "In a second I'm busy at the moment" and then ignore. As for asking for rolls at the table that's fairly normal, if no one is using them I would pass them over however if they are going down the table you could always just say "the rolls are coming".

I think older people just get impatient and can't wait for anything and need everything now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe posters haven’t suggested he be tested for ADHD.

OP here. Interesting. His executive functioning is high (was an executive, still meticulous about home maintenance and bills, etc.)

Could it be anxiety? My non professional opinion is that he has untreated anxiety, but it didn’t occur to me that this was related.

Omg it is not this, he is just acting like an older male, just find ways to deflect.

[Anonymous]

60 is old. I would have no problem helping him. Why are you always at the front of the buffet line? Perhaps sitting back and not running to the front of a buffet line can end this problem. You say, there's no way food will run out. Sit back, relax, let him ask other people to help and grab you and your kids plates after someone has helped him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe posters haven’t suggested he be tested for ADHD.

OP here. Interesting. His executive functioning is high (was an executive, still meticulous about home maintenance and bills, etc.)

Could it be anxiety? My non professional opinion is that he has untreated anxiety, but it didn’t occur to me that this was related.

Executive functioning has nothing to do with being an executive or home maintenance and bill paying.

It's the ability to conceive of a task and then carry it out, involving the individual steps needed to see it through. He may in fact have problems if he can't manage to organize himself to get a plate, wait on line, manager hunger, select from an array of foods, select small portions, balance his plate, select a seat, and manage his plate while socializing. This is a lot of executive functioning.

When people begin to slip cognitively, at first it looks a lot like manipulation and game playing. We went through this with my mother and why she constantly needed to be accompanied to the doctor, to the bathroom, etc. Try to be kind here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, come ON. Punt it to your husband, each and every time.

"Jim, your dad wants a plate."

If he persists, that's the opening for "I'm off duty at the moment" big smile.

^Wow, you should petty AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone older makes a rude request like that, I pretend I misheard and respond accordingly. So if the rolls are at my end of the table and he asks for them, I say ‘I know, don’t they look delicious?’ and then I pass them to the person next to me. Or if he leans into the buffet line, I say, ‘yup, those are the potatoes, looks like they are mashed, but I think Jenny is behind me and then you’re next.’

What is your problem? If someone wants rolls, the appropriate thing to do is ask whoever is closest to them to pass them to them? Exactly what do you think is rude about someone asking you to pass the rolls?

NP. If it's in the middle of the meal and they've already been passed around? Sure, of course. But at the beginning of the meal, they are passed in order and you can't just demand that they go to you first. Have you ever been taught anything about table manners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, come ON. Punt it to your husband, each and every time.

"Jim, your dad wants a plate."

If he persists, that's the opening for "I'm off duty at the moment" big smile.

^Wow, you should petty AF.

After I have planned, shopped for and prepared a nice Thanksgiving meal and it is set out buffet style, able-bodied adults who have been watching the parade and enjoying cocktails and appetizers do not need to be served by me. Petty is a capable adult demanding yet more to be done for him by his hostess.

[Anonymous]

^BK lady, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^BK lady, is that you?

No way, BK Lady would never serve cocktails and appetizers AND a big meal...indoors. It's a pear and the back porch for you, Bucko.

[Anonymous]

I remember my in laws visiting us when our baby was 3 days old and exome to serve them. Got yelled at by mil for bringing them tap water with no ice. Good times!