Children of parents in sexless marriage - how did it affect your relationships and marriage?

[Anonymous]

Divorce is the price children pay for their parents' chance at happiness. But it's only a chance. What if nobody wants to have sex with you? What if your second marriage is also sexless?

[Anonymous]

Completely opposite. I think my parents were/are sexless. I’m eternally grateful they stayed married. They help each other through so much and do love each other. So grateful my kids have two sets of married grandparents and married parents to set an example of marriage. Now that I’m in my late 30s, my friends with divorced parents go through so much. Every health crisis needs the kids to come help because their divorced parents didn’t remarry or the new step mom won’t help. Split holidays are hell on them. One friend has 4 thanksgivings and 4 christmases because her husbands parents are divorced too. Also, divorced parents have a lot less assets to help their kids through college/ weddings and then later on can’t afford retirement. A few had parents completely impoverished by divorce.

Worrying about sex is insane! I will say that Dh and I are very affectionate and make sure our kids see us laugh, kiss, hold hands and go away on couples trips without them.

[Anonymous]

People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

I’m quite sure you are in the minority! You simply married wrong. Don’t blame your happily married parents for your failings.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

My parents had a wonderful marriage - but they certainly modeled surviving good times and hard times (my mom had 20 years of MS before she died this year). My childhood did not prepare me to recognize my DH’s mental health issues - we both had years of denial. It reached the point where it was
Frightening and I couldn’t deny it anymore. I don’t know what is going on with him but he is highly, highly dependent on me to alleviate his anxiety (general anxiety, self esteem problems and social anxiety). I used to think it impacted only me, but I think it has impacted my kids too (especially the one with anxiety). I hope in the end they will see my DH and I as sticking together through good times and bad. On the other hand, he is highly successful professionally and has a very healthy sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.

Not to derail the thread, but...how are you coping with this? You seem ok with it, or perhaps I misread that. I am in your boat too and a life of celibacy seems so lonely and devoid of life's greatest pleasure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.

Not to derail the thread, but...how are you coping with this? You seem ok with it, or perhaps I misread that. I am in your boat too and a life of celibacy seems so lonely and devoid of life's greatest pleasure

PP: I have reconciled and accepted it - the first few years were hard and demoralizing. I knew my husband had “issues” when we married, although I didn’t think it would completely end within the first year, so we didn’t go from a very active sex life to nothing, which I think would have been harder to deal with.

It’s been 14 yrs since we last had sex and I’ve accepted that I will probably never have intercourses again, ever. But, overall, i think our marriage has many more positives than this one, big negative. I also understand that there will be people who don’t understand how/why I accept this, just as I don’t understand why people will leave a marriage when the only bad thing is the lack of sex – neither reaction is right or wrong, we each have to choose what’s best for each of us and our own circumstances.

Regarding celibacy and loneliness, I am a major introvert and someone who does not need a lot of human interaction and affection - that’s not a major “driver” in my life, so that part isn’t difficult for me. My husband and I still connect intellectually and he still makes me laugh and that’s more important to me, whereas you may need more emotional connection (not a slam, just a difference).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea if my parents had sex, and I am glad! I do know they had affection for each other. Hugs, grabbing hand now and then, bringing each other things to be kind. I think that is far more important. Do you show affection to each other in non physical ways?

Ditto. They are still a cute couple and love each other’s company, travel, help, teamwork!

[Anonymous]

Were you adopted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is wrong. It’s never good for the children to live in a house where the parents have no love for each other. And yes, the kids know.

This is an over statement. We don't have that much power on our kids. I continue to grow and learn after I left home. So does everybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that if you summarily declare the marriage open then you have to be prepared for your spouse's wanting to end it and willing to walk yourself if spouse cannot accede to your demand. It is a very difficult position for both parties.

I think if you summarily declare the marriage SEXLESS then you have already blown up the marriage and should be grateful your spouse is willing to stay in this platonic relationship by finding sex elsewhere.

Literally no one cares what you think.

Are you nuts? There are a million sexless wives in DC who care deeply if their husbands were cheating on them!
I have the moral high ground here. Informing a sexless wife of the open marriage is the only honest way to avoid divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that if you summarily declare the marriage open then you have to be prepared for your spouse's wanting to end it and willing to walk yourself if spouse cannot accede to your demand. It is a very difficult position for both parties.

I think if you summarily declare the marriage SEXLESS then you have already blown up the marriage and should be grateful your spouse is willing to stay in this platonic relationship by finding sex elsewhere.

Literally no one cares what you think.

Are you nuts? There are a million sexless wives in DC who care deeply if their husbands were cheating on them!
I have the moral high ground here. Informing a sexless wife of the open marriage is the only honest way to avoid divorce.

Informing your wife that your sexless marriage is open guarantees divorce. Discreetly meeting ones needs is the only way to keep the family intact

But you do you, oh wise one of the declaration

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

I’m quite sure you are in the minority! You simply married wrong. Don’t blame your happily married parents for your failings.

To be clear, I do not blame my oarents in the least. But I frequently see people saying “My parents divorced and I have trust issues and didn’t get married until my thirties.” I see that and I think “Wow—I wish I had had trust issues! So much better than being too trusting.” Several of my siblings have fantastic marriages. One of my sibs married an actual con artist. I just think we well all pretty trusting and it worked out for some of us and not others. I honestly hope my kids are more guarded.
Really, I don’t think anyone should blame their parents for their own relationship issues...we all make our own choices and its childish to say that it’s becaise your parents got divorced, or didn’t, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It didn't bother me at all or set a bad example at all. Seeing the hassle that my friends went through with their divorced parents and new partners and everything, I would not trade. Loving parents would have been nice, but divorce comes with a lot of other negatives.

If you want to divorce, own the choice for yourself. Don't tell your kids you are banging your new girlfriend for their benefit. They will find that disgusting and they will not agree with you.

Child of divorce here and this comment above is all you need to read because its absolutely accurate.

My parents stuck it out till my older sibling left for college, so I was 15 when they finally separated from their loveless but low conflict marriage. In hindsight, I am grateful they stuck it out long enough so I wasn't a shuttle kid on a custody schedule. It's not like if they divorced earlier, I would have been thrilled for them as a 10 year old that they found love. But it wouldn't have screwed me up for life either assuming they were mature about it.

You absolutely have a right to leave your sexless marriage, and it may make you a happier person and therefore a better parent. But you are doing it for you, not your kids, and that's ok. No different than the logic that if you decided to cheat so you could stay sane and married, you are doing it for you and not your kids, and that would also be ok.]

Just own the decision.

This is wrong. It’s never good for the children to live in a house where the parents have no love for each other. And yes, the kids know.

I love the way you tell the PP that their feeling about their own childhood is "wrong." I thought PP sounded pretty rational, non-judgemental, and understanding that parents are just trying to do the best they can. You can rationalize your own decisions all you want, but PP is proof that staying together for the kids isn't a bad idea.

We don’t have to pretend like every feeing is valid. That pp was flat-out wrong.