Children of parents in sexless marriage - how did it affect your relationships and marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex-starved DW here. After much thought and frustration I have concluded that kids want kids to be happy. Their stability and comfort are their priority as long as their parents are civil to each other. I see nothing wrong with letting kids know that your loyalty is to the family as a unit rather than pretending that everything revolves around romantic love. Their choices will be determined more by their personalities and the era in which they live than just your example. Many more people use drugs and have tattoos than did so 40 years ago because these choices are far more socially acceptable.

This. To be honest, my parents' crappy marriage and divorce prepared me for my own marriage in some really helpful ways. It made me hold no illusions about what it's like to be a child of divorce and an adult child of divorce, and even in the best situations it's pretty tough sometimes, so I'm all the more determined to take good care of my own marriage. I hold no illusions about second or third marriages either. If they had divorced earlier, that would have meant more years shuttling back and forth. There are down sides either way.

Kids want a stable and comfortable home where the adults behave well even when they disagree. I really, really with that my parents could have been civil to each other. Would it have saved their marriage? I don't know. But living in a mostly peaceful and respectful home, even with some very real problems in the marriage, would have been way better than their constant fighting. What did NOT help me is my mom constantly patting herself on the back that having an affair with her f*cked-up loser boyfriend was "setting a good example". Teenagers will NOT want to give up their single home and lie happily in their new beds in your new place, dozing off content in the knowledge that their father is getting laid in the room next door.

Great comment, so spot on I thought I wrote it. Same situation, my parents had a low conflict, loveless marriage, dad ran off with AP. And from my vantage point, it's hard to see if they are net happier now than if they stuck it out. It's one set of problems for another. I don't begrudge them, or dad, they are human and did the best they could to minimize disruption to kids but the situation still sucked at times and still does since they don't really get along well (so that limits visits, grandparent time, etc. etc.).

I totally sympathize with OP, my spouse is practically asexual and it's painful. In a perfect world, loving couples would grant the charity to allow some sexual openness so we don't have to choose between sexual love and the nuclear family. Perhaps that's why affairs or so common in the first place, people trying to balance stability with romantic love.

Good luck, OP. A lot of marriages struggle with what you describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex-starved DW here. After much thought and frustration I have concluded that kids want kids to be happy. Their stability and comfort are their priority as long as their parents are civil to each other. I see nothing wrong with letting kids know that your loyalty is to the family as a unit rather than pretending that everything revolves around romantic love. Their choices will be determined more by their personalities and the era in which they live than just your example. Many more people use drugs and have tattoos than did so 40 years ago because these choices are far more socially acceptable.

This. To be honest, my parents' crappy marriage and divorce prepared me for my own marriage in some really helpful ways. It made me hold no illusions about what it's like to be a child of divorce and an adult child of divorce, and even in the best situations it's pretty tough sometimes, so I'm all the more determined to take good care of my own marriage. I hold no illusions about second or third marriages either. If they had divorced earlier, that would have meant more years shuttling back and forth. There are down sides either way.

Kids want a stable and comfortable home where the adults behave well even when they disagree. I really, really with that my parents could have been civil to each other. Would it have saved their marriage? I don't know. But living in a mostly peaceful and respectful home, even with some very real problems in the marriage, would have been way better than their constant fighting. What did NOT help me is my mom constantly patting herself on the back that having an affair with her f*cked-up loser boyfriend was "setting a good example". Teenagers will NOT want to give up their single home and lie happily in their new beds in your new place, dozing off content in the knowledge that their father is getting laid in the room next door.

Great comment, so spot on I thought I wrote it. Same situation, my parents had a low conflict, loveless marriage, dad ran off with AP. And from my vantage point, it's hard to see if they are net happier now than if they stuck it out. It's one set of problems for another. I don't begrudge them, or dad, they are human and did the best they could to minimize disruption to kids but the situation still sucked at times and still does since they don't really get along well (so that limits visits, grandparent time, etc. etc.).

I totally sympathize with OP, my spouse is practically asexual and it's painful. In a perfect world, loving couples would grant the charity to allow some sexual openness so we don't have to choose between sexual love and the nuclear family. Perhaps that's why affairs or so common in the first place, people trying to balance stability with romantic love.

Good luck, OP. A lot of marriages struggle with what you describe.

You do not require a charity grant from your asexual spouse to have a normal sex life. Declare the marriage open. Rejecting asexual spouse does not get to vote on this, same way you did not get to vote on sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

My parents were already on the older side by the time I was in high school (they were 55+) so I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

There was physical abuse and infidelity on the part of my dad. That impacted me horribly. I only learned about the sexless part lunch later. My dad failed to understand how beating his wife adversely affected her desire to sleep with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex-starved DW here. After much thought and frustration I have concluded that kids want kids to be happy. Their stability and comfort are their priority as long as their parents are civil to each other. I see nothing wrong with letting kids know that your loyalty is to the family as a unit rather than pretending that everything revolves around romantic love. Their choices will be determined more by their personalities and the era in which they live than just your example. Many more people use drugs and have tattoos than did so 40 years ago because these choices are far more socially acceptable.

This. To be honest, my parents' crappy marriage and divorce prepared me for my own marriage in some really helpful ways. It made me hold no illusions about what it's like to be a child of divorce and an adult child of divorce, and even in the best situations it's pretty tough sometimes, so I'm all the more determined to take good care of my own marriage. I hold no illusions about second or third marriages either. If they had divorced earlier, that would have meant more years shuttling back and forth. There are down sides either way.

Kids want a stable and comfortable home where the adults behave well even when they disagree. I really, really with that my parents could have been civil to each other. Would it have saved their marriage? I don't know. But living in a mostly peaceful and respectful home, even with some very real problems in the marriage, would have been way better than their constant fighting. What did NOT help me is my mom constantly patting herself on the back that having an affair with her f*cked-up loser boyfriend was "setting a good example". Teenagers will NOT want to give up their single home and lie happily in their new beds in your new place, dozing off content in the knowledge that their father is getting laid in the room next door.

Great comment, so spot on I thought I wrote it. Same situation, my parents had a low conflict, loveless marriage, dad ran off with AP. And from my vantage point, it's hard to see if they are net happier now than if they stuck it out. It's one set of problems for another. I don't begrudge them, or dad, they are human and did the best they could to minimize disruption to kids but the situation still sucked at times and still does since they don't really get along well (so that limits visits, grandparent time, etc. etc.).

I totally sympathize with OP, my spouse is practically asexual and it's painful. In a perfect world, loving couples would grant the charity to allow some sexual openness so we don't have to choose between sexual love and the nuclear family. Perhaps that's why affairs or so common in the first place, people trying to balance stability with romantic love.

Good luck, OP. A lot of marriages struggle with what you describe.

You do not require a charity grant from your asexual spouse to have a normal sex life. Declare the marriage open. Rejecting asexual spouse does not get to vote on this, same way you did not get to vote on sexless marriage.

Please go away. Your broken record bleating about this on every single thread is beyond tiresome. I am a sex-starved spouse myself and I’m still sick of you.

[Anonymous]

Another sex starved spouse and I am also sick of that tired post about declaring the marriage open. It's quite literally the worst advice which is why no one takes it.

I am agnostic on cheating at this point but rubbing it in your spouses face is disgusting. Most spouses who have not desire to have sex aren't naive about where that may lead

[Anonymous]

I think that if you summarily declare the marriage open then you have to be prepared for your spouse's wanting to end it and willing to walk yourself if spouse cannot accede to your demand. It is a very difficult position for both parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex-starved DW here. After much thought and frustration I have concluded that kids want kids to be happy. Their stability and comfort are their priority as long as their parents are civil to each other. I see nothing wrong with letting kids know that your loyalty is to the family as a unit rather than pretending that everything revolves around romantic love. Their choices will be determined more by their personalities and the era in which they live than just your example. Many more people use drugs and have tattoos than did so 40 years ago because these choices are far more socially acceptable.

Lack of sex doesn’t mean lack of romantic love. DH and I have had some long dry spells due to medical issues. The romance is still there. Meanwhile, a friend has really frequent sex with her DH and they despise each other. There’s just a financial and social dynamic that makes divorce or affairs no an option for them. They hate f@ck each other 4x a week and then lead pretty separate lives otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if you summarily declare the marriage open then you have to be prepared for your spouse's wanting to end it and willing to walk yourself if spouse cannot accede to your demand. It is a very difficult position for both parties.

Right, which is why you don't make declarations in a marriage. You should absolutely have a conversation about meeting each other's sexual needs. If one spouse refuses, then do what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine stayed together. The older I get, them more thankful I am they did. They were true examples of sticking through hard times. It benefited me as a child, and as an adult. Seeing my father’s heartbreak after my mom passed really made me understand the depth of their love. Even if things weren’t 100% great, the core of their marriage and the family they created was (and is) incredibly strong because they never gave up on it.

+1

Same.

I witnessed a 52-year love story —-where in the tough years (my brother/middle child was such a hard kid-constantly in trouble) with both working, our insane sports schedules and life, they persevered. We saw arguments/disagreements. We also saw two people that loved each other for life. It’s a disservice to kids to paint a fake “happy”. I was told before my marriage there might be times we can’t stand each other, it’s normal. You can come out the other side stronger.

[Anonymous]

^And There was no PDA. When they did hug or kiss (rare in front of us) I remember us being grossed out by it as kids. I certainly did not want to know about their sex life. Good God - no! Who the bell wants to hear their parents having sex???

[Anonymous]

Children should have no clue about their parents‘ sex lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another sex starved spouse and I am also sick of that tired post about declaring the marriage open. It's quite literally the worst advice which is why no one takes it.

I am agnostic on cheating at this point but rubbing it in your spouses face is disgusting. Most spouses who have not desire to have sex aren't naive about where that may lead

I reject your hypocritical position to allow one unilateral declaration (sexless) yet admonish it's marriage-saving corollary (open the marriage).
Informing your asexual spouse is infinitely more honest than cheating. I never said to rub it in their face: just a simple 15 second statement will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if you summarily declare the marriage open then you have to be prepared for your spouse's wanting to end it and willing to walk yourself if spouse cannot accede to your demand. It is a very difficult position for both parties.

I think if you summarily declare the marriage SEXLESS then you have already blown up the marriage and should be grateful your spouse is willing to stay in this platonic relationship by finding sex elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that if you summarily declare the marriage open then you have to be prepared for your spouse's wanting to end it and willing to walk yourself if spouse cannot accede to your demand. It is a very difficult position for both parties.

I think if you summarily declare the marriage SEXLESS then you have already blown up the marriage and should be grateful your spouse is willing to stay in this platonic relationship by finding sex elsewhere.

Literally no one cares what you think.